Little Girl/For Sale/ Going CHEAP.

I will not hurt my kids. I will not hurt my kids. I will not yell at them. I will not yell. I will not scrunch up my face and glare at them. I will not slam my door. I will not stomp off and cry.

Lately Lily and Madeline have been a handful .. no.. a SHOVEL full. A Tractor trailer full. They are amazingly bad. But I refuse to say that Lily is in her "Terrible Twos". I've always tried to be more positive and say the Wonderful Ones, the Terrific Twos, the Thunderous Threes, the Fabulous Fours, Fantastic Fives, and so on. Anne really loves it when I am this positive, but lately it has been hard to be so positive. From pulling up a chair to get magic markers on the counter, or dumping lasagna noodles on the kitchen floor, or whatever... Lily is into everything all the time.

This morning, I had to go to a meeting. I had pictures on the dining room table sorted out from our New England vacation to give to different grandparents. There must have been seven different piles for friends and siblings. When I returned, Jacob was in the kitchen doing dishes and Lily had dumped all the pictures I had sorted out onto the floor. Then she took the salt and pepper shakers and dumped it all over the table. People.. This is ONE thing that she did today. Can I mention the pooping in her panties, unraveling my yarn, painting her nails with fingernail polish, getting handfuls of pringles from the kitchen, opening all the umbrellas and placing them in rooms, still open...

It is 2:40 in the afternoon. That is it. There is still so many hours left in the day to do mischief. So. Many. More. Hours.

I feel like I have been the disciplinarian in our home from the beginning. Jacob is very very patient and very calm and often does not hear what the kids are yelling at each other. Often I will be the one to break up fights or turn the water off or stop the banging. It just doesn't register with him, probably because he was the oldest of so many children in his family and quickly learned how to mentally tune noise out. He goes into his little world and I am left with three screaming children and a mound of Barbie heads.

So.. what do I do? I can't really get Jacob out of his world easily and I cannot keep Lily on a leash. Well, I could, but then all my friends would call me a 'child abuser'. I refuse that sort of ridicule so instead I am struggling to keep my dishes intact. Any time there is a quiet spell, I am immediately tuned into finding Lily. This morning, I found her in our bathroom rummaging through our drawers. She then went into the hallway and marked on the walls. Even though she gets into trouble, she keeps repeating the same acts of disobedience. Sometimes she gets spanked, but I try to just either sit her in time out or tell her "NO! That is NOT the right thing to do." She seems to understand that and will say "okaaay. I sorrrry!"

Maybe she is not getting enough interactive play, whatever it is, I have got to figure it out soon so I will not run away and join Barnum and Bailey Circus. I think there is less face paint and jumping through hoops with them.

You know Jacob has had enough when...

I called Brandice today and told her how grumpy my husband was today, and how I thought it was so out-of-the-ordinary because WE WIVES are supposed to be the grumpy ones!! We are the ones running after that wild-eyed two year old with a magic marker in her little hand, while she makes a streak of black along the hallway wall. All the while I am screaming "get back here!" and she is laughing hysterically.  Oh, Motherhood.. you tricky tricky thing. You show me this beautiful helpless babe who needs me for sustenance and life, and then it grows to be a marker-loving-2-year-old devil who likes to kick you in the face while wiggling in your bed at 3 a.m.

So Jacob woke up grumpy. Maybe it was the fact that before we even got out of bed this morning, Lily had woken up, found my make-up bag, unzipped it, found the mascara and clutching it in her little hands, had made a beautiful black drawing on her bedroom floor carpet.   and her legs.   and her face.   and my make-up bag. 

It is times like this that I treasure the most.. the Jacob-being-grumpy part.  He is so funny when he is grumpy.  I asked him to help me make dinner in the kitchen, which tonight consists of cutting up a bunch of fresh vegetables from the garden to make a chicken vegetable stew.  The girls had come running through, with an elaborate play they made up starring Lily as Strawberry Shortcake, Anne as her dog Pupcake, and Madeline as her cat Custard.  I riled them up by announcing that today was National Chocolate Milk day, and "who wants some??".  

After giving them their drinks and all the jumping and shouting on their part, Jacob ushered them back into their bedroom, put a Strawberry Shortcake movie on for them,  and warned them not to leave the room.  I didn't know this until I took a break from making dinner to go back there and check on them. 

They were all sitting there, playing out the parts, and I sat down and gave Lily a big hug. Anne looked at me and said, in a sort-of shy tone : "Daddy said if we set one toe out of this room, he was going to put us in the basement and make us starve. " In which Anne and I busted out laughing... how ridiculous is that?   Please!!   If we put them anywhere, they would find a way out. They would eat through the walls, these kids of mine. They are tough and mean and have sharp metal teeth.  And Jacob has the biggest heart of gold. He can't even bring himself  to spank those girls, or put them in the corner. 

