The Blessings in Life

Today I cleaned up after breakfast and did something most mothers never do.

I stopped.

I looked around, I took a drew a deep breath of quiet air and said "Thank You Jesus." My living room was freshly vacuumed, new Spring tulips gently bowing in a glass vase on the table, no toys, shoes, dirty socks or jump ropes laying about. This may seem so insignificant a thing to post about, but for me, it is exuberant. My home is almost never clean; living with three little girls, there is almost always a barbie head or barbie book laying out.

And in all honesty... Its only one room. The other rooms have dirty clothes or coloring sheets of half-colored princes and queens peeking out from under the couch or bed. But I am blessed by this one room with blue walls and soft couch that relaxes me when it's clean.

Today I'm thankful for the quiet- children off to school and tv turned off. Birds tweeting and gathering for the nests they are making in my trees and bushes. Fresh coffee and farm milk. Soft carpet.

This makes a morning.

Priorities, Priorities.

Every Day, I want to write. Then, every day, I don't write. I make to-do lists, get a clean shirt, wash little hands, unload the dishwasher, load it again, fold that laundry and find that missing shoe under the bed. So today, the rainy, gloomy, get-back-in-bed day is going to turn into a get-something-accomplished day. :) This morning, my 4 year old reminded me that we have a movie called "How To Train Your Dragon", and even though she has watched it several times already and is scared to watch it alone, she wants to watch it again.

Today.

With You.

And Popcorn.

So you can't get anything accomplished.

So I did. Sometimes, even though you have a mile high list of things to do, you have to stop, put your arms around a little bitty kid and watch a movie with them, and of course, eat their popcorn. It was nice because honestly.. I really do not spend enough time with my children. They go to public school, come home, and then I am usually busy making dinner or cleaning to really engage with them. I have tried to go on mini dates with my daughters, sitting with them at dinner and talking to them about little things that we never seem to have the momentum to talk about. Depending on who you are with depends on where you go. Anne always wants to go to Rosies. Madeline will want to go to McDonalds. Lily will want to go to Chuck-E-Cheese.

I am going to try to really engage with my children, on a nice level, not a mean, scowling, clean your room or I will spank you level. Because lately that is how I've been operating. Just, please for my sanity sake- clean your room. Or clean something, because if I step on one more lego, mama is going to lose her ever lovin' mind and nobody wants to see that again.

One morning, when things got quiet, I made myself a grilled-cheese sandwich with tomato, and I walked over to my window, put my feet on the air vent to warm them, and ate my sandwich while I watched the birds. I know I sound like an 84- year old, but it made me think about the small comforts in my day. I want to write more, and every time I write, I will add the small comfort I found for myself. Other Mothers who read this know about those Small Comforts, the ones that do not come often enough and those that we need more of.

Today's comfort was getting back in bed and stretching- arching my lower back and raising my arms above my head, reaching my toes down where the bed is cooler and the sheets are tucked in. Having those five minutes of stretching relaxed me and helped me to be in a calmer state to handle whatever my 4 year old decided to surprise me with in the next few hours.

I want to do more exercise-oriented stretching/moving/relaxing in my routine. I've been thinking a lot about zumba, because I have a friend that teaches it up North and just goes on and on about how awesome it feels. I looked it up and this is what I found:

This does not look like what I thought it would look like. I thought Zumba was more of a .. African drum dancing thing. This looks like everyone is doing Michael Jackson's Thriller Dance. If we are going to prance around like the zombies in Thriller then sign. me. up.

Little Girl/For Sale/ Going CHEAP.

I will not hurt my kids. I will not hurt my kids. I will not yell at them. I will not yell. I will not scrunch up my face and glare at them. I will not slam my door. I will not stomp off and cry.

