You Can't Always Get What you Want.

Lily has been going through this phase where she is just... retarded about the toilet. She is potty trained, and can easily go potty ALL BY HERSELF. Lately, though, she will not even step foot in that bathroom without one of us hovering over her, encouraging her that "she can do it! Go potty! sit down! Do it! Do it! DO IT! DO IIIITTT!!!" Eventually she will go, but another thing hinders her from finishing the job.

Flushing the Toilet.

She can't seem to get her little hands to push hard enough on the lever to flush it. And she gets really really mad about it. She will scream and cry, and instead of saying "Flush the Toilet Mama!" She screams.. "TURN ON THE SWISHIE!!"

I always end up laughing at her and trying to teach her to flush, but then end up flushing it myself and then that makes her REALLY MAD. Like, "why the hell did you flush it, woman?".

I do not understand 3 year olds. I figure this is a little glimpse of Teenager Lily.

Be Careful Little Ears, What you hear.

There are times in my life, where I have had an epiphany, an eye opening, an awakening to how things are or have been in my life. These moments of clarity to life's mysteries always leave me to be more of a grown woman, a little bit better of a wife, or mother. I never write about them, but keep them hidden in my heart so I will remember them and keep them close to me.

A moment like this happened to me recently and more than anything I was ashamed at how I had been acting around my children. Sometimes, children will say cuss words or make some action that is just like their parents. When the parents ask "where did you hear that word??!" Of course, the parents are immediately ashamed when they realize it was out of their very own mouths that the sweet innocent children heard those words. Sometimes over, and over, and over again.

It happened when we went on vacation recently, to Orange Beach, Alabama. It is my favoritestestest place to go. We have been there before, but actually, it is the first time I have ever really felt like I was on vacation. That is sad to say... but honestly, I don't get to go on vacation with people who let me be myself. This time, is was wonderful .. I was with my husband, my children, my mother, and our roommate Aaron. Aaron is Benstedman's brother. We claim them all as family (see Stedman/Senecal Thanksgiving), and when the opportunity came for Aaron to live with us in January, of course we wanted him here. I hope he never leaves. He is perfect with the girls (when we get to see him) and loves to play and be a perfect gentleman in my home and be considerate and kind and forgiving. It is wonderful .

So.. we are on vacation. This means we are in a place that has cable. Jacob took away my cable (I say MY cable for many reasons JonStewart) when we needed to save some money. He got a Tivo in its place and it is the best thing Jacob has ever bought, besides my wedding ring. We watched everything on vacation that we don't get to watch at home.... including the stupid stuff. On one channel, a woman is crying tears of joy... because she is hunting in the woods with her pubescent son, and they are waiting on this one buck who is oblivious to their little hideout. They waited patiently for three days for these deer to wander over to this field.. and they take their shot and she gets her buck. Normally we would never watch this, but by gosh we are on VACATION. While I am standing there, thinking.. ::poor deer. Poor kid!:: Madeline saunters over to the TV and yells " a deer! A DEEER!!! " and starts barking. At the TV screen. Loud. "bark! bark! Bark! bark!"

This is when my moment of realizing that every time I go over to the window or door to scare the deer out of my yard, and bark at them, my children see it. They are just mimicking me. And honestly, I look pretty stupid. I have decided to not bark at the deer anymore. I will just watch them from my windows... glaring at them until they run away.

I am going to be more careful about lots of things. :)

Hooray!

I got another self-righteous criticizing letter from my step-mother! 

Life is beautiful and awesome and perfect. 

Two Black Eyes and a Roundabout Kick to the face, please.

I wish I could reach into the internet and  beat the hell out of someone.  I really do.  As a God-fearing Christian, YES. I TOTALLY DO. Some people just need a good punch in the face.  And God knows this, and I think He would be okay with it. 

My sister has just gotten a dose of what Dooce gets most likely everyday, and  at first, I was thinking to myself "Oh, just like Heather Armstrong. " 

Instead of laughing about it and posting remarks making a valid point like Heather, my sister has been hurt by the words  "You are a bad mother" or "You are an idiot". I think she feels threatened enough that she is willing to take her ENTIRE blog down. This is tragic for me. 

1. I have gotten so much closer to my sister through reading her daily blogs. We connect like we haven't connected in the past. 

