I haven't really slept in two nights.. I'm not sure why, but I have a feeling it has to do with stress.

This means I have an excuse to be short tempered and frustrated and completely look off into space with glazed-over eyes when you talk to me about something I don't care about. That happens a lot. I realize someone is really trying to talk to me about something that happened to them, or they feel a certain way about _______, and I think -- "oh my. I have not been listening. what have they been talking about? Have they asked me questions? I haven't heard any lapses in speech. " Than I start nodding my head in agreement and say .. "Isn't that just life for ya? GOD! "

Maybe I am just getting older, 0r maybe I just need way more sleep.

When Sleep does come, I have Stanley Kubrick dreams. Last night I dreamt that I was having another baby. I had planned on having this baby in a bath tub of an upstairs room that was completely unfinished. I think you could actually see the stars from the tub just by looking upwards. The day came when I started having minor labor pains, and when I sat down to use the bathroom, the baby came out. It was small and wrapped in .. uh.. organs? Wet, red ,.... flesh.

I unwrapped it to see what it was. At first, I thought it was a boy and thought.. FINALLY.. A BOY! but then I realized it was a girl and then thought.. oh my god I have FOUR GIRLS.

She was feisty and alive and chatty. That's right.. chatty. She knew a few words and could say MAMA. I also noticed she had teeth. Like, all of her top teeth. I just gasped and thought how horrible breast feeding would be.

These are my dreams, people.

When I woke up, I realized how sad I was that we aren't having any more children. Jacob was completely done with children after Madeline, but I begged and pleaded to please let me have another. So After Lily was born, he went to the hospital and got him self all fixed up. The conversation went something like this...

Me: " Hey, honey? Let's just go. We haven't paid yet, and we can just leave now and go home. "

Jacob: " No way. We are staying and I am getting this done. "

Me: "whine."

I think I am still mourning this decision. I still secretly wish that I could somehow get pregnant even though he is done. I have heard that it can happen, but seriously doubt it will. Jacob has made valid arguments that my back would not be able to handle another pregnancy, and he is probably right. Even without a job and without being pregnant, I hurt probably every three months. Right now is one of those times.

I picked up Madeline at church on Sunday and I think that was probably the worst decision of the month of May. Not only am I getting ready for Madeline's Magic birthday this Saturday, but it is also Jacob's birthday, and the end of school for the kids, graduation, Spring Art and Dance show, and my back is out. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO CLEAN EVERYTHING so I won't be secretly judged by mothers on Saturday?

I need a maid.

zzzzzzzzzz........

This is what happens to me every week. .

I clean my house, I vacuum, mop, do laundry, and dishes. I make sure everything is put away and the coffee is ready to start in the morning. I feel so organized and accomplished.  It feels so great to look around and feel like you can walk around without your shoes on.. God forbid you step on one of those sharp little legos that bruise the bottom of your tender feet. 

I go to bed patting myself on the back and then that thing happens.. It happens often. It's happened most of my life. I don't sleep.  Somewhere down the line, there must be vampire blood or owl blood or something else that is majorly screwed, because I can't figure out what I am doing wrong to deny myself sleep. 

I LOVE sleep. I could stay in bed aaaaallllll day and just snuggle in the covers and and read my Readers Digest or watch Barack Obama and dream about what it would be like if I had married him or Jon Stewart instead.   

But sometimes, well.. often.. I just don't sleep. I will lay away till about 2 or 3 a.m. and then finally drift off. Then if or when I wake up, my day becomes Cranky Momma Day. The kids scatter and learn to get their own water or juice. Last week on that particular day, I woke up and started sneezing over and over. So I decide to take a Benadryl. (I never take medicine). About an hour later, Jacob is ready to go to work and the Benadryl knocks my ass out.  I am the crankiest momma ever, yelling "SSHHHHHHH!!!", and "LET MOM SLEEEEP."

My children have learned from this sleep deprived state of motherhood. 

The other day, the girls were talking to themselves at the kitchen table. Madeline started chanting "Apple juice! Apple juice!! Apple juice!! Apple juice!! Apple juice!! Apple juice!!" and I said "Madeline, that isn't a nice way to ask for juice. " And Anne piped up to be the big sister and said "Maaaadeliiine. Don't ask like that. You could anger Mom. And then she might ATTACK!!" and she curled her fingers and sort of lunged at Madeline.  Which I thought was hilarious. 