Lately Lily and Madeline have been a handful .. no.. a SHOVEL full. A Tractor trailer full. They are amazingly bad. But I refuse to say that Lily is in her "Terrible Twos". I've always tried to be more positive and say the Wonderful Ones, the Terrific Twos, the Thunderous Threes, the Fabulous Fours, Fantastic Fives, and so on. Anne really loves it when I am this positive, but lately it has been hard to be so positive. From pulling up a chair to get magic markers on the counter, or dumping lasagna noodles on the kitchen floor, or whatever... Lily is into everything all the time.

This morning, I had to go to a meeting. I had pictures on the dining room table sorted out from our New England vacation to give to different grandparents. There must have been seven different piles for friends and siblings. When I returned, Jacob was in the kitchen doing dishes and Lily had dumped all the pictures I had sorted out onto the floor. Then she took the salt and pepper shakers and dumped it all over the table. People.. This is ONE thing that she did today. Can I mention the pooping in her panties, unraveling my yarn, painting her nails with fingernail polish, getting handfuls of pringles from the kitchen, opening all the umbrellas and placing them in rooms, still open...

It is 2:40 in the afternoon. That is it. There is still so many hours left in the day to do mischief. So. Many. More. Hours.

I feel like I have been the disciplinarian in our home from the beginning. Jacob is very very patient and very calm and often does not hear what the kids are yelling at each other. Often I will be the one to break up fights or turn the water off or stop the banging. It just doesn't register with him, probably because he was the oldest of so many children in his family and quickly learned how to mentally tune noise out. He goes into his little world and I am left with three screaming children and a mound of Barbie heads.

So.. what do I do? I can't really get Jacob out of his world easily and I cannot keep Lily on a leash. Well, I could, but then all my friends would call me a 'child abuser'. I refuse that sort of ridicule so instead I am struggling to keep my dishes intact. Any time there is a quiet spell, I am immediately tuned into finding Lily. This morning, I found her in our bathroom rummaging through our drawers. She then went into the hallway and marked on the walls. Even though she gets into trouble, she keeps repeating the same acts of disobedience. Sometimes she gets spanked, but I try to just either sit her in time out or tell her "NO! That is NOT the right thing to do." She seems to understand that and will say "okaaay. I sorrrry!"

Maybe she is not getting enough interactive play, whatever it is, I have got to figure it out soon so I will not run away and join Barnum and Bailey Circus. I think there is less face paint and jumping through hoops with them.

It makes me happy.

These were my favorites from My First Fail. 

This is the Spawn of Josh and Rachel's children.. if they have any. 

And this is my childhood, summed up in one picture. 

Thank you Sara, for making my day so much brighter. 

You know Jacob has had enough when...

I called Brandice today and told her how grumpy my husband was today, and how I thought it was so out-of-the-ordinary because WE WIVES are supposed to be the grumpy ones!! We are the ones running after that wild-eyed two year old with a magic marker in her little hand, while she makes a streak of black along the hallway wall. All the while I am screaming "get back here!" and she is laughing hysterically.  Oh, Motherhood.. you tricky tricky thing. You show me this beautiful helpless babe who needs me for sustenance and life, and then it grows to be a marker-loving-2-year-old devil who likes to kick you in the face while wiggling in your bed at 3 a.m.

So Jacob woke up grumpy. Maybe it was the fact that before we even got out of bed this morning, Lily had woken up, found my make-up bag, unzipped it, found the mascara and clutching it in her little hands, had made a beautiful black drawing on her bedroom floor carpet.   and her legs.   and her face.   and my make-up bag. 

It is times like this that I treasure the most.. the Jacob-being-grumpy part.  He is so funny when he is grumpy.  I asked him to help me make dinner in the kitchen, which tonight consists of cutting up a bunch of fresh vegetables from the garden to make a chicken vegetable stew.  The girls had come running through, with an elaborate play they made up starring Lily as Strawberry Shortcake, Anne as her dog Pupcake, and Madeline as her cat Custard.  I riled them up by announcing that today was National Chocolate Milk day, and "who wants some??".  

