WTF??

I know.   Some of you are thinking.. "LAAAAURUUHH!! I know what that 'F' stands for!!" And my answer to you is... "I do too. And I don't care. "

So now that we are passed that... on to thoughts.  Umm.. I'm angry. REAL angry. I have a friend, that acts all pure and sweet, and I think they are actually fooling people to believe this.  I feel angry about this because I just want to be myself, and I want everyone else to know me for who I am. Like an open book. And I get angry when people I know are fooling others, and are not showing others their real self. I want to OUT them, but am learning patience to realize that people will always figure out the real truth in time. You know? It will be known. 

I have the best husband.. I know you are thinking you have the best husband, and my thoughts are... you probably have the best husband for YOU.  But I have the best husband for ME.  We are sitting there the other night, watching TV, and he looks over at me and says " You know what?? You are my home. I mean, we could live anywhere, do anything, but I wouldn't be home unless you were there."   

So I say "Stop it. Where is the tape recorder? I need to tape this. "

And he says "If I didn't have you, I would be Homeless."

And I am thinking to myself.. write this down, Nicolas Sparks... wherever you are.. This is GOLD. I want to see Rachel McAdams little doe eyes sparkle on screen when some hunk says that to her so I can cry with my girlfriends.  

My other thoughts today are.. I let people take advantage of me.. my time, my efforts, my love and patience, and that is all about to S-T-O-P.   I am tired of not taking time for myself and family and instead doing for others. I mean, I love ya'll and all.. but puh-leeze-- it has got to stop. And it will.   Three seconds ago. 

Fall is right around the corner and allergies to go along with it. We already take allergy medicine everyday and it doesn't seem to help much, so I am breaking out the local honey. One teaspoon (or tablespoon,... or 1/2 cup. ) a day and it should ease symptoms of  seasonal allergies. 

That is all.. 

Things I Love/Things you didn't know about me.. Part 2.

1. Recently, I have discovered Mint Juleps.  Helen Allman had me come over one night and had everything all laid out and showed me how to make it. Then she gave me the recipe that she printed out , and drew a little mint julep on it.  That is so like her to give me something like that.  LOVES. 
   
2. I like it when it is blistering hot outside, and I have to go every-stinking-where  with my 2 year old screaming and wiggling and trying to get away from me, and she goes towards those doors that open automatically, but someone stops her. Then I try to get the car cooled off as quickly as I can, because getting the kids in and out of their car seats while it is 103 outside is not pleasant. And then I come home and it is dark and cold and quiet and everyone takes a nap because it was so hot today. :)  
3. I like people who have swimming pools. Let's face it, if I had a swimming pool, I bet I would have a lot more friends. 
4. I love my friends. I have the BEST FRIENDS. I really do. We are close, and that is wonderful to me. It seems as I get older I see so many people.. especially people in my family, not have real, true, good friends.   I feel sad because they are not experiencing this kind of friendship in their lives. Not a day goes by that at least two of my friends call me or I call them.  (or see them). We are family to each other.  We text, g-talk, phone each other, or just meet up and have nice long talks over sushi.  
5. I love my church. I never thought I would be able to leave Calvary and the people there, but my church is awesome. They build me up and bless me, and I have purpose there. I feel needed and blessed and lifted up. 
6. MY ACCOUNTABILITY GROUP. Lord, almighty. They know about me, I mean... they KNOW about me.  I don't want to think what I would do without those ladies. 
7. Jennie Corley's roasted Pecans.  People, listen. You take pecans, put them in a pan, add some butter and salt, and roast those suckers while stirring them.. you have got yourself a snack. Put them in your baby green salad for something you will soon be addicted to.  
8. I love Jaimee's laugh. One day, I will record it and put it on here for your listening pleasure. 
9. I love it when Jimi attacks Lily in the Florence-Lauderdale Library corridor, making her screams bounce off the marble floors and interrupt everyone's internet chat room drama. It makes me laugh and have hopes that one day he will have children of his own. 
10. I love our basement. It's nice and cold in the summer. In the mornings, when Jacob is a wise man and is trying to give his wife a few more minutes of sleep, he will usher our girls down there to watch a princess movie.  This gives me valuable REM time to think about how I am getting out of the flood that is lapping up onto my porch (see #4 of Favorite things 1).
11. I love it when Aaron sprays his cologne in his room... The smell will drift out into the hallway and at least my hallway smells nice. Sometimes I day-dream that I will take his cologne and spray it all over the house so my house can smell better. KIDDING, AARON. 
12. Limes. Have I already talked about this?? Well, it deserves another talk. Limes are the best for boosting my mood. Or perhaps you could just bring me some guacamole from Rosies JACOB. 
13. Rosies Cantina.  I'm telling you ... I love Rosies so much, it is programmed into my home phone.  I'm not kidding. It's right under Ricatonis. 
14. Which brings me to Ricatonis. It is the place we go on every date. Jacob and I have just always loved it. We usually order the same thing every time, although lately we have been enjoying the shrimp spiedino. Heavenly. 
15. Food.  I love food. Everyone that knows me thinks I am a good cook. That is silly, because I really am not that great of a cook, people. I just love food. I love tasting it and tasting it and it just gets out of control sometimes. Note #7 and # 12 in this issue of "Lauras Favorites". See? There is just no getting around Sara Martins tomato Pie and Limes and Pecans and fresh basil and rosemary and... baby bella mushrooms sautéed with chicken. 

