I haven't really slept in two nights.. I'm not sure why, but I have a feeling it has to do with stress.

This means I have an excuse to be short tempered and frustrated and completely look off into space with glazed-over eyes when you talk to me about something I don't care about. That happens a lot. I realize someone is really trying to talk to me about something that happened to them, or they feel a certain way about _______, and I think -- "oh my. I have not been listening. what have they been talking about? Have they asked me questions? I haven't heard any lapses in speech. " Than I start nodding my head in agreement and say .. "Isn't that just life for ya? GOD! "

Maybe I am just getting older, 0r maybe I just need way more sleep.

When Sleep does come, I have Stanley Kubrick dreams. Last night I dreamt that I was having another baby. I had planned on having this baby in a bath tub of an upstairs room that was completely unfinished. I think you could actually see the stars from the tub just by looking upwards. The day came when I started having minor labor pains, and when I sat down to use the bathroom, the baby came out. It was small and wrapped in .. uh.. organs? Wet, red ,.... flesh.

I unwrapped it to see what it was. At first, I thought it was a boy and thought.. FINALLY.. A BOY! but then I realized it was a girl and then thought.. oh my god I have FOUR GIRLS.

She was feisty and alive and chatty. That's right.. chatty. She knew a few words and could say MAMA. I also noticed she had teeth. Like, all of her top teeth. I just gasped and thought how horrible breast feeding would be.

These are my dreams, people.

When I woke up, I realized how sad I was that we aren't having any more children. Jacob was completely done with children after Madeline, but I begged and pleaded to please let me have another. So After Lily was born, he went to the hospital and got him self all fixed up. The conversation went something like this...

Me: " Hey, honey? Let's just go. We haven't paid yet, and we can just leave now and go home. "

Jacob: " No way. We are staying and I am getting this done. "

Me: "whine."

I think I am still mourning this decision. I still secretly wish that I could somehow get pregnant even though he is done. I have heard that it can happen, but seriously doubt it will. Jacob has made valid arguments that my back would not be able to handle another pregnancy, and he is probably right. Even without a job and without being pregnant, I hurt probably every three months. Right now is one of those times.

I picked up Madeline at church on Sunday and I think that was probably the worst decision of the month of May. Not only am I getting ready for Madeline's Magic birthday this Saturday, but it is also Jacob's birthday, and the end of school for the kids, graduation, Spring Art and Dance show, and my back is out. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO CLEAN EVERYTHING so I won't be secretly judged by mothers on Saturday?

I need a maid.

You Can't Always Get What you Want.

Lily has been going through this phase where she is just... retarded about the toilet. She is potty trained, and can easily go potty ALL BY HERSELF. Lately, though, she will not even step foot in that bathroom without one of us hovering over her, encouraging her that "she can do it! Go potty! sit down! Do it! Do it! DO IT! DO IIIITTT!!!" Eventually she will go, but another thing hinders her from finishing the job.

Flushing the Toilet.

She can't seem to get her little hands to push hard enough on the lever to flush it. And she gets really really mad about it. She will scream and cry, and instead of saying "Flush the Toilet Mama!" She screams.. "TURN ON THE SWISHIE!!"

I always end up laughing at her and trying to teach her to flush, but then end up flushing it myself and then that makes her REALLY MAD. Like, "why the hell did you flush it, woman?".

I do not understand 3 year olds. I figure this is a little glimpse of Teenager Lily.

Seasons. They are a Changing.

I realize the last two posts were contradicting of each other, one was a "Wow" and one was a "Pow". In the College group that I am somehow (a God thing) a part of... they do this thing called PowWow. When they asked me to be a part of this group, and help out, I was flattered and jumped at the chance to hang out with the College group at church. Are you kidding me?? Man, an hour (or two, or three!!) without children and be around people who get to sleep and read books and listen to music.. probably music that I like? HELL YES.

So I joined. But then I realized I had sort of bit off more than I can chew. Dealing with a 2 year old like Lily... a job, a husband, a house to clean and those pesky Stedmans to deal with... (kidding BEN! pleasedon'thurtme) and I have two other children too.

So anyway.. they do these icebreakers, and I was already so nervous to even be there, and didn't know anyone, and then they do the POWWOW thing, and I thought I was going to pee in my pants right then and there. But you give a "pow", which is a negative thing that happened this week.. then a "wow" which is a positive thing. I think you understand. If you don't, you shouldn't be reading my blog, you idiot. But I am normally a nervous person, so speaking in front of others in painful to watch.