2. I feel angry that someone has hurt her in a way for her to even consider such an action. 

3. She is a WRITER.  This is her passion and her way of expressing herself through her art.  

I wished I lived closer to my sister.. To hug her, to let her cry on my shoulder, and to look her square in the eye and forcefully tell her to stand up for what is right and blog all she wants. 

Also.. you know, she didn't do anything wrong. AT ALL. But words hurt. Especially when it is about your kids. Maybe I am just more aggressive than her, but I would abuse them right back with a Fist of Words. 

Jerks.

I'm Very Angry.

Dear Internet,

I do not, in the least, believe that I might be able to understand my husband. First, I need to get things straight that we have the most loving of relationships. We get along, we are totally in love with each other, and compliment each other, We Are Very Happy. 

However, (you know that when I throw out the 'however', it means I am probably angered and need to get something off my chest) HOWEVER HOWEVER HOWEVER , my husband drives me beserk. This is the same man who once forgot to tell me MY MOTHER WAS IN THE HOSPITAL. Not until she called and said in a most annoyed tone "HI! I AM JUST FIIIIINE!" I just sort of rolled my eyes to imagine the drama that was going to come out of her mouth. I said "uh.. okay. " And then she said "Did Jacob not tell you I called and told him I was in the hospital??" 

"JAAAAACOOOOOOB!!!!!"

Yeah!! It happened. Are we exchanging internet glances with raised eyebrows at each other?? Because that is how I felt. 

 He did it again.  Today he was going to the hospital early to be sedated and then have an endoscopy in his throat. I was nervous but kept myself busy as today is a very busy day because I cook for my church on Wednesday nights, and all the girls are going to school.  Aaron, our friend, went with him and stayed there to make sure everything went well, since I had to get the girls ready and take them to school, and then start cooking. I called Aaron around 10 to see if I needed to pick him up at the hospital and bring him home to rest a while, because they weren't going to let him leave until he could walk around by himself.  Aaron said they were actually on the way to work even though Jacob was still groggy and could walk around some. He is incredibly stubborn about work. 

Then I call Jacob at 3 (since I haven't heard from him) and ask him how he is feeling and how did it go this morning.  He tells me he went to work only to lay down and rest, and then I pull miniscule bits of information out of him BECAUSE HE CANNOT JUST TELL ME.  I ask him when does he go to the doctor to find out what they found during the endoscopy... and he says so nonchalantly "oh they already found it, oh and they fixed it, too" Finally, I get angry and tell him that people are going to ask me how he is doing and can he please tell me what happened today?? You know, because I am his WIFE.  And I should KNOW these things. I imagine myself sitting there tonight at church, and everyone I asked to pray for Jacob today saying "So, Laura, how did it go today at the hospital??" and I would just look at them blankly and say "uhdunno".  And look like a total dumbass.  I tell Jacob everything. I would have called him and told him if I had a procedure done at the hospital and what it was and everything. So... Am I just the only one to think that is retarded of him?   I am going to wait for my sister Beth or my friend Sara to tell me a movie where someone is totally brilliant and has a magic brain , yet cannot communicate with people on a social level. What? What movie is that?  BECAUSE JACOB SHOULD BE MADE INTO A MOVIE. Totally awesome Dad, and Husband.. yet.  total retard sometimes. 

Jacob's endoscopy revealed that there was a constriction in his throat. They went inside with a balloon to inflate the constriction, and how it is fixed. That is all he would tell me.  :(

Love, 

Laura

Laura, Unhinged.

Dear Internet,

Another Day has passed, and another day has come to that point where I am reflective and all the mindless chatter in my brain becomes loud and obnoxious and I am forced to think about the tasks at hand and myself.   I have been ignoring myself lately.... to the point where doing something seems selfish and wrong. I.. after a nice long talk/cry/whimper session with my sister-in-law,  have come to the realization that I need what is called in the normal world as "breaks". These are things you do for yourself so you won't go crazy. They include simple things such as.... taking a nap... going to a bookstore and mindlessly wandering, going on a date, NOT DOING LAUNDRY.

 I know.. they seem very unreasonable and well, frankly, impossible, but people have reassured me that there is this thing, called "balance", and people do it all the time.  Things have become so blurry to me lately, that I find it difficult to drive or talk or  have real emotions. I have thought that possible I am going through a nervous breakdown of sorts, but my husband has assured me it is what he calls "burn out".  I am learning to laugh and cry and think. There will be a moment, and I will simply burst into tears. Most of the time, I can hold it together, and that is when I am very proud of myself. I think on the outside it looks as if I am very stable and approachable. Most of my friends will glide up to me and start joking with me, meanwhile I am nodding my head and smiling at them, joking back and forth, laughing and giving off the impression that all is fine in my world. They will ask me things like "How is your back?" "How is your family?" "Is everyone well in your family?".   I always respond with a reassuring "We are all mending", or "Fine, thank you!".  