I'm hungry now. 

Easter Weekend.

Easter Weekend wasn't so bad this year. It was actually kind of nice. There were no screaming matches, no food was thrown ,  no vomit, no goose eggs on foreheads.

First, I went to my Mothers side of the family and had lunch with corresponding Egg Hunt.  Then I went  to my Dad's, where we had church, lunch and corresponding Egg Hunt. 

This is my Dad's last year to be preaching during Easter. This June he will retire from the Clergy. THANKYOUGOD. For once, I would like to not have to travel all the way down to Deliverance country and perhaps go to my very own church for Easter Sunday.  I think the church will really miss him.  He has been there for about 12-13 years now, and he has traveled an hour there every Sunday and back again for that long.  His gas bill, and his car, will thank him come June.  

My step mother put  yellow roses she cut from her garden in our room where we stayed, and that made a difference to me. I love yellow roses. She probably didn't know that, but it made me happy to see them and it was sweet.  

Here, I like to joke that my Dad is saying "Lord, what am I going to do with these granddaughters of mine??" They are quite the handful. 

Madeline, standing outside of my Dad's church, being all cute and sweet as usual. 

She reminds me so much of myself when I was her age. 

Here, Lily shows her Aunt Beth this flower she picked and how it is more special than any other flower in the whole wide world and can I ride home with you, please??

When I was Lily's age, I sucked my fingers the exact same way she does, only it was with my other hand. My Step-mother made these dresses for the girls. 

Lily is upset with me that I am trying to take her picture, and clings to big sister Anne for help. Anne loves Lily and loves to show affection to her little sister. She just hugs her back. 

That was pretty much my Easter. It was nice, but I am so glad to be back home and be in Florence. There is no other place like it for us. We've visited all over the country, but Florence holds special meaning for us and we wouldn't trade it for anything else.  Now, if you have a bungalow down in the Caribbean and there are sandy white beaches and twizzlers to drink our coconut drinks out of, and palm trees and all of our friends can come, then I might think about living there for half of the year.

Lets go back a few steps.

Dearest Internet, 

The month long hiatus from this blog was filled with lots of fun and then sickness, followed by laundry .. never ending laundry. And anger. But I will address that in my own time. I think some people just need to be pulled aside so that they can be told of the trail of toilet paper hanging out of their shoe.. or something allegorical like that. Some people don't want any attention brought to their own freak-shows. 

I had a birthday party!! It was a joint birthday  party with Brandice, and honestly I cannot think of any better way to spend a weekend. It was fiesta themed, complete with pinata and margaritas and tom-foolery.  My Favorite part was when I whispered to Brandice in her ear that I was going to point her to Ben Stedman, and she hit him PERFECTLY. The most brilliant thing was, his back was turned, and everyone else saw what was happening but him. she hit him square in the side. Everyone laughed and we got to spank Ben all at the same time. :)

I have the best friends, and I am so thankful for all the work that went into the party, and all the cleaning up afterwards. It was wonderful and I will always remember it. I think Brandice should have parties with me from now on. :)

Getting Frustration Out.