I started reading the book that went along with the class.. and I am surprised at myself. This book, called SEVEN, by Jeff Cook, has really ministered to me. What a blessing this class has been. (the wow) I feel like God has completely orchestrated the whole thing. It goes over the Bible's "Seven Deadly Sins" and let me tell you.. WOW. This book is amazing. I would encourage it a read for everyone.

So everything has been lacking lately. My proficiency as a wife an mother and house-keeper is all shot to hell. I just can't get everything done. So my expectancy in myself is going down. If I keep high expectations on myself I will just drive me and everyone around me crazy.

My house will be messy. I will forget homework. I might forget to brush my childs hair in the morning. I might be wearing mis-matched socks or need a drink at 3 in the afternoon. But this is the season I am in. And if your expectations of me are higher than this... I will go ahead and tell you that I will let you down. Cause I can't do much better than this.

Little known fact: I LOVE DAVID BOWIE. The Thin White Duke is a little dream of mine. Yes my husband knows. No, I do not rub it in his face. nom nom nom, Bowie.

WTF??

I know.   Some of you are thinking.. "LAAAAURUUHH!! I know what that 'F' stands for!!" And my answer to you is... "I do too. And I don't care. "

So now that we are passed that... on to thoughts.  Umm.. I'm angry. REAL angry. I have a friend, that acts all pure and sweet, and I think they are actually fooling people to believe this.  I feel angry about this because I just want to be myself, and I want everyone else to know me for who I am. Like an open book. And I get angry when people I know are fooling others, and are not showing others their real self. I want to OUT them, but am learning patience to realize that people will always figure out the real truth in time. You know? It will be known. 

I have the best husband.. I know you are thinking you have the best husband, and my thoughts are... you probably have the best husband for YOU.  But I have the best husband for ME.  We are sitting there the other night, watching TV, and he looks over at me and says " You know what?? You are my home. I mean, we could live anywhere, do anything, but I wouldn't be home unless you were there."   

So I say "Stop it. Where is the tape recorder? I need to tape this. "

And he says "If I didn't have you, I would be Homeless."

And I am thinking to myself.. write this down, Nicolas Sparks... wherever you are.. This is GOLD. I want to see Rachel McAdams little doe eyes sparkle on screen when some hunk says that to her so I can cry with my girlfriends.  

My other thoughts today are.. I let people take advantage of me.. my time, my efforts, my love and patience, and that is all about to S-T-O-P.   I am tired of not taking time for myself and family and instead doing for others. I mean, I love ya'll and all.. but puh-leeze-- it has got to stop. And it will.   Three seconds ago. 

Fall is right around the corner and allergies to go along with it. We already take allergy medicine everyday and it doesn't seem to help much, so I am breaking out the local honey. One teaspoon (or tablespoon,... or 1/2 cup. ) a day and it should ease symptoms of  seasonal allergies. 

That is all.. 

TGIF

Madeline reminded me that today is FRIDAAAY!! and you know what that means, of course.   

What's that?

you DON'T know??!!? 

Well, of course it is Friday, and in Five-year-old language, that means it is French Fry-day.  

So every week, on Friday, I get this guilt trip about it being Friday, and mom, I really feel like going somewhere today. Where you ask? Oh, you know.. a restaurant.  Um, one that serves french Fries. And I am sooooo hungry oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh my stomach hurts, I am dying of hunger look at my eyes roll back in my head. 

I think I should go ahead and put that kid in some drama classes. 

zzzzzzzzzz........

This is what happens to me every week. .

I clean my house, I vacuum, mop, do laundry, and dishes. I make sure everything is put away and the coffee is ready to start in the morning. I feel so organized and accomplished.  It feels so great to look around and feel like you can walk around without your shoes on.. God forbid you step on one of those sharp little legos that bruise the bottom of your tender feet. 

I go to bed patting myself on the back and then that thing happens.. It happens often. It's happened most of my life. I don't sleep.  Somewhere down the line, there must be vampire blood or owl blood or something else that is majorly screwed, because I can't figure out what I am doing wrong to deny myself sleep. 

I LOVE sleep. I could stay in bed aaaaallllll day and just snuggle in the covers and and read my Readers Digest or watch Barack Obama and dream about what it would be like if I had married him or Jon Stewart instead.   