After giving them their drinks and all the jumping and shouting on their part, Jacob ushered them back into their bedroom, put a Strawberry Shortcake movie on for them,  and warned them not to leave the room.  I didn't know this until I took a break from making dinner to go back there and check on them. 

They were all sitting there, playing out the parts, and I sat down and gave Lily a big hug. Anne looked at me and said, in a sort-of shy tone : "Daddy said if we set one toe out of this room, he was going to put us in the basement and make us starve. " In which Anne and I busted out laughing... how ridiculous is that?   Please!!   If we put them anywhere, they would find a way out. They would eat through the walls, these kids of mine. They are tough and mean and have sharp metal teeth.  And Jacob has the biggest heart of gold. He can't even bring himself  to spank those girls, or put them in the corner. 

I just heard him leave the kitchen, grab a girl in the hallway and growl "RRRAAAAWWWRRR!!! I'M AN OGRE!!!" and I know that hearing all the girls screaming secretly made him happy. 

See??

This is what happens when Brandice leaves her Baby things here. 

Lily thinks she is a baby again. 

Things I Love: (part one)

1. I love Brandice. I love Brandice because she talks to me and understands me but most importantly... Does not judge my crazy ways. She probably just shakes her head and says something like "OH, That Laura!!!".
2. Ben and Jerry's Mint Chocolate Chip Ice cream.  No explanation. 
3. My husband. He is my hero.    He. Is. My. Hero. 
4. I love water. I dream about water every--single---night. Some times I am on a boat, drifting in deep blue calm waves. Sometimes there is a flood, and I am watching the waves lap up onto a porch or room. Sometimes I am on a beach, and drifting out to sea. Not sure what this means except perhaps it is because I am a pisces and the fact that I always have loved water. 
5. I love Journey. Probably one of the reasons I keep watching Adam Sandler movies is because I know I will get to hear "Don't Stop Believing"  at some point. 
6. There is always a song in my head. It is usually one that I heard while walking around Rite Aid and it stuck.  Something by Lionel Ritchie.
7. I always knew I was going to marry someone with a name that started with "J", and I knew they were going to be a musician. I KNEW IT.  I dated 2 Joshs,  1 Jason,  2 Johns,  a Joel, Jeremys.. 3 Jeremys.  Weird?? Yes. 
8. When  Jacob and I were in pre-marital counseling, Jacob told David MacKay that he had never met anyone that knew so much about music without being a musician.  That was probably the biggest compliment he has ever given me. Plus.. you should have seen that grin on David's face. 
9. Pandora is my new best friend.  Music compels me to have a better day and I usually thrive while working around it. I think I have driven people away with my senseless singing of Radiohead jabber.  Or Bjork. Poor Jaimee.  
10. At one point in my life I became obsessed with Bjork.  It was a weird time in my life, and I just clung to it. I realized my obsession and gave all my imports and precious music/videos/books to ex-boyfriend Jeremy.  It isn't that I don't still like her music, but I just don't need to be around it, for healthy reasons.  (Jaimee is happy)
11. One time I begged my mother to let me go the Nirvana concert. Some of my friends were going, and she was adamant that I was NOT going.  The next day my friend wore his Nirvana shirt to school that he got at the concert. As he walked past me, my anger rose up and I firmly punched him square in the gut. He crumpled behind me and I kept walking. I apologized later that day, though. Poor Jon Powell.  He's still my friend. 
12. I always wished I could have been a photographer. I love taking pictures. I feel that I am in a great spot, though. I feel blessed to be able to stay home with my girls and enjoy the age that they are at... and I still take pictures. 
13. I was actually a much better kid than my Mother or family thought I was. I think they probably thought I was a bit of a rebel. Perhaps I was with my dress, but I was actually a really good kid.  There is no way I could have shown them that though. 
14. My husband has the most beautiful eyes that I have ever seen.  He is also the kindest, most peaceful person. But he can't hear worth a damn. Stupid sawmill. 
15. I will probably never eat pimento cheese. It doesn't look right. Cheese is white, people. Not orange. They dye the cheese that color, you know.  We eat Cabot in our house. Pimento cheese just looks all sort of wrong. 
    