That is not the case. I think lately I have been unraveling.  It is very difficult to think that I need to do something for myself. When I finally do force myself to rest or watch TV or write down my thoughts, I am overwhelmed with guilt. Guilt is pouring over me in waves and I become the Mother that cannot do enough to meet everyones needs. I am trying to learn, and the reason that I am writing it down here, is because I am forced to be reminded of the things I learn.  I know I need to let go, I know I need to relax, I know I cannot be all of the things I wish I could be for everyone. I want to be the Mom is is always there, the wife who is forever loving and kind, the friend with the listening ear and smiling face, the sister with the stories and laughter, the daughter with the heart for her parents.  I am realizing I am putting to much on myself. The pressure becomes unbearable, and then I fall apart. Sometimes the falling apart becomes healing and then growing into a  better person.  So .. that is the season I am in at the moment. I am not the person I am suppose to be. I have become unhinged, and am learning how to be the person that most people know and love to be . . . Laura.
For now, I will give you this..
My new song.

Tuesday

I really am this busy. I was going to blog all this stuff I have been saving up for a time, but my life has resembled that of a factory assembly line moving way too fast to accomplish any one task at hand.
Yesterday I was having a bad day. The only good that came out of it was really hearing the good news about my sweet niece getting tests results that were in her favor.
I was going along, plugging away. Even though things seemed to stress me out more as the day was getting older I kept going. That was my clue. I never know when to stop.

I had finally reached the home stretch. I was on my way to pick Jacob up from work, and go home for a nice dinner and relaxing Television. That is when I heard a HOOOOOOOOOOOOONK and then a sudden ::THUD:: . I looked over to see a white van that had come too close to my van and obviously I had my first wreck. I was surprised by not only the wreck but by the sudden action I took in such a mishap. Those that know me would assume that I would either flap my hands around my face uncontrollably, have tears rolling down my face, take on the fetal position, or laugh like a maniac and drive away. Instead, I immediately pulled ahead, got my phone, dialed Jacob's number as I was walking towards to woman behind me, and calmly but pointedly told her how she was clearly in the wrong by pulling out in a place that is not a turn lane, and did she see what that is right there?? NOT a turn lane. Then I told her I would check for damage on my vehicle and come right back. I did all of this before Jacob could say "hello".

Me: "Hey. I'm at the corner of Chisholm and Cox Creek. A lady just hit me. I don't see any damage. I will be late picking you up and will call you back, OKAY?!?!"

Jacob: "whoah, okay.. yeah"

So I go back and tell the visibly shaken woman that there is no damage, and if anything she probably just bumped my mirror. She says she must have hit my tire because she points to all this dark rubber on her white van. She is wiping it away with a baby wipe. It's coming off easily, and for the first time since I stepped out of the car, I relax a little bit. I look around at the rain, the passing cars, how dark it is getting. The other woman is wearing a light grey wraparound knitted jacket. It looks cozy.
Then I look at her window and see the M.O.P.S. sticker on her window. I can only imagine my face, but I say, very slowly.. "are you an Early Arts mom??" She seems even more visibly shaken that I asked her this question, as if Early Arts moms surely aren't making mistakes out here in their super mom vans. She stutters but seems to get out that she is an Early Arts mom and she is head of the MOPS. (Mothers of Pre-Schoolers)
I tell her, as we walk back to my van to check for damage yet again that my children go to Early Arts as well, and open the van door to introduce her to Madeline and Lily. She gets comfortable and tells me that her son Henry is in Lily's class. This is the funny part where I always laugh. My face just froze, and I said "OOHH! HEEENRYY!!! HENRY is the little boy that beats Lily up."

You see, one day Lily came home with a busted chin because HEENRYY pushed her down on the ground. Then a week later, he was swinging a toy around and around in the classroom when Lily just happened to walk by and get smacked in the face by Henry, yet again.

We hugged each other that we were not in a worse accident, and that everything seemed perfect. It was weird that of all the people in Florence driving there that afternoon, we met. The best part was when we were parting and she said "so... Henry hits Lily and I hit you..."