But sometimes, well.. often.. I just don't sleep. I will lay away till about 2 or 3 a.m. and then finally drift off. Then if or when I wake up, my day becomes Cranky Momma Day. The kids scatter and learn to get their own water or juice. Last week on that particular day, I woke up and started sneezing over and over. So I decide to take a Benadryl. (I never take medicine). About an hour later, Jacob is ready to go to work and the Benadryl knocks my ass out.  I am the crankiest momma ever, yelling "SSHHHHHHH!!!", and "LET MOM SLEEEEP."

My children have learned from this sleep deprived state of motherhood. 

The other day, the girls were talking to themselves at the kitchen table. Madeline started chanting "Apple juice! Apple juice!! Apple juice!! Apple juice!! Apple juice!! Apple juice!!" and I said "Madeline, that isn't a nice way to ask for juice. " And Anne piped up to be the big sister and said "Maaaadeliiine. Don't ask like that. You could anger Mom. And then she might ATTACK!!" and she curled her fingers and sort of lunged at Madeline.  Which I thought was hilarious. 

Today was a good morning, though. I got up, took a shower to wake myself up, and started cleaning. Then I swept, mopped, checked on the garden, mailed my netflix back, stuff like that. I'm getting ready for Ben Stedman to come over for dinner, which he never does anymore because he is famous and has to practice all the time for his band that I secretly wish he wasn't in.  Because then he would be bored and we could see him more.  I have a feeling that since I didn't sleep last night, that he will come over, I will laugh and have a drink and then perhaps pass right out and not spend any time with him. I won't get to make fun of him or ANYTHING.

Guess I better get it all out of my system right when he walks in the door.  Anyone wanna help me fill up some water balloons?

A major milestone happened today, without my control or nagging.  Many of you know that my middle child Madeline will not eat certain things. In fact, her eating habits are in these food groups :  Chicken nuggets, plain straight french fries, french baguette bread, grapes, apples, oranges, berries, most fruit.. and uncooked raw vegetables, such as carrots sticks, cucumber slices, peas, beans, cabot sharp cheddar ( it has to be Cabot) and peanut butter.  That is pretty much IT, folks.  And her food cannot touch each other. I forgot hotdogs. She loves hotdogs.  When I give her the hotdog, she will often tell me whether or not she wants it cut up, or in a bun, and what to put on the dog itself.  If I put mustard and ketchup on her plate, THEY CANNOT TOUCH OR THE PLANET WILL EXPLODE, MOM. 

Seriously, I will have to start all over. She will not eat a peanut butter sandwich. But she will eat peanut butter on a spoon and then eat some bread on the side.  Won't eat macaroni and cheese, or pizza, or spaghetti... none of the kid-loving meals. I make a big fuss about how silly it is for her to get upset and make sure she knows that I think she should just get over it. 

Today Madeline and Lily were watching Blues Clues (or Lily says.. Boos Cooos!!) and it was the 'snack time' episode. When I made the girls lunch today, I just made a "snack time" themed lunch. I bought Madeline one of those plates with dividers so it would be easier for me to keep her food separated. I put some cut up apples in one pocket, a piece of bread in another, cucumbers, and a spoonful of peanut butter.  Later when I came in the room, she wanted to show me how when you mix apples with peanut butter that "it tastes like apple juice". I was shocked as I watched her dip a slice of apple into her peanut butter AND THEN EAT IT. Without force.  I was amazed.  

And she said she saw it on Blues Clues. 

I love you, T.V. 

Hooray!

I got another self-righteous criticizing letter from my step-mother! 

Life is beautiful and awesome and perfect. 

12-4

Sitting in your basement at 2:30 in the morning because you can't sleep is never the right way to deal with anger. In my defense, I really don't know what else to do but sit here and cry out to God as to what to do with all the hurt, because I am no longer able to function as a realistic wife/friend/mother/daughter with bottled up emotions. I am able to function in a way that people notice something is wrong, but maybe they can't pinpoint it, or perhaps they just don't know how to awkwardly ask why I am behaving in such a way that would make them notice. 

