12-4

Sitting in your basement at 2:30 in the morning because you can't sleep is never the right way to deal with anger. In my defense, I really don't know what else to do but sit here and cry out to God as to what to do with all the hurt, because I am no longer able to function as a realistic wife/friend/mother/daughter with bottled up emotions. I am able to function in a way that people notice something is wrong, but maybe they can't pinpoint it, or perhaps they just don't know how to awkwardly ask why I am behaving in such a way that would make them notice. 

 

Whatever the reasoning, I still sit here. The light of my computer and the hum of my husbands computer. I wonder how long it will take before I go to bed. I wonder how long my husband will let me sleep it off tomorrow. I wonder how long I will continue to not talk to my Father. I wonder how long it will be before he finally calls. I wonder if I will answer. I wonder if my daughters will wonder why we don't visit them anymore. I am wondering if I will continue to feel this way or if it will subside with time, or if I will get bitter and angrier as time goes by. 

I feel like there is freedom ahead but am unsure how to walk towards it. I can see beautiful things but don't know how to reach out and touch them . This is surely to be a long and painful process.  I hope that my daughters will be able to see a strong woman, a loving mother, who stands guard over them, and not the weak and sobbing lady in her bathrobe in the basement. 

I'll never really know, I suppose. But I do know that I am raising my daughters to be able to talk to me, to be able to say the things they want to say, and I will listen. I will listen with every ounce of energy that I have, because I want it. I will be the grandparent that I see in my friends Larry and Helen. I will call my grandchildren, and I will ask them all about their day, and ask them what they had for lunch and who their friends are at school. I will encourage them in the things they love and I will kiss and hug and support them. I will call them on their birthday and tell them how wonderful and special they are. I will have the desire and drive to be the better grandparent.  I will sit at my kitchen table and have long talks with  my daughters over tea or coffee or whisky.. depends on what they are going through.  I will pat them on their hands with my old withered and worn hands, with love, letting them know that storms pass and better times are ahead.  

There is so much hope for them. They come from very loving parents, who in turn love in each other. We work together, and amuse our children with silly games and stories. We lay in the grass together and look at clouds and birds and stars. We play hide and go seek in our home and always act surprised when we hear giggling  coming from the closet and little faces jump out at us. And although it sounds warm and fuzzy and perfect, no ones family is ..  I am guessing that in the great balance of life, the sadness and heartbreak of my childhood and now adulthood will perhaps bring a greater sense of purpose, and create a loving family environment for my daughters childhood.  I learn from others mistakes. That is why I eloped. That is why I stand up for myself when I need to.. and why I stand back and not get involved in others conflicts. 

I am still learning. 

Hopefully a great big lesson soon will bring forth much wisdom.

Visitors

There commmmminngg. 

My husbands family is coming. 

Tonight. 

Seven of his siblings... one nephew I haven't met, a sister-in-law I have met, and a cousin. 

This makes me .... ____________. 

a. Nervous and shaky.

b. Happy.

c. Crazy.

d. Excited.

e. Laid-back and relaxed. 

????? You Pick.

The cousin will be here for three months... with us. 

I am trying to keep my mind open and not be psycho-Laura.  Because she is NOT pretty. Just ask my old roommate Jaimee. Poor Poor Jaimee. 

HEY JAIMEE! You wanna get me a margarita?

psshhhtt.

At lunch today, Lily and I were sitting at the kitchen table, and she was blowing on my potato soup. She said "HOT, Mommy! HOOOOOTT!!" After I had eaten most of it, I offered her the last bite, and she turned her head in a disgusted way and said "ewww yuucckkyy!!!". 

And I actually felt a little hurt by that. :(

SWIMMY!!!!

A couple of days ago, Jacob went out in the backyard and decided to finish up the garden area. We love love our garden area.  It's down towards the woods and there are muscadine grapes growing on a trellis the length of the garden area. 

On another side there are bamboo plants growing tall.. and on another side, there are wild pink roses growing all over the ground. We planted a good size garden last year. However, the deer thought it was a good garden too, and ate absolutely everything, including the sunflowers. Everything... cucumbers, peas, beans, squash, watermelons, pumpkins, kale, okra, lettuce,  and more.  

This year, Jacob bought fencing and a gate to keep, or at least deter, deer from simply walking up and having a nice dinner. He did a great job and when he was finished putting the fence up, he weed-whacked the whole area.  I was down there when he had finished, when I looked down and saw the cutest little thing. 

