The Blessings in Life

Today I cleaned up after breakfast and did something most mothers never do.

I stopped.

I looked around, I took a drew a deep breath of quiet air and said "Thank You Jesus." My living room was freshly vacuumed, new Spring tulips gently bowing in a glass vase on the table, no toys, shoes, dirty socks or jump ropes laying about. This may seem so insignificant a thing to post about, but for me, it is exuberant. My home is almost never clean; living with three little girls, there is almost always a barbie head or barbie book laying out.

And in all honesty... Its only one room. The other rooms have dirty clothes or coloring sheets of half-colored princes and queens peeking out from under the couch or bed. But I am blessed by this one room with blue walls and soft couch that relaxes me when it's clean.

Today I'm thankful for the quiet- children off to school and tv turned off. Birds tweeting and gathering for the nests they are making in my trees and bushes. Fresh coffee and farm milk. Soft carpet.

This makes a morning.

That's just Life. And Death.

It's been a long time since I've posted anything. I have sat many a mornings in my quiet spot to think about this, why I've been so distant and not openly spoken about things that have been stirring in my heart. I've called this season in my life The Bummer Summer. I've spent many moments just crying, or pondering why I feel the way I do. Or why I am so angry. Part of this is because of my Dad, and his passing in February, 2 days before my 33rd birthday. In one way, it was so wonderful, his quiet going in the early morning, under heavy sedation, peaceful, quiet, slow and calm. In other ways, I am still really angry for things he had done in the past.. things he Did, and things he DIDN'T do, and he should have. I feel like I really missed out on having a Dad. He was divorced from my Mom when I was about 6, and then he just wasn't around. A couple years later and he was happily married with the love of his life and her two children, which became very close to me. But, in the process of gaining them, I lost him. I .. LOST him. and I could say that was just one thing, and then I could get over it, but honestly, it was a lot more than just that one thing.

I have come to realize since his death that although I loved my Dad very very much, I do not want to be like him, in many ways. I think that sometimes life hands you these cards, and it isn't the hand you are dealt, but how you play them. I was handed a situation , over and over. Depending on my life at that moment, I handled it in different ways. I hope I can handle other things in my life the way that (in my mind) I admire others for. There is me, and then there is this other perception of me that I aspire to be. I hope I can be that person one day. Until then, others will have to have grace, patience, and love for me to learn along the way. I promise to post more upbeat and happy things later. Also, I will read my sisters blog. Maybe in the next few days. xoxoxoxo

Priorities, Priorities.

Every Day, I want to write. Then, every day, I don't write. I make to-do lists, get a clean shirt, wash little hands, unload the dishwasher, load it again, fold that laundry and find that missing shoe under the bed. So today, the rainy, gloomy, get-back-in-bed day is going to turn into a get-something-accomplished day. :) This morning, my 4 year old reminded me that we have a movie called "How To Train Your Dragon", and even though she has watched it several times already and is scared to watch it alone, she wants to watch it again.

Today.

With You.

And Popcorn.

So you can't get anything accomplished.

So I did. Sometimes, even though you have a mile high list of things to do, you have to stop, put your arms around a little bitty kid and watch a movie with them, and of course, eat their popcorn. It was nice because honestly.. I really do not spend enough time with my children. They go to public school, come home, and then I am usually busy making dinner or cleaning to really engage with them. I have tried to go on mini dates with my daughters, sitting with them at dinner and talking to them about little things that we never seem to have the momentum to talk about. Depending on who you are with depends on where you go. Anne always wants to go to Rosies. Madeline will want to go to McDonalds. Lily will want to go to Chuck-E-Cheese.

I am going to try to really engage with my children, on a nice level, not a mean, scowling, clean your room or I will spank you level. Because lately that is how I've been operating. Just, please for my sanity sake- clean your room. Or clean something, because if I step on one more lego, mama is going to lose her ever lovin' mind and nobody wants to see that again.

One morning, when things got quiet, I made myself a grilled-cheese sandwich with tomato, and I walked over to my window, put my feet on the air vent to warm them, and ate my sandwich while I watched the birds. I know I sound like an 84- year old, but it made me think about the small comforts in my day. I want to write more, and every time I write, I will add the small comfort I found for myself. Other Mothers who read this know about those Small Comforts, the ones that do not come often enough and those that we need more of.

Today's comfort was getting back in bed and stretching- arching my lower back and raising my arms above my head, reaching my toes down where the bed is cooler and the sheets are tucked in. Having those five minutes of stretching relaxed me and helped me to be in a calmer state to handle whatever my 4 year old decided to surprise me with in the next few hours.

I want to do more exercise-oriented stretching/moving/relaxing in my routine. I've been thinking a lot about zumba, because I have a friend that teaches it up North and just goes on and on about how awesome it feels. I looked it up and this is what I found:

This does not look like what I thought it would look like. I thought Zumba was more of a .. African drum dancing thing. This looks like everyone is doing Michael Jackson's Thriller Dance. If we are going to prance around like the zombies in Thriller then sign. me. up.

Beans, Greens and Gay farm boys.

I have a new fascination with cable, one show in particular... The Fabulous Beekman Boys. This show makes me feel like Martha Stewart and Omnimedia productions decided to look at the life of a woman like me and make a show JUST for them! This television show makes me feel like someone can read my dreams and make shows from them. When I see Josh and Brent live on this beautiful farm in upstate New York, I can remember the smell of the New England grass when freshly cut, I remember the people and how they never wore make-up, I remember the farmers markets and the culture.

I want a miniature version here at my home. This summer we (and when I say "we", I mean "Jake") have been digging out a lily bed that is waaay overgrown in order to plant some rose bushes and hopefully purple coneflower with black-eyed susans. Lilies will be put in another bed closer to the pond.

We have 2 different kinds of muscadine grapes and a garden spot -(that did horrible this year. ) The grapes seem to have done well despite the rest of the garden, and the basil seems to thrive as well.

Earlier in the Spring we got a truckload of horse manure that must have still been too hot. We added some around the base of the grapes and added some through the dirt of the rest of the garden. Looks like it burned most everything, we added it to but the basil and grapes.

This summer was also a time to start making kombucha again, and it sparked my interest in making kimchi. Fermentation has always been around in our foods, even if we don't know it.. from yogurt to cheese, olives, beer or bread. I read an article about "countertop Culture" - planting, keeping and storing involving fermentation. This is incredibly interesting to me and I find that it is even more interesting than photography. I have started to wonder if I could possibly get a degree in culinary arts now, majoring in green/organic cooking. That seems -- hopeless to me in one sense, and in another sense I see a great need for that in the South.

The more we rely on Wal-Mart and Big Box stores for our fruits, vegetables and milk- the more out of touch we are with the local farmer and the produce that naturally grows in our area. There is so much to learn and we are just tapping into the surface here at our house- we started with kombucha, now we make our own bread, pasta, and shopping at the local farmstand and butcher. I feel better about what I feed my family and am learning that the most delicious dishes in my house involve meatless recipes.

For more information check out the Slow Food Movement and Meatless Mondays. Just choosing one meal a week to be meatless can save money, water, gas, your waistline, and never on taste!