I am going to let you in on a few more secrets, ( like how I still rock out to Smashing Pumpkins) but later. Right now, I have to go take Miss Madeline to Movie Gallery where I am sure she will either pick out a. Hello Kitty movie,  b. My Little Pony movie,  c. Strawberry Shortcake movie,  or  d. another Beethoven movie.

Wish us luck.

Well, It's officially Summer Now.

Because I got my first Sunburn of the year. 

Anne's best friend and her Mommy invited us to join them at the local Water Park. This is a magical place that I have never been to before. A big, flat concrete area with chlorinated water shooting up in every direction.  I decided to go and bring Madeline and Lily as well, a chair, and some lemonade. Little did i know that the heat index would be 103. 

So after two hours of whining, scrapes, a big boy knocking Madeline down and lots of Capri Sun, I decided to go home. As I marinated in the radiation of the sun, I felt colder and colder. By the time Jacob came home from work, I was shivering under our covers. 

I got sunburned. It happens every summer, but usually by now I have been at the beach. 

Brrr..

Can you tell where my tank top was??

It will be a ibuprofen-y  next few days....

Hooray summer!!!

Oh and I accidentally killed a snake in the garden yesterday.  (yes Jaimee.. ACCIDENTAL )

 I saw a snake and went all Sarah Gilbert on it before I realized it was a really good snake in the garden and I felt like an ass afterwords. 

SWIMMY!!!!

A couple of days ago, Jacob went out in the backyard and decided to finish up the garden area. We love love our garden area.  It's down towards the woods and there are muscadine grapes growing on a trellis the length of the garden area. 

On another side there are bamboo plants growing tall.. and on another side, there are wild pink roses growing all over the ground. We planted a good size garden last year. However, the deer thought it was a good garden too, and ate absolutely everything, including the sunflowers. Everything... cucumbers, peas, beans, squash, watermelons, pumpkins, kale, okra, lettuce,  and more.  

This year, Jacob bought fencing and a gate to keep, or at least deter, deer from simply walking up and having a nice dinner. He did a great job and when he was finished putting the fence up, he weed-whacked the whole area.  I was down there when he had finished, when I looked down and saw the cutest little thing. 

A little teeny turtle had somehow survived Jacob's weed whacker, and was crawling out of the rubble. Poor wittle baby turtle.  I took him upstairs and placed him on the girls floor. They all came over and when Lily caught sight of him, she let out an ear piercing scream that I am sure will cause me to get a hearing aid within 5 years.  She must have thought it was a bug, because she reacted accordingly. 

We put him in the tub and then I let Madeline hold him. This was huge for her, because just recently she has discovered Roley Poleys.  One day I picked up Madeline from preschool and her teacher was completely freaked out at how she reacted around bugs. Another teacher had to come and physically remove Madeline from the playground and bring her inside to calm her down. After she realized that roley poleys were fairly calm and simple, she has ventured out to touch other things. 

So, the girls named him "Swimmy", because he was swimming in an inch of water, and my outstretched hand was his little rock to climb up on and look around.  We let him go after about 30 minutes, because  the girls know that animals like that are never happy indoors.  They were very good about all of it. I hope that one day we see Swimmy again. 

:)

sigh...

I didn't show you what else Lily did yesterday. She also found the HIDDEN box of compartmentalized beads of Annes.  She took them all out and mixed them up in a sea of color on my drab carpet. 

Lily....  making the world a more colorful place.. one mess at a time. 

French Fries make Mondays Bearable.

I feel like I haven't slept in days. So this will be a lot of rambling.  The day started out pretty well, with Brown Cow peach yogurt and half a banana.  It quickly spiraled out of control when I went to McDonalds to get Madeline some fries and ended up getting THREE bags of fries instead. Then I reached in and took a few out of Madeline and Lily's so there would be more for me. I ate all my fries with leftover blue cheese dressing from Ricatonis and then ate the remainder of Lily's fries. This is after I ate some Chef Boyardee  Ravioli. 