Today was a good morning, though. I got up, took a shower to wake myself up, and started cleaning. Then I swept, mopped, checked on the garden, mailed my netflix back, stuff like that. I'm getting ready for Ben Stedman to come over for dinner, which he never does anymore because he is famous and has to practice all the time for his band that I secretly wish he wasn't in.  Because then he would be bored and we could see him more.  I have a feeling that since I didn't sleep last night, that he will come over, I will laugh and have a drink and then perhaps pass right out and not spend any time with him. I won't get to make fun of him or ANYTHING.

Guess I better get it all out of my system right when he walks in the door.  Anyone wanna help me fill up some water balloons?

The Most Magical Place in the World...

.......Used to be Disney Land. Now when someone wins the Superbowl,  all they want to do is go to the Florence River Heritage Park Splash Pad!! Well.. at least me and my kids do. And IT'S FREE!! 

I have only just started taking my children there. I guess I was intimidated by the fact that I would have to take them by myself, and was unsure how much trouble it would be to get them out of the car, set up camp, chase them and yell in front of innocent children with their parents. 

I always have this fear that I am going to do that thing where I start yelling at my kids in public and all the music will stop, and everyone swivels their heads to look at me, mouth agape.  Crickets will chirp, and I will be embarrassed that I was the one yelling in public. 

So, I finally went. To my delight, I wasn't the only one yelling, and  thankfully, the girls were really  really good. :)

It seems like a little oasis in the boring parts of summer, when the air conditioned rooms dry out your skin and make you feel cold.  Every day I wake up and think... should I take the girls to the Splash Pad? They have fun music playing, chlorinated water, and I bring my chair and set up to watch the girls and get some well-deserved sunshine on my face. 

We have only had a couple of really bad moments there. One day Anne dove knee-first onto the concrete, skinning her knees pretty bad.  The other one was horrifying, Madeline got hurt on the gusts of water in a private area.  

Even after scrapes and boo-boos, we still love to go. I think it is magical in the sense that it makes Mommy happy, and I usually bring snacks and Capri-Suns for them.  

Sunshine + Snacks + happy Mama.. = seems too good to be true. 

Now when I say "Who wants to go to the Splash Pad??", Lily will jump up, take her clothes off and scream "SPLASH PAD SPLASH PAD BABY SOUP BABY SOUP". Baby Soup is how she says "bathing suit". 

Maybe we will go today...

Things I Love: (part one)

1. I love Brandice. I love Brandice because she talks to me and understands me but most importantly... Does not judge my crazy ways. She probably just shakes her head and says something like "OH, That Laura!!!".
2. Ben and Jerry's Mint Chocolate Chip Ice cream.  No explanation. 
3. My husband. He is my hero.    He. Is. My. Hero. 
4. I love water. I dream about water every--single---night. Some times I am on a boat, drifting in deep blue calm waves. Sometimes there is a flood, and I am watching the waves lap up onto a porch or room. Sometimes I am on a beach, and drifting out to sea. Not sure what this means except perhaps it is because I am a pisces and the fact that I always have loved water. 
5. I love Journey. Probably one of the reasons I keep watching Adam Sandler movies is because I know I will get to hear "Don't Stop Believing"  at some point. 
6. There is always a song in my head. It is usually one that I heard while walking around Rite Aid and it stuck.  Something by Lionel Ritchie.
7. I always knew I was going to marry someone with a name that started with "J", and I knew they were going to be a musician. I KNEW IT.  I dated 2 Joshs,  1 Jason,  2 Johns,  a Joel, Jeremys.. 3 Jeremys.  Weird?? Yes. 
8. When  Jacob and I were in pre-marital counseling, Jacob told David MacKay that he had never met anyone that knew so much about music without being a musician.  That was probably the biggest compliment he has ever given me. Plus.. you should have seen that grin on David's face. 
9. Pandora is my new best friend.  Music compels me to have a better day and I usually thrive while working around it. I think I have driven people away with my senseless singing of Radiohead jabber.  Or Bjork. Poor Jaimee.  
10. At one point in my life I became obsessed with Bjork.  It was a weird time in my life, and I just clung to it. I realized my obsession and gave all my imports and precious music/videos/books to ex-boyfriend Jeremy.  It isn't that I don't still like her music, but I just don't need to be around it, for healthy reasons.  (Jaimee is happy)
11. One time I begged my mother to let me go the Nirvana concert. Some of my friends were going, and she was adamant that I was NOT going.  The next day my friend wore his Nirvana shirt to school that he got at the concert. As he walked past me, my anger rose up and I firmly punched him square in the gut. He crumpled behind me and I kept walking. I apologized later that day, though. Poor Jon Powell.  He's still my friend. 
12. I always wished I could have been a photographer. I love taking pictures. I feel that I am in a great spot, though. I feel blessed to be able to stay home with my girls and enjoy the age that they are at... and I still take pictures. 
13. I was actually a much better kid than my Mother or family thought I was. I think they probably thought I was a bit of a rebel. Perhaps I was with my dress, but I was actually a really good kid.  There is no way I could have shown them that though. 
14. My husband has the most beautiful eyes that I have ever seen.  He is also the kindest, most peaceful person. But he can't hear worth a damn. Stupid sawmill. 
15. I will probably never eat pimento cheese. It doesn't look right. Cheese is white, people. Not orange. They dye the cheese that color, you know.  We eat Cabot in our house. Pimento cheese just looks all sort of wrong. 
    