 

Whatever the reasoning, I still sit here. The light of my computer and the hum of my husbands computer. I wonder how long it will take before I go to bed. I wonder how long my husband will let me sleep it off tomorrow. I wonder how long I will continue to not talk to my Father. I wonder how long it will be before he finally calls. I wonder if I will answer. I wonder if my daughters will wonder why we don't visit them anymore. I am wondering if I will continue to feel this way or if it will subside with time, or if I will get bitter and angrier as time goes by. 

I feel like there is freedom ahead but am unsure how to walk towards it. I can see beautiful things but don't know how to reach out and touch them . This is surely to be a long and painful process.  I hope that my daughters will be able to see a strong woman, a loving mother, who stands guard over them, and not the weak and sobbing lady in her bathrobe in the basement. 

I'll never really know, I suppose. But I do know that I am raising my daughters to be able to talk to me, to be able to say the things they want to say, and I will listen. I will listen with every ounce of energy that I have, because I want it. I will be the grandparent that I see in my friends Larry and Helen. I will call my grandchildren, and I will ask them all about their day, and ask them what they had for lunch and who their friends are at school. I will encourage them in the things they love and I will kiss and hug and support them. I will call them on their birthday and tell them how wonderful and special they are. I will have the desire and drive to be the better grandparent.  I will sit at my kitchen table and have long talks with  my daughters over tea or coffee or whisky.. depends on what they are going through.  I will pat them on their hands with my old withered and worn hands, with love, letting them know that storms pass and better times are ahead.  

There is so much hope for them. They come from very loving parents, who in turn love in each other. We work together, and amuse our children with silly games and stories. We lay in the grass together and look at clouds and birds and stars. We play hide and go seek in our home and always act surprised when we hear giggling  coming from the closet and little faces jump out at us. And although it sounds warm and fuzzy and perfect, no ones family is ..  I am guessing that in the great balance of life, the sadness and heartbreak of my childhood and now adulthood will perhaps bring a greater sense of purpose, and create a loving family environment for my daughters childhood.  I learn from others mistakes. That is why I eloped. That is why I stand up for myself when I need to.. and why I stand back and not get involved in others conflicts. 

I am still learning. 

Hopefully a great big lesson soon will bring forth much wisdom.

Visitors

There commmmminngg. 

My husbands family is coming. 

Tonight. 

Seven of his siblings... one nephew I haven't met, a sister-in-law I have met, and a cousin. 

This makes me .... ____________. 

a. Nervous and shaky.

b. Happy.

c. Crazy.

d. Excited.

e. Laid-back and relaxed. 

????? You Pick.

The cousin will be here for three months... with us. 

I am trying to keep my mind open and not be psycho-Laura.  Because she is NOT pretty. Just ask my old roommate Jaimee. Poor Poor Jaimee. 

HEY JAIMEE! You wanna get me a margarita?

French Fries make Mondays Bearable.

I feel like I haven't slept in days. So this will be a lot of rambling.  The day started out pretty well, with Brown Cow peach yogurt and half a banana.  It quickly spiraled out of control when I went to McDonalds to get Madeline some fries and ended up getting THREE bags of fries instead. Then I reached in and took a few out of Madeline and Lily's so there would be more for me. I ate all my fries with leftover blue cheese dressing from Ricatonis and then ate the remainder of Lily's fries. This is after I ate some Chef Boyardee  Ravioli. 

 I am so ashamed.  :(

Madeline asked me this morning if today was Friday. Fridays are so special because she thinks that she will get French Fries on Friday. I don't really know where this came from, but every once in a while, I will amuse her and get her a small fry.  I told her I had no money and she would have to search around the house to find change for Fries.  So, she came inside and started looking under couch cushions, and in drawers, under beds and on closet floors. She couldn't find any money at first, and she came up to me with shoulders slumped and feet dragging. 

"I CAN'T FIND ANY CHAAAAAANGE!!!"  

Then added " This is difficult and frustrating!" I told her to never give up hope, and to keep looking. I found a couple of quarters in a drawer and gave them to her.  Then she started saying "Never give up hope!" We finally found a good bit of change, and I told her we could go to McDonalds.

 I really NEEDED those fries. 

Lily has been a typical 2 year old monster today. As I type, she is pulling on me and trying to step on me. Now she is getting into Jacob's office chair, and I am not doing a thing about it. BECAUSE I'M TIRED.  First, she peed on my bed. Good morning, Laura!  Then, she demanded that I give her some corn pops. 

She is very particular, this two year old.   