 I am so ashamed.  :(

Madeline asked me this morning if today was Friday. Fridays are so special because she thinks that she will get French Fries on Friday. I don't really know where this came from, but every once in a while, I will amuse her and get her a small fry.  I told her I had no money and she would have to search around the house to find change for Fries.  So, she came inside and started looking under couch cushions, and in drawers, under beds and on closet floors. She couldn't find any money at first, and she came up to me with shoulders slumped and feet dragging. 

"I CAN'T FIND ANY CHAAAAAANGE!!!"  

Then added " This is difficult and frustrating!" I told her to never give up hope, and to keep looking. I found a couple of quarters in a drawer and gave them to her.  Then she started saying "Never give up hope!" We finally found a good bit of change, and I told her we could go to McDonalds.

 I really NEEDED those fries. 

Lily has been a typical 2 year old monster today. As I type, she is pulling on me and trying to step on me. Now she is getting into Jacob's office chair, and I am not doing a thing about it. BECAUSE I'M TIRED.  First, she peed on my bed. Good morning, Laura!  Then, she demanded that I give her some corn pops. 

She is very particular, this two year old.   

Corn Pops!   Bowl!   No Milk!   Now!   Woman!   

Then when it came time for lunch, I made her some ravioli.  After doing a good job of filling her tummy and smearing ravioli sauce all over her shirt, hair, table, etc... she threw her bowl on the floor. My husband swept and mopped the kitchen floor for me this morning. Because I was about to tear my hair out at all the mess. 

DAMN IT, LILY. 

It got better. After I cleaned that up, she decided to pour  

ALL THE TABLE SALT all over the table. And play in it. 

When I finally changed her, I noticed she was stinky. After I cleaned her up, she looked at the dirty diaper beside her, reached over, grabbed it,  and pulled out a poopy finger. This wasn't my breaking point. I figure I have a few more things to happen today before I break. Those fries helped. 

I was listening to some random radio station while eating my french fries in my kitchen. They were talking about eating for your blood type. I was intrigued but my children decided that letting Mom listen to the radio was stupid and found something else to get into so I would have to stop what I was doing and yell at them. I wondered if my blood type called for french fries and blue cheese dressing from Ricatonis. 

It MIGHT.  YOU don't know. 

Lily is being quiet. This could mean a few things:

• She has reached into the fridge and gotten the chocolate syrup out, and is making a chocolate pie on the white couch. 
  

• She has realized that she can pull out all the stuffing from the computer chair upstairs and no one is stopping her. 
  

• She can  rummage in the garbage and find leftover ravioli bits to suck on. 
  

• Toilet water tastes pretty good when coming from her princess cup. 
  

• She has found something to be quiet with. 
  

• Has fallen asleep.
  

• She is watching cartoons because Curious George is on, and ironically, he is her favorite cartoon Character. 
  

I better go check it out. 

Conversations : Anne and Madeline.

Last Friday, I was feeling very emotional. I was contemplating God , His omnipotent Grace and Love. A little girl was being born that day, but was sure to be born stillborn. It brought so many feelings of hope, doubt, faith, love and confusion. The little girls name was Elizabeth Ann, and she was born at Helen Keller Hospital. The same place where my Anne Elizabeth was born 7 years ago. I couldn't help but think about this couple, and how lucky I am to have this beautiful girl, so healthy and wonderful. I wondered, why God allows this to happen, but also understanding His graciousness and blessings. It rained all day that day, on and off. Every time I looked away from something, it seemed like I would burst into tears. "Hello Bank Teller!! Have a wonderful weekend!!" Then as I pulled away from the bank, my face would collapse into sobs again.  I was mimicking the clouds. It would rain for five minutes, then clear up and be sunny, and back and forth. 