A little teeny turtle had somehow survived Jacob's weed whacker, and was crawling out of the rubble. Poor wittle baby turtle.  I took him upstairs and placed him on the girls floor. They all came over and when Lily caught sight of him, she let out an ear piercing scream that I am sure will cause me to get a hearing aid within 5 years.  She must have thought it was a bug, because she reacted accordingly. 

We put him in the tub and then I let Madeline hold him. This was huge for her, because just recently she has discovered Roley Poleys.  One day I picked up Madeline from preschool and her teacher was completely freaked out at how she reacted around bugs. Another teacher had to come and physically remove Madeline from the playground and bring her inside to calm her down. After she realized that roley poleys were fairly calm and simple, she has ventured out to touch other things. 

So, the girls named him "Swimmy", because he was swimming in an inch of water, and my outstretched hand was his little rock to climb up on and look around.  We let him go after about 30 minutes, because  the girls know that animals like that are never happy indoors.  They were very good about all of it. I hope that one day we see Swimmy again. 

:)

sigh...

I didn't show you what else Lily did yesterday. She also found the HIDDEN box of compartmentalized beads of Annes.  She took them all out and mixed them up in a sea of color on my drab carpet. 

Lily....  making the world a more colorful place.. one mess at a time. 

French Fries make Mondays Bearable.

I feel like I haven't slept in days. So this will be a lot of rambling.  The day started out pretty well, with Brown Cow peach yogurt and half a banana.  It quickly spiraled out of control when I went to McDonalds to get Madeline some fries and ended up getting THREE bags of fries instead. Then I reached in and took a few out of Madeline and Lily's so there would be more for me. I ate all my fries with leftover blue cheese dressing from Ricatonis and then ate the remainder of Lily's fries. This is after I ate some Chef Boyardee  Ravioli. 

 I am so ashamed.  :(

Madeline asked me this morning if today was Friday. Fridays are so special because she thinks that she will get French Fries on Friday. I don't really know where this came from, but every once in a while, I will amuse her and get her a small fry.  I told her I had no money and she would have to search around the house to find change for Fries.  So, she came inside and started looking under couch cushions, and in drawers, under beds and on closet floors. She couldn't find any money at first, and she came up to me with shoulders slumped and feet dragging. 

"I CAN'T FIND ANY CHAAAAAANGE!!!"  

Then added " This is difficult and frustrating!" I told her to never give up hope, and to keep looking. I found a couple of quarters in a drawer and gave them to her.  Then she started saying "Never give up hope!" We finally found a good bit of change, and I told her we could go to McDonalds.

 I really NEEDED those fries. 

Lily has been a typical 2 year old monster today. As I type, she is pulling on me and trying to step on me. Now she is getting into Jacob's office chair, and I am not doing a thing about it. BECAUSE I'M TIRED.  First, she peed on my bed. Good morning, Laura!  Then, she demanded that I give her some corn pops. 

She is very particular, this two year old.   

Corn Pops!   Bowl!   No Milk!   Now!   Woman!   

Then when it came time for lunch, I made her some ravioli.  After doing a good job of filling her tummy and smearing ravioli sauce all over her shirt, hair, table, etc... she threw her bowl on the floor. My husband swept and mopped the kitchen floor for me this morning. Because I was about to tear my hair out at all the mess. 

DAMN IT, LILY. 

It got better. After I cleaned that up, she decided to pour  

ALL THE TABLE SALT all over the table. And play in it. 

When I finally changed her, I noticed she was stinky. After I cleaned her up, she looked at the dirty diaper beside her, reached over, grabbed it,  and pulled out a poopy finger. This wasn't my breaking point. I figure I have a few more things to happen today before I break. Those fries helped. 

I was listening to some random radio station while eating my french fries in my kitchen. They were talking about eating for your blood type. I was intrigued but my children decided that letting Mom listen to the radio was stupid and found something else to get into so I would have to stop what I was doing and yell at them. I wondered if my blood type called for french fries and blue cheese dressing from Ricatonis. 

It MIGHT.  YOU don't know. 

Lily is being quiet. This could mean a few things:

• She has reached into the fridge and gotten the chocolate syrup out, and is making a chocolate pie on the white couch. 
  

• She has realized that she can pull out all the stuffing from the computer chair upstairs and no one is stopping her. 
  