Corn Pops!   Bowl!   No Milk!   Now!   Woman!   

Then when it came time for lunch, I made her some ravioli.  After doing a good job of filling her tummy and smearing ravioli sauce all over her shirt, hair, table, etc... she threw her bowl on the floor. My husband swept and mopped the kitchen floor for me this morning. Because I was about to tear my hair out at all the mess. 

DAMN IT, LILY. 

It got better. After I cleaned that up, she decided to pour  

ALL THE TABLE SALT all over the table. And play in it. 

When I finally changed her, I noticed she was stinky. After I cleaned her up, she looked at the dirty diaper beside her, reached over, grabbed it,  and pulled out a poopy finger. This wasn't my breaking point. I figure I have a few more things to happen today before I break. Those fries helped. 

I was listening to some random radio station while eating my french fries in my kitchen. They were talking about eating for your blood type. I was intrigued but my children decided that letting Mom listen to the radio was stupid and found something else to get into so I would have to stop what I was doing and yell at them. I wondered if my blood type called for french fries and blue cheese dressing from Ricatonis. 

It MIGHT.  YOU don't know. 

Lily is being quiet. This could mean a few things:

• She has reached into the fridge and gotten the chocolate syrup out, and is making a chocolate pie on the white couch. 
  

• She has realized that she can pull out all the stuffing from the computer chair upstairs and no one is stopping her. 
  

• She can  rummage in the garbage and find leftover ravioli bits to suck on. 
  

• Toilet water tastes pretty good when coming from her princess cup. 
  

• She has found something to be quiet with. 
  

• Has fallen asleep.
  

• She is watching cartoons because Curious George is on, and ironically, he is her favorite cartoon Character. 
  

I better go check it out. 

Two Black Eyes and a Roundabout Kick to the face, please.

I wish I could reach into the internet and  beat the hell out of someone.  I really do.  As a God-fearing Christian, YES. I TOTALLY DO. Some people just need a good punch in the face.  And God knows this, and I think He would be okay with it. 

My sister has just gotten a dose of what Dooce gets most likely everyday, and  at first, I was thinking to myself "Oh, just like Heather Armstrong. " 

Instead of laughing about it and posting remarks making a valid point like Heather, my sister has been hurt by the words  "You are a bad mother" or "You are an idiot". I think she feels threatened enough that she is willing to take her ENTIRE blog down. This is tragic for me. 

1. I have gotten so much closer to my sister through reading her daily blogs. We connect like we haven't connected in the past. 

2. I feel angry that someone has hurt her in a way for her to even consider such an action. 

3. She is a WRITER.  This is her passion and her way of expressing herself through her art.  

I wished I lived closer to my sister.. To hug her, to let her cry on my shoulder, and to look her square in the eye and forcefully tell her to stand up for what is right and blog all she wants. 

Also.. you know, she didn't do anything wrong. AT ALL. But words hurt. Especially when it is about your kids. Maybe I am just more aggressive than her, but I would abuse them right back with a Fist of Words. 

Jerks.

Just go ahead and stick a dagger in my heart.

Jacob got to Chicago! They made it up there pretty fast, actually.. I was impressed.  He had told me that they were in "wicked heavy traffic" and that the city was busy and beautiful. He sent me a picture of the Sears Tower. I talked to him when he got to his hotel and chatted for a while, although, they were pretty exhausted from driving for 10 hours. 

A little later, I called him and he blurted "I CAN'T TALK. I'M DRIVING. I'M TRYING TO FIND HEATHER ARMSTRONG."  I hung up the phone and got really excited, mainly because I LOVE her and would die if I got to be in the same room with her. So witty and brilliant, that lady. 

He called me a while later and I eagerly answered, thinking.... well.. thinking so many things. For instance.. Did he just tell her he "drove all the way from Alabama to Chicago and can you please say hello to my wife who is in love with you?" Instead I heard a defeated "Hey, Honey." Which meant bad things that would later come back to haunt me. He said yes, they did find the bookstore. Yes, she is still here signing books. They are all sold out of books. THEY ARE ALL SOLD OUT OF BOOKS. THEY ARE ALL SOLD OUT OF BOOKS. For REALz. I heard all this chatter and I felt all the mixed emotions of defeat and utter excitement. 

Me: "Well.. Can... you just tell her I said Hello and you drove all that way and I love her?"

Jacob : "no."