Madeline was really watching the sky that day, mainly because it is the first Thunderstorm of the year, and really the first Thunderstorm we have had in a long time. I love thunderstorms so much, and I am figuring that maybe Madeline will follow in my footsteps by marveling in natures emotions. 

Madeline and Anne were sitting at the dinner table and we were talking. Madeline said "I think Jesus is crying. I think He makes the thunder. Jesus lives in the CLOUDS!!"

Anne: "No He doesn't!!"

Me: "Yes he does!! If he can live in our hearts, he can live anywhere. "

Madeline: "Jesus lives in our BODIES." (rubs hands from her neck down her tummy)

Anne: "Jesus is even in this room!!"

Madeline: (looks up and waves) "HIIII JESUS!!!"

Madeline and Anne erupt in laughter, filling the kitchen with little girl giggles. 

Madeline: "I LOVE Jesus. I love him so much, that when I see him, I'm gonna give him kisses and hugs! I'm gonna kiss him to death!!     

But.... I'll be dead. "

Then I erupt in laughter.  That kid. She is pretty smart, but a different kind of smart than Anne. She seems to understand things that Anne doesn't. I've noticed several times when Madeline has understood something waaay before Anne did. 

Today is Madeline's birthday!! She is 5 and believes that she is almost a teenager. SO BIG.  I remember when she was born. The daffodils were blooming and the cherry trees than lined the hospital grounds were blossoming with beautiful pink blooms. She was born underwater, and it was the most beautiful and easiest birth I had. I felt so blessed to add another sweet girl to my family. Tomorrow is Jacob's birthday, and I have no idea what we are going to do. 

Maybe I should ask Madeline.....

Easter Weekend.

Easter Weekend wasn't so bad this year. It was actually kind of nice. There were no screaming matches, no food was thrown ,  no vomit, no goose eggs on foreheads.

First, I went to my Mothers side of the family and had lunch with corresponding Egg Hunt.  Then I went  to my Dad's, where we had church, lunch and corresponding Egg Hunt. 

This is my Dad's last year to be preaching during Easter. This June he will retire from the Clergy. THANKYOUGOD. For once, I would like to not have to travel all the way down to Deliverance country and perhaps go to my very own church for Easter Sunday.  I think the church will really miss him.  He has been there for about 12-13 years now, and he has traveled an hour there every Sunday and back again for that long.  His gas bill, and his car, will thank him come June.  

My step mother put  yellow roses she cut from her garden in our room where we stayed, and that made a difference to me. I love yellow roses. She probably didn't know that, but it made me happy to see them and it was sweet.  

Here, I like to joke that my Dad is saying "Lord, what am I going to do with these granddaughters of mine??" They are quite the handful. 

Madeline, standing outside of my Dad's church, being all cute and sweet as usual. 

She reminds me so much of myself when I was her age. 

Here, Lily shows her Aunt Beth this flower she picked and how it is more special than any other flower in the whole wide world and can I ride home with you, please??

When I was Lily's age, I sucked my fingers the exact same way she does, only it was with my other hand. My Step-mother made these dresses for the girls. 

Lily is upset with me that I am trying to take her picture, and clings to big sister Anne for help. Anne loves Lily and loves to show affection to her little sister. She just hugs her back. 

That was pretty much my Easter. It was nice, but I am so glad to be back home and be in Florence. There is no other place like it for us. We've visited all over the country, but Florence holds special meaning for us and we wouldn't trade it for anything else.  Now, if you have a bungalow down in the Caribbean and there are sandy white beaches and twizzlers to drink our coconut drinks out of, and palm trees and all of our friends can come, then I might think about living there for half of the year.

I realize that I am not having any more children, and with that, the sadness comes that I will never again hold a little newborn that is my own. I am not letting Lily's youth slip away from my memory like I did with my other two girls.  I remember being so tired and just wishing they could hurry up and learn to eat by themselves, to tie their own shoes, to go potty by themselves, and put themselves to sleep.  With Lily my reality is solidified by the fact she is the youngest. It all comes into focus. It becomes important. 