I am going to let you in on a few more secrets, ( like how I still rock out to Smashing Pumpkins) but later. Right now, I have to go take Miss Madeline to Movie Gallery where I am sure she will either pick out a. Hello Kitty movie,  b. My Little Pony movie,  c. Strawberry Shortcake movie,  or  d. another Beethoven movie.

Wish us luck.

Easter Weekend.

Easter Weekend wasn't so bad this year. It was actually kind of nice. There were no screaming matches, no food was thrown ,  no vomit, no goose eggs on foreheads.

First, I went to my Mothers side of the family and had lunch with corresponding Egg Hunt.  Then I went  to my Dad's, where we had church, lunch and corresponding Egg Hunt. 

This is my Dad's last year to be preaching during Easter. This June he will retire from the Clergy. THANKYOUGOD. For once, I would like to not have to travel all the way down to Deliverance country and perhaps go to my very own church for Easter Sunday.  I think the church will really miss him.  He has been there for about 12-13 years now, and he has traveled an hour there every Sunday and back again for that long.  His gas bill, and his car, will thank him come June.  

My step mother put  yellow roses she cut from her garden in our room where we stayed, and that made a difference to me. I love yellow roses. She probably didn't know that, but it made me happy to see them and it was sweet.  

Here, I like to joke that my Dad is saying "Lord, what am I going to do with these granddaughters of mine??" They are quite the handful. 

Madeline, standing outside of my Dad's church, being all cute and sweet as usual. 

She reminds me so much of myself when I was her age. 

Here, Lily shows her Aunt Beth this flower she picked and how it is more special than any other flower in the whole wide world and can I ride home with you, please??

When I was Lily's age, I sucked my fingers the exact same way she does, only it was with my other hand. My Step-mother made these dresses for the girls. 

Lily is upset with me that I am trying to take her picture, and clings to big sister Anne for help. Anne loves Lily and loves to show affection to her little sister. She just hugs her back. 

That was pretty much my Easter. It was nice, but I am so glad to be back home and be in Florence. There is no other place like it for us. We've visited all over the country, but Florence holds special meaning for us and we wouldn't trade it for anything else.  Now, if you have a bungalow down in the Caribbean and there are sandy white beaches and twizzlers to drink our coconut drinks out of, and palm trees and all of our friends can come, then I might think about living there for half of the year.

Just go ahead and stick a dagger in my heart.

Jacob got to Chicago! They made it up there pretty fast, actually.. I was impressed.  He had told me that they were in "wicked heavy traffic" and that the city was busy and beautiful. He sent me a picture of the Sears Tower. I talked to him when he got to his hotel and chatted for a while, although, they were pretty exhausted from driving for 10 hours. 

A little later, I called him and he blurted "I CAN'T TALK. I'M DRIVING. I'M TRYING TO FIND HEATHER ARMSTRONG."  I hung up the phone and got really excited, mainly because I LOVE her and would die if I got to be in the same room with her. So witty and brilliant, that lady. 

He called me a while later and I eagerly answered, thinking.... well.. thinking so many things. For instance.. Did he just tell her he "drove all the way from Alabama to Chicago and can you please say hello to my wife who is in love with you?" Instead I heard a defeated "Hey, Honey." Which meant bad things that would later come back to haunt me. He said yes, they did find the bookstore. Yes, she is still here signing books. They are all sold out of books. THEY ARE ALL SOLD OUT OF BOOKS. THEY ARE ALL SOLD OUT OF BOOKS. For REALz. I heard all this chatter and I felt all the mixed emotions of defeat and utter excitement. 