A while ago I called Jacob and he was at lunch with the boys from work. I heard Benstedmans yakking and I told Jacob to give Ben a message. I must have laughed for 20 minutes after hearing timid sweet Jacob say "Hey, Ben. Laura said to shut your big fat mouth".



I am still sort of sore with him not coming over and hanging out with us LIKE HE IS SUPPOSED TO DO. Today, I also found a sweet old picture of Ben on an airplane on Facebook. So I snatched it immediately and am posting it here.







I think I might try to find more old pictures of him for a good Internet laugh or two.
Who's with me?!?!?

Happy Birthday, Brother.

Today is my Brother-In-Laws birthday. Not just ANY birthday.. he turns 30.  

There will be partying and hooray-ing and high fives and lots of shenanigans.  But I am a loser of a sister and am not going to the party. I sent my husband with things, and I am staying home with all of the coughing kids and fire to take care of. 

I can just imagine all of the fun they are having.  The last time I went to Brandice's for a party, there were pranks, yelling, some wrestling, and other things that she might not like me to post here.  :) 

Ben, I hope you are having a super fun party and just know that one day our kids will be all grown up and we can go celebrate as much as we want!! How fun will that be?!?! Happy Birthday, Ben, you old goose. 

Dear God, please take the curse off my house so we can all get better.  THAAAANK YOOU!

Several times this week, I have opened a new page on my computer, to write a new post. 

Every single time, I ended up closing it, and doing something else.  I feel very put-out lately, with the many many things I have to do. I also feel overwhelmed and frustrated because all the things I want to do, I cannot. 

I am trying to pace myself, but I feel eager like a kid on a free candy-spree. I need to mop!! Oh and do the dishes! and start the rice for dinner!! and put more wood on the fire! and I really need to call that person back.. 

It seems overwhelming right now, for some reason. 

Madeline and Lily and I are still coughing. The other night, Ben Stedman was over here, and he heard me struggling with the coughing fits. Then he called me a SARS-monkey.  I laughed but inside I wanted to punch him in the face. I am so glad Aaron is around now, because he told me this morning about a time when Ben didn't stop coughing for a MONTH.  I can't wait to throw that back in his face. 

Cough it in his face. 

HeeHee.

Happy New Year, Internet!

This is the last day of the year. 

The day when we get all dressed up, buy a bottle of champagne and go somewhere to celebrate the New Year. 

Well, at least that is what MOST people do. 

Last year, we had a nice party here at our house.  We played party games, had delicious food and laughed hysterically at other 

peoples New Years Resolutions. 

This year, we are taking down Christmas decorations and getting ready for family that is visiting in about a week from Vermont. I feel like the biggest bozo for not getting a babysitter or at least doing something for my friends here at the house like last year. There just seems to be so much to do and so little time to get it done. 

And since all the kids have been sick for so long, I want to keep them in. 

They all have ear infections, 

and are all on anti-biotics. 

So to all of you out there with your black sparkly cocktail dresses and hairspray and fancy shirts... Happy New Year to you!  And to all of those Ladies like me... who are in their jammies and have their hair up in a ponytail and are surrounded by clean laundry that needs to be folded... Here's a glass to you.. may your laundry get folded, may your children sleep all night.. and may all your dust bunnies flee.

Happy New Year. 

Keep your murderous rage in check.

This Christmas has been the most stressful Christmas in  FOREVER. From Thanksgiving, to what will be New Years, we have been sick at my house. First, getting the stomach flu (which no one else got thankyouGod) then Lily getting the croup, Madeline getting an ear infection, and now on the heels of that, Anne is very sick. 

I am not sure what she is suffering from, but she has a temperature over 102 almost every night three nights in a row and her throat hurts. We have been babying her and giving her lots of whole foods and drinks to ease it, but she is still sick. 

This just in.. Lily now has a fever...

Not being able to really go out and buy gifts, I have been making many gifts this year. I crocheted little hats for my nieces, made pillows and bows and cross-stitched. It reminded me of this web-site that I used to visit to laugh for a while whenever I was down.