So the other morning while I was getting my coffee, I looked over and saw her sitting there, quietly, eating her breakfast cereal, by herself.  I smiled and watched her, so big, not needing me for anything.  I grabbed my camera which just happened to be on the counter and  took a few pictures of her. One day I will look back and miss these days.

Splashing in the puddles.

The other day, 

When it was still warm Spring weather,

it rained.

I took the advantage,

I let go of the fear. 

I took my girls outside

to jump in the Springtime puddles.

The warm rain had left a small puddle in our driveway

where the nutrients and rich soil

drift in the tiny river 

covering the small delicate feet of my children.

Children don't understand the complexities of Motherhood.

The dark black footprints left on my white carpet,

The wet hands clinging to my cotton shirt,

tugging at me because they are barefoot.

They watch as the snails creep by. 

They too, are enjoying the wetness and smell of a fresh rain.

Splashing and jumping,

Splashing and jumping,

The girls become mud monsters,

Attacking me with their muddy hands and feet.

I lean against a brick wall and watch them.

I am filing this memory in a special place. 

Watching the clouds roll in, another rain storm is coming,

our time is short. 

I sigh and take more pictures,

because soon they will be all grown up,

and just like me, they will keep their shoes on, 

and lean back, 

and take pictures themselves.

Another sign that I am in trouble.

This morning, at the table eating breakfast, Anne and Madeline were talking about their apples.

Madeline, of course, being the sweet little strawberry that she is, said to Anne : "Aaaaannnnee! Our Apples are TWIIIINS!!" Everything that child says is sprinkled with sparkly fairy dust.

Anne simply looks at her and replies "No Madeline. They aren't quite congruent. "

AND SHE KNEW WHAT CONGRUENT MEANT.

Lily is her own little person. And I am afraid of her.

Right now, I am watching my sweet baby Lily sleeping beside me. 

I should be asleep.

Her little face looks much like the photo here:

She looks so small and sweet and innocent, doesn't she??

You Fool. 

She is so far from that. She is become my little tumbling, screaming, screeching two-year-old who will strive to get her way NO MATTER WHAT. Today, we went to Trowbridge's, a local ice cream parlor built in 1918 and when you walk inside, it seems as if you have walked into the past. I love it there. Sitting down in the old fashioned seats, I order a chicken salad sandwich (it comes on white bread) and their orange pineapple ice cream (served in an old fashioned dessert glass).

As soon as that glass hit the table she grabbed it with her little grubby fingers and started eating it. I ignored it for the most part, because I really don't mind if she eats some of it. I just wanted a taste. 

When I get my spoon and start to take a bite, you might think that this sweet little person dressed in ballerina pink with a pretty little bow in her brushed, soft hair might be having a seizure. Screams shoot from her little open mouth and her whole body shakes in defiance of what she sees her mother do. This has become commonplace, lately, and I just roll my eyes. 

What can you do? 

I have spanked, threatened (and then followed up on the threats) taken things away and sat her in time out. It seems endless, and then again.... she is only 2 and 1/2.

You might think that with all of the hub-bub of my day and merely dealing with Lily, that I too, should be asleep. 

I am not asleep because... I can't sleep with out Jacob. 

aaaawwwww. 

He is downstairs with Anne watching that dumb sequel to the Narnia adventure movie that was awesome . This one seems (by the noises I hear) to not be so thrilling. 

I walked downstairs to do some laundry, and I asked him how it was. He replied with a "nuuaaah." 

Next week, he leaves to go to Chicago on a business trip for  a few days. I can already tell it is going to be a week filled with Tylenol P.M. and crying jags. The medicine will be for me, and of course the crying will be from the girls (mostly). I don't do well when Jacob is not around, but I figure I will manage. It is hard because they LOVE their Daaaaadddyyyyyy!!! He is magic and makes everything better and gives them things when Mommy says "no". They are always asking for him. I can imagine him at the hotel, getting a full nights sleep, eating at UNO's, laughing it up with Ben. YEAH, that's right. Ben Stedman is going. Because it is "work-related", and a computer programmer conference and why not, Laura, ease up geez I'll only be gone for a few days....