Me: "Well.. Can... you just tell her I said Hello and you drove all that way and I love her?"

Jacob : "no."

Me: " How does she look? Is she all tired and bloated and pregnant-looking??"

Jacob: "uh.. she's putting on a good face."

Me: "Can you just hold up your iPhone and take a PICTURE of her???"

Jacob: "No."

Me: "Well!!  Can you just .."

Jacob: "NO, LAURA. There is a room full of people. There is a long, long line to see her.  It's going to take her another hour just to sign all those people's books."

I felt so close.. yet so far away.  I actually did that little girl squeal when he called me from the hotel. It went something like this "eeeeeeeeeeI'msoexcitedyourinthesamecityasheeeerrrrr!!!".

It's the effort. That is why I love that man. 

Flight of the Conchords.

Sometimes, I pretend that I am their superfan and not Mel.
How weird would that be??
In this clip of the Flight of the Conchords, Bret and Jemaine meet some muggers on the mean city streets. They try to rap and show the muggers how hard-core they are, but they eventually get mugged anyway. It's one of my favorite episodes.
If I met some muggers on the street, I have often imagined what I would do. Sometimes I think about how I would react to certain situations, horrible situations, should they ever occur.
Imagine I hear a noise in the middle of the night in my basement. Now that I have a ninja living in my house, I do not worry about it as much. But suppose I hear a noise in the middle of the night, a crashing of glass... In my mind, I grab the phone and call 911 and then hide in the closet, closing the door veeeeery sloowwwly. Than I whisper to the police that a burglar is in my basement and hurry the hell up. If the burglar catches me before the police show up, however, I act like I have never called the police and could I get him anything?? Jewelry? Cash? a spot of tea? Whatever, because frankly I do not care about any of the possessions I have, only certain things like, pictures and my computer (which I have already hidden under my bed and under my heating pad.) And my computer is only important because of the pictures that are on it.
When the police show up, I act surprised. ("who could THAT be??") It all works out in the end.. in my mind. I never have to wake up my children or husband.

In reality I actually poke Jacob until he wakes up and checks out what that noise was... that he never heard because he worked in a lumber mill and is half-deaf.... and it almost always is our heating system kicking on in the middle of the night.


I hope HBO keeps this show around for many years to come.

I probably won't ever want to eat Spinach Dip again. Sorry, B.

Last night I was having another strange dream. Let's face it. ALL of my dreams are super messed up. They are never of me running in a field of flowers and anything nice. My dreams are all directed by Stanley Kubrick  on an acid trip so hold on to your seats because you will probably throw up. I am amazed that things that go on inside my head can be there and I can still function as a prosperous citizen of my community. 

Last night, I was dreaming that I was in someone's garage, getting a bowl full of Spinach dip and chips.  The garage door was open and my good friend Justin Timberlake had just left.. into the darkness of the evening. I turned and saw a large black figure coming towards me. I noticed right away that it was one of those great big wolf-coyotes that will tear your limbs off and eat you alive.  We were in Arizona, by the way, and I am guessing that deep down, I think there is an abundance of flesh-eating coyotes in Arizona.

So I tried to get back into the house with my spinach dip real fast before that coyote came through the open garage door, but I soon realized that I was a really really obese lady and I couldn't fit though the door. Oh, and there was music playing... that music that I hear in my dreams and I can hear all the instruments but I could never re-create because I can't play music. 

So I woke up. I looked over and it was 5:45, and in a little while the alarm was going to go off. I was still thinking of the dream when the alarm went off and I heard Annie Lenox singing "sweet dreams are made of these.. who am IIIII to disaaaaagree-hee. " 

So I've been trying to figure out my dream, but most of the time, figuring out my dream is like chasing a leaf in the wind ---- pointless. But I did realize a few things...

1. I really do like Justin Timberlake. Or maybe I just want him to leave. 

2. I am scared that my in-laws will think I am fat. 

3. Why didn't I just close the garage door?? If I saw that in a movie, I would be screaming at the screen for the dumb blonde to throw her spinach dip at the coyote and close the door. At least it would have bought her a little time. 

4. I have many many scary dreams about someone trying to get me/chase me/ kill me and I will always run for a door and can't close the door, like the door is too small for the door frame and a big space is around the door itself and it won't latch. 

5. I will never cease to have music in my dreams. 

I think tonight will be one of those nights where I just take a tylenol p.m.  and leave Stanley Kubrick for someone else's dream.

:)