 It's called Subversive cross-stitch, and it was born from a woman named Julie Jackson. She was trying to quit smoking and her mother bought her a cross-stitch book to keep her mind busy away from how angry she was at the world.  I used to smoke some when I was a teenager, and I have to admit, I understand where she is coming from. Addictions to anything can make you a cranky loser to be around. I think there have been times when I was denied eating salad for a few days and it wasn't a pretty picture of a loving wife and mother. Jacob might say "horrible fire-breathing beast" but he isn't the one writing this, is he?!?

Subversive Cross stitch might say all the things you want to say to people, but don't have to. I have to say, it is much more therapeutic to cross-stitch these thoughts out then to say them. And afterwards, you have a comical dish towel to display when douche-y friends come over. 

I can think of some more things to cross-stitch but I don't really feel like typing them out on here. 

Maybe I'll just start cross-stitching them out......

xoxoxo,

Laura

Harassment

Harassment is a beautiful art form that is only accomplished by few. To harass another person, you must learn a few simple rules:

• They must know that you are harassing out of love.
• They must be friends. 
• They need to know that harassing them back only means more harassment from you.
• It never ends.
• Brandice is Queen Harasser and there is no stopping her. 
  

Today as I was chatting with my sister-in-law, which I do daily, I was reminded about something that I have not really seen in many circles of friends. My circle of friends know it all too well. Harassment can be seen or heard on a daily basis around us. It usually entails something such as "Come over to my house and hang out with us or I won't give your painting back." or calling them names, like "Ginger" over and over.   This is better done if your friend has red or auburn hair and has been teased about it before. You can add Ginger into your sentences, like .. "That's gingerific" or "He suffers from Gingeritis" or "Gingers are GRUMPY!". 

You get the point. 

Here are some ways that you, too, can harass your friends out of love. 

• Go to their personal space and move stuff around, whether it be their home office, their cubicle at work, their car or truck, or bedroom. 
• If possible, get access to their car or truck and turn the radio channel to country music or something else horrendous. 
• Also, turn windshield wipers on, pull the seat way up or way back, and make the air conditioner come on full blast.
• You can take large items from their area, leaving a personal note that says "come over and you can get it back". This usually takes the regular computer nerd longer than usual to figure out what is missing, since they are indeed mad geniuses and have very filthy desk/personal space  areas. 
• Send them postal mail unsigned, but with personal insights that only their close friends would know. (i.e. "Hows those hemorrhoids??")
• Blog about them. 
• Take old glamour shots of them and splatter them on the interwebs. 
• Take old pictures of your friends from 3rd grade and make a wall display. Hang it somewhere where everyone knows them and will see it upon entering a room. 
• Call them up and pretend you are not yourself but someone else, and make strange demands. Make a funny name up, like.. Brenda.
• Take a snapshot of them using the bathroom and use it against them so they will come over and eat pizza.
• Go to their house and put a bunch of fake spiders in their bed, which you got from Target when all the Halloween stuff went on sale. 
• Take all the cereal out of their box of Wheaties and fill it with acorns or something you can find around the yard for cheap.  Leave a note. 
• Make a missing persons ad and stick it on the carton of milk they use every day. See how long it takes them to notice they are missing. Put hilarious stats on the missing persons poster, like.. answers to "ginger".. only has one testicle... usually keeps his iphone glued to his face..

Now, some of you may think that it is manipulation or control, but I tell you this,  IT IS NOT. Why.. because they do it to you. And it goes round and round, and it is fun.  Never do something that you think the other person would get truly mad about.  This defeats the whole purpose of friendly banter and harassment. If you do something to them, make sure it is something you wouldn't mind doing to yourself. 

We have a friend named Kyle, and he is like... 12.    He is always coming over and making party fouls. Brandice and I have decided to buy him some sippy cups and write his name on it, so when he comes over he won't spill what ever he is drinking all over our beautiful carpets.

That is a little form of harassment. Mainly because 1. it is useful, 2. He will laugh about it, and 3. Everyone else will too.  :)

I hope you learned a valuable lesson today in Harassment 101.  One last lesson to grow on... Harass someone first before they can do it to you.