Me: " How does she look? Is she all tired and bloated and pregnant-looking??"

Jacob: "uh.. she's putting on a good face."

Me: "Can you just hold up your iPhone and take a PICTURE of her???"

Jacob: "No."

Me: "Well!!  Can you just .."

Jacob: "NO, LAURA. There is a room full of people. There is a long, long line to see her.  It's going to take her another hour just to sign all those people's books."

I felt so close.. yet so far away.  I actually did that little girl squeal when he called me from the hotel. It went something like this "eeeeeeeeeeI'msoexcitedyourinthesamecityasheeeerrrrr!!!".

It's the effort. That is why I love that man. 

Laura, Unhinged.

Dear Internet,

Another Day has passed, and another day has come to that point where I am reflective and all the mindless chatter in my brain becomes loud and obnoxious and I am forced to think about the tasks at hand and myself.   I have been ignoring myself lately.... to the point where doing something seems selfish and wrong. I.. after a nice long talk/cry/whimper session with my sister-in-law,  have come to the realization that I need what is called in the normal world as "breaks". These are things you do for yourself so you won't go crazy. They include simple things such as.... taking a nap... going to a bookstore and mindlessly wandering, going on a date, NOT DOING LAUNDRY.

 I know.. they seem very unreasonable and well, frankly, impossible, but people have reassured me that there is this thing, called "balance", and people do it all the time.  Things have become so blurry to me lately, that I find it difficult to drive or talk or  have real emotions. I have thought that possible I am going through a nervous breakdown of sorts, but my husband has assured me it is what he calls "burn out".  I am learning to laugh and cry and think. There will be a moment, and I will simply burst into tears. Most of the time, I can hold it together, and that is when I am very proud of myself. I think on the outside it looks as if I am very stable and approachable. Most of my friends will glide up to me and start joking with me, meanwhile I am nodding my head and smiling at them, joking back and forth, laughing and giving off the impression that all is fine in my world. They will ask me things like "How is your back?" "How is your family?" "Is everyone well in your family?".   I always respond with a reassuring "We are all mending", or "Fine, thank you!".  

That is not the case. I think lately I have been unraveling.  It is very difficult to think that I need to do something for myself. When I finally do force myself to rest or watch TV or write down my thoughts, I am overwhelmed with guilt. Guilt is pouring over me in waves and I become the Mother that cannot do enough to meet everyones needs. I am trying to learn, and the reason that I am writing it down here, is because I am forced to be reminded of the things I learn.  I know I need to let go, I know I need to relax, I know I cannot be all of the things I wish I could be for everyone. I want to be the Mom is is always there, the wife who is forever loving and kind, the friend with the listening ear and smiling face, the sister with the stories and laughter, the daughter with the heart for her parents.  I am realizing I am putting to much on myself. The pressure becomes unbearable, and then I fall apart. Sometimes the falling apart becomes healing and then growing into a  better person.  So .. that is the season I am in at the moment. I am not the person I am suppose to be. I have become unhinged, and am learning how to be the person that most people know and love to be . . . Laura.
For now, I will give you this..
My new song.

Why ::rubs eyes:: where... where AM I??

Hello Internets. 

I haven't made a post since.. Feb. 20. Why IS that? Well, for starters, Feb. 20th was an amazing night filled with pinata sticks and Brandice and candy and people and the rest was a blur.  

Then there was a busy time filled with cleaning up puke and other bodily excrement from my children, followed by bleaching towels and pillows, followed by getting sick myself, and finally more bleaching and cleaning. 

I have so much to tell you, Internet!! So many pictures and weird weather.  I went berserk  and have been in a fog. I will start a sentence and will stop because I can't remember a word, a simple word,  like..  tarter sauce.  Why can't people just read my mind when I can't say tarter sauce and just know that I NEED SOME TARTAR SAAAAAUUCE!!!

I will say that because of the insanity... it is Saturday, and I haven't watched my shows ALL WEEK.   My Tivo is still holding on to my Heroes (Mon.) The Biggest Loser (Tues.) LOST (Wed.) ALL of my Thursday shows.... So tonight I will lay in bed and watch most of them with my husband. And tomorrow I might update you on some stuff. 

Ta Ta for now. 

Catch you 'tards tomorrow. 

FAIL!!