• She can  rummage in the garbage and find leftover ravioli bits to suck on. 
  

• Toilet water tastes pretty good when coming from her princess cup. 
  

• She has found something to be quiet with. 
  

• Has fallen asleep.
  

• She is watching cartoons because Curious George is on, and ironically, he is her favorite cartoon Character. 
  

I better go check it out. 

Conversations : Anne and Madeline.

Last Friday, I was feeling very emotional. I was contemplating God , His omnipotent Grace and Love. A little girl was being born that day, but was sure to be born stillborn. It brought so many feelings of hope, doubt, faith, love and confusion. The little girls name was Elizabeth Ann, and she was born at Helen Keller Hospital. The same place where my Anne Elizabeth was born 7 years ago. I couldn't help but think about this couple, and how lucky I am to have this beautiful girl, so healthy and wonderful. I wondered, why God allows this to happen, but also understanding His graciousness and blessings. It rained all day that day, on and off. Every time I looked away from something, it seemed like I would burst into tears. "Hello Bank Teller!! Have a wonderful weekend!!" Then as I pulled away from the bank, my face would collapse into sobs again.  I was mimicking the clouds. It would rain for five minutes, then clear up and be sunny, and back and forth. 

Madeline was really watching the sky that day, mainly because it is the first Thunderstorm of the year, and really the first Thunderstorm we have had in a long time. I love thunderstorms so much, and I am figuring that maybe Madeline will follow in my footsteps by marveling in natures emotions. 

Madeline and Anne were sitting at the dinner table and we were talking. Madeline said "I think Jesus is crying. I think He makes the thunder. Jesus lives in the CLOUDS!!"

Anne: "No He doesn't!!"

Me: "Yes he does!! If he can live in our hearts, he can live anywhere. "

Madeline: "Jesus lives in our BODIES." (rubs hands from her neck down her tummy)

Anne: "Jesus is even in this room!!"

Madeline: (looks up and waves) "HIIII JESUS!!!"

Madeline and Anne erupt in laughter, filling the kitchen with little girl giggles. 

Madeline: "I LOVE Jesus. I love him so much, that when I see him, I'm gonna give him kisses and hugs! I'm gonna kiss him to death!!     

But.... I'll be dead. "

Then I erupt in laughter.  That kid. She is pretty smart, but a different kind of smart than Anne. She seems to understand things that Anne doesn't. I've noticed several times when Madeline has understood something waaay before Anne did. 

Today is Madeline's birthday!! She is 5 and believes that she is almost a teenager. SO BIG.  I remember when she was born. The daffodils were blooming and the cherry trees than lined the hospital grounds were blossoming with beautiful pink blooms. She was born underwater, and it was the most beautiful and easiest birth I had. I felt so blessed to add another sweet girl to my family. Tomorrow is Jacob's birthday, and I have no idea what we are going to do. 

Maybe I should ask Madeline.....

Conversations : Jacob and Lily.

Tonight, I made the girls go downstairs and pick up the 67 pieces of chalk that lay scattered on the floor. Yesterday I picked up Lily a little too quickly and my back has been out ever since. This means everyone else picks up their OWN messes and Mama is off the hook for a few days.  This also means Mama is going to take the advantage and find things for other people in this house to do.  Leading to a bit of guilt. I told the girls if they pick all the chalk, then I would give everyone some ice cream afterwards.  You should have seen how fast it all got picked up. 

Upstairs, the girls wanted to sing "Happy Birthday" to Madeline, because she will turn 5 on Wednesday, and this has caused quite a stir in our home. Just thinking of artificial sweeteners and spongy cake goodness causes them to shake with drooling anticipation. After singing to her TWICE... Once when the ice cream came on the table, a second time with a candle "with fire on it" in her ice cream, I walked away. Lily and her little butt got down from the table, and walked into the living room where Jacob and I were talking.  The sweet little grin and bouncy curls looked at us ... waiting.  She knew. 

Jacob: "LILY! Put that bowl back in the kitchen!"

Lily: "no." ::grinning::

Jacob: "yes!"

Lily: "no! "   :: smiling::

Jacob: "Do you want a spanking?"

Lily:  "no?   YES!!"

Jacob: "OOONE..... TWOOOO....."

Lily: "THREEEE!!" ::giggles and runs away::

This is why Jacob is going to have a much much harder time than me when they become teenagers. I will threaten them within an inch of their life. And then I will make them believe it.