All I can say is, those girls are going to be getting LOTS of ice cream while he is away. 

Especially Lily.

When he gets home, maybe she will be nice to me again. 

aaaaaaand another reason...

Another reason why yesterday was a bad day. 

I was carded at the grocery store for buying wine. 

I am 31. 

also, I found a bright white hair on my head.

 I am 31. 

Weird?  I can name a few reasons to have grey hair already. One being genetics. 

I also live with three other reasons. 

Laura, Unhinged.

Dear Internet,

Another Day has passed, and another day has come to that point where I am reflective and all the mindless chatter in my brain becomes loud and obnoxious and I am forced to think about the tasks at hand and myself.   I have been ignoring myself lately.... to the point where doing something seems selfish and wrong. I.. after a nice long talk/cry/whimper session with my sister-in-law,  have come to the realization that I need what is called in the normal world as "breaks". These are things you do for yourself so you won't go crazy. They include simple things such as.... taking a nap... going to a bookstore and mindlessly wandering, going on a date, NOT DOING LAUNDRY.

 I know.. they seem very unreasonable and well, frankly, impossible, but people have reassured me that there is this thing, called "balance", and people do it all the time.  Things have become so blurry to me lately, that I find it difficult to drive or talk or  have real emotions. I have thought that possible I am going through a nervous breakdown of sorts, but my husband has assured me it is what he calls "burn out".  I am learning to laugh and cry and think. There will be a moment, and I will simply burst into tears. Most of the time, I can hold it together, and that is when I am very proud of myself. I think on the outside it looks as if I am very stable and approachable. Most of my friends will glide up to me and start joking with me, meanwhile I am nodding my head and smiling at them, joking back and forth, laughing and giving off the impression that all is fine in my world. They will ask me things like "How is your back?" "How is your family?" "Is everyone well in your family?".   I always respond with a reassuring "We are all mending", or "Fine, thank you!".  

That is not the case. I think lately I have been unraveling.  It is very difficult to think that I need to do something for myself. When I finally do force myself to rest or watch TV or write down my thoughts, I am overwhelmed with guilt. Guilt is pouring over me in waves and I become the Mother that cannot do enough to meet everyones needs. I am trying to learn, and the reason that I am writing it down here, is because I am forced to be reminded of the things I learn.  I know I need to let go, I know I need to relax, I know I cannot be all of the things I wish I could be for everyone. I want to be the Mom is is always there, the wife who is forever loving and kind, the friend with the listening ear and smiling face, the sister with the stories and laughter, the daughter with the heart for her parents.  I am realizing I am putting to much on myself. The pressure becomes unbearable, and then I fall apart. Sometimes the falling apart becomes healing and then growing into a  better person.  So .. that is the season I am in at the moment. I am not the person I am suppose to be. I have become unhinged, and am learning how to be the person that most people know and love to be . . . Laura.
For now, I will give you this..
My new song.

Happy Birthday, Brother.

Today is my Brother-In-Laws birthday. Not just ANY birthday.. he turns 30.  

There will be partying and hooray-ing and high fives and lots of shenanigans.  But I am a loser of a sister and am not going to the party. I sent my husband with things, and I am staying home with all of the coughing kids and fire to take care of. 

I can just imagine all of the fun they are having.  The last time I went to Brandice's for a party, there were pranks, yelling, some wrestling, and other things that she might not like me to post here.  :) 

Ben, I hope you are having a super fun party and just know that one day our kids will be all grown up and we can go celebrate as much as we want!! How fun will that be?!?! Happy Birthday, Ben, you old goose. 

Dear God, please take the curse off my house so we can all get better.  THAAAANK YOOU!