There was probably a lot of controversy surrounding my marriage to Jacob. First of all, my family had no idea who he was or how absolutely AMAZING a person I chose to marry. But I Knew. He has come to be loved by them, now. Good thing, because he isn't going ANYWHERE. Secondly, there are many other things but I do not feel like typing them out. This morning, our friends Ben and Isaac came by to pick Jacob up for work, and while they were here, They heard what I will call "a little fart" in the marriage.
Jacob was opening the window in our basement because it really is a beautiful day. But he almost knocked over one of my precious pots with seedlings that I have carefully nurtured during the harsh Alabama winter. I said "Jacob if you break that, I will kill you." In which Jacob laughed out loud, because he likes to be harassed by me. HE DOES!! Honest. Then I turned to Ben who was starting to laugh and said "sorry you had to hear that, boys." Ben said "OH, I SEE HOW THIS MARRIAGE WORKS. " Jacob laughed and replied "oh, that was just the pressure valve releasing a little air." And then we all laughed that is was merely a fart in the marriage.

The other day, Anne asked me how old her Daddy was. I told her that Daddy was 34, and this year in May he will be 35. She went on with what she was doing and it wasn't until yesterday that I noticed what she had done. Every little kid draws a picture of their family when they are little. Mommy and Daddy are always enormous, with tall legs. Then the oldest child is next, shorter than Mom and Dad, but always taller than the younger sibling.
Instead of writing out that her Dad is 34, she mistakenly wrote that he is 43. I didn't know I was married to such an old person!! HAHA. He is now 13 years older than me. That is pretty amazing and if my family found out, there would be such gossiping behind my back! Glad they don't know about that "little fart".

Tuesday

I really am this busy. I was going to blog all this stuff I have been saving up for a time, but my life has resembled that of a factory assembly line moving way too fast to accomplish any one task at hand.
Yesterday I was having a bad day. The only good that came out of it was really hearing the good news about my sweet niece getting tests results that were in her favor.
I was going along, plugging away. Even though things seemed to stress me out more as the day was getting older I kept going. That was my clue. I never know when to stop.

I had finally reached the home stretch. I was on my way to pick Jacob up from work, and go home for a nice dinner and relaxing Television. That is when I heard a HOOOOOOOOOOOOONK and then a sudden ::THUD:: . I looked over to see a white van that had come too close to my van and obviously I had my first wreck. I was surprised by not only the wreck but by the sudden action I took in such a mishap. Those that know me would assume that I would either flap my hands around my face uncontrollably, have tears rolling down my face, take on the fetal position, or laugh like a maniac and drive away. Instead, I immediately pulled ahead, got my phone, dialed Jacob's number as I was walking towards to woman behind me, and calmly but pointedly told her how she was clearly in the wrong by pulling out in a place that is not a turn lane, and did she see what that is right there?? NOT a turn lane. Then I told her I would check for damage on my vehicle and come right back. I did all of this before Jacob could say "hello".

Me: "Hey. I'm at the corner of Chisholm and Cox Creek. A lady just hit me. I don't see any damage. I will be late picking you up and will call you back, OKAY?!?!"

Jacob: "whoah, okay.. yeah"

So I go back and tell the visibly shaken woman that there is no damage, and if anything she probably just bumped my mirror. She says she must have hit my tire because she points to all this dark rubber on her white van. She is wiping it away with a baby wipe. It's coming off easily, and for the first time since I stepped out of the car, I relax a little bit. I look around at the rain, the passing cars, how dark it is getting. The other woman is wearing a light grey wraparound knitted jacket. It looks cozy.
Then I look at her window and see the M.O.P.S. sticker on her window. I can only imagine my face, but I say, very slowly.. "are you an Early Arts mom??" She seems even more visibly shaken that I asked her this question, as if Early Arts moms surely aren't making mistakes out here in their super mom vans. She stutters but seems to get out that she is an Early Arts mom and she is head of the MOPS. (Mothers of Pre-Schoolers)
I tell her, as we walk back to my van to check for damage yet again that my children go to Early Arts as well, and open the van door to introduce her to Madeline and Lily. She gets comfortable and tells me that her son Henry is in Lily's class. This is the funny part where I always laugh. My face just froze, and I said "OOHH! HEEENRYY!!! HENRY is the little boy that beats Lily up."

You see, one day Lily came home with a busted chin because HEENRYY pushed her down on the ground. Then a week later, he was swinging a toy around and around in the classroom when Lily just happened to walk by and get smacked in the face by Henry, yet again.

We hugged each other that we were not in a worse accident, and that everything seemed perfect. It was weird that of all the people in Florence driving there that afternoon, we met. The best part was when we were parting and she said "so... Henry hits Lily and I hit you..."

Valentines CD 2009

Every year, I make my sisters a Valentines Cd. It's really for me than for them, mainly because I feel this indescribable urge to make the infamous "mixed tape" or now, in the golden age of technology, the mixed playlist..
This year is a good mix. Maybe it is because I have listened to all of the songs for a year now, or maybe it is because I am going through menopause early. I think I am tearing up to these songs for a different reason. I don't think, I know.
I am a control freak. If things don't go my way, I tend to get angry. I know this and have worked on it, but in the end, I still control my emotions. I have with-held the "healthy cry" for a really long time now. It seems that anything that might tug on an emotion in your heart makes it way out of me in it's dominant push for freedom and expression. I tend to hide the way I feel for most people sake, as to not interfere with their story they want to tell me or the comments they want to make.
Saturday this lady came over to my house, because she wanted to have a play-date with her son and Anne. She really said some things that were quite rude and asked me things that a person meeting another person would NEVER ASK. The things that I replied with and the things going on in my mind were contradictive, at best.

Said: "Well, my birthday is on Feb.26, actually"
Thought : "What the hell? Why do you want to know?"

On the question "are you making lunch?"
Said: "I wasn't planning on making lunch.. uh.. let's see what is in my fridge."
Thought: "Go away Go away Go away you crazy people!!!"

On the question if they could have their son's birthday party at my house. (you read that right)
Said: "Um. Let me ask Jacob"
Thought: "GET THE HELL OUT OF MY HOUSE AND DON'T COME BACK!"

Then she proceeded to tell me that she could decorate my house for the birthday party.
I thought "WHAPWHAPWHAP" to the face.

Why would a person I barely know ask me something so horrid?? I think she knew she crossed a line, but you never know with crazy people.
Anyway, every time I watch a commercial that is NOT supposed to be a tear jerker, I start to cry a little. But just a little. Just enough for one little tear to start to make it out, then I stop all that whining like a little baby and suck it up.
It all comes down where I have a big blowout and then it starts all over again. Woe is the child that gets in my way.

note: Laura is going crazy.

My Mother called me today, while I was picking up my 2nd daughter from school.

She sounded worried and told me to call her back as soon as I heard the message.

I called her back and she said "oh, I don't need you anymore".

She only called me... because she needed me to look up a phone number.

That's all??!



Tonight I am going out with Brandice for some much needed down time with another Lady. There are many reasons why I need this so much.. reasons I will not list on here... But I will say that I just read "Brown Bear, Brown Bear.. What do you see?" For the 18th time today.

Flight of the Conchords.

Sometimes, I pretend that I am their superfan and not Mel.
How weird would that be??
In this clip of the Flight of the Conchords, Bret and Jemaine meet some muggers on the mean city streets. They try to rap and show the muggers how hard-core they are, but they eventually get mugged anyway. It's one of my favorite episodes.
If I met some muggers on the street, I have often imagined what I would do. Sometimes I think about how I would react to certain situations, horrible situations, should they ever occur.
Imagine I hear a noise in the middle of the night in my basement. Now that I have a ninja living in my house, I do not worry about it as much. But suppose I hear a noise in the middle of the night, a crashing of glass... In my mind, I grab the phone and call 911 and then hide in the closet, closing the door veeeeery sloowwwly. Than I whisper to the police that a burglar is in my basement and hurry the hell up. If the burglar catches me before the police show up, however, I act like I have never called the police and could I get him anything?? Jewelry? Cash? a spot of tea? Whatever, because frankly I do not care about any of the possessions I have, only certain things like, pictures and my computer (which I have already hidden under my bed and under my heating pad.) And my computer is only important because of the pictures that are on it.
When the police show up, I act surprised. ("who could THAT be??") It all works out in the end.. in my mind. I never have to wake up my children or husband.

In reality I actually poke Jacob until he wakes up and checks out what that noise was... that he never heard because he worked in a lumber mill and is half-deaf.... and it almost always is our heating system kicking on in the middle of the night.


I hope HBO keeps this show around for many years to come.