I just heard him leave the kitchen, grab a girl in the hallway and growl "RRRAAAAWWWRRR!!! I'M AN OGRE!!!" and I know that hearing all the girls screaming secretly made him happy. 

Visitors

There commmmminngg. 

My husbands family is coming. 

Tonight. 

Seven of his siblings... one nephew I haven't met, a sister-in-law I have met, and a cousin. 

This makes me .... ____________. 

a. Nervous and shaky.

b. Happy.

c. Crazy.

d. Excited.

e. Laid-back and relaxed. 

????? You Pick.

The cousin will be here for three months... with us. 

I am trying to keep my mind open and not be psycho-Laura.  Because she is NOT pretty. Just ask my old roommate Jaimee. Poor Poor Jaimee. 

HEY JAIMEE! You wanna get me a margarita?

sigh...

I didn't show you what else Lily did yesterday. She also found the HIDDEN box of compartmentalized beads of Annes.  She took them all out and mixed them up in a sea of color on my drab carpet. 

Lily....  making the world a more colorful place.. one mess at a time. 

French Fries make Mondays Bearable.

I feel like I haven't slept in days. So this will be a lot of rambling.  The day started out pretty well, with Brown Cow peach yogurt and half a banana.  It quickly spiraled out of control when I went to McDonalds to get Madeline some fries and ended up getting THREE bags of fries instead. Then I reached in and took a few out of Madeline and Lily's so there would be more for me. I ate all my fries with leftover blue cheese dressing from Ricatonis and then ate the remainder of Lily's fries. This is after I ate some Chef Boyardee  Ravioli. 

 I am so ashamed.  :(

Madeline asked me this morning if today was Friday. Fridays are so special because she thinks that she will get French Fries on Friday. I don't really know where this came from, but every once in a while, I will amuse her and get her a small fry.  I told her I had no money and she would have to search around the house to find change for Fries.  So, she came inside and started looking under couch cushions, and in drawers, under beds and on closet floors. She couldn't find any money at first, and she came up to me with shoulders slumped and feet dragging. 

"I CAN'T FIND ANY CHAAAAAANGE!!!"  

Then added " This is difficult and frustrating!" I told her to never give up hope, and to keep looking. I found a couple of quarters in a drawer and gave them to her.  Then she started saying "Never give up hope!" We finally found a good bit of change, and I told her we could go to McDonalds.

 I really NEEDED those fries. 

Lily has been a typical 2 year old monster today. As I type, she is pulling on me and trying to step on me. Now she is getting into Jacob's office chair, and I am not doing a thing about it. BECAUSE I'M TIRED.  First, she peed on my bed. Good morning, Laura!  Then, she demanded that I give her some corn pops. 

She is very particular, this two year old.   

Corn Pops!   Bowl!   No Milk!   Now!   Woman!   

Then when it came time for lunch, I made her some ravioli.  After doing a good job of filling her tummy and smearing ravioli sauce all over her shirt, hair, table, etc... she threw her bowl on the floor. My husband swept and mopped the kitchen floor for me this morning. Because I was about to tear my hair out at all the mess. 

DAMN IT, LILY. 

It got better. After I cleaned that up, she decided to pour  

ALL THE TABLE SALT all over the table. And play in it. 

When I finally changed her, I noticed she was stinky. After I cleaned her up, she looked at the dirty diaper beside her, reached over, grabbed it,  and pulled out a poopy finger. This wasn't my breaking point. I figure I have a few more things to happen today before I break. Those fries helped. 

I was listening to some random radio station while eating my french fries in my kitchen. They were talking about eating for your blood type. I was intrigued but my children decided that letting Mom listen to the radio was stupid and found something else to get into so I would have to stop what I was doing and yell at them. I wondered if my blood type called for french fries and blue cheese dressing from Ricatonis. 

It MIGHT.  YOU don't know. 

Lily is being quiet. This could mean a few things:

• She has reached into the fridge and gotten the chocolate syrup out, and is making a chocolate pie on the white couch. 
  

• She has realized that she can pull out all the stuffing from the computer chair upstairs and no one is stopping her. 
  

• She can  rummage in the garbage and find leftover ravioli bits to suck on. 
  

• Toilet water tastes pretty good when coming from her princess cup. 
  

• She has found something to be quiet with. 
  

• Has fallen asleep.
  

• She is watching cartoons because Curious George is on, and ironically, he is her favorite cartoon Character. 
  

I better go check it out. 

Conversations : Jacob and Lily.

Tonight, I made the girls go downstairs and pick up the 67 pieces of chalk that lay scattered on the floor. Yesterday I picked up Lily a little too quickly and my back has been out ever since. This means everyone else picks up their OWN messes and Mama is off the hook for a few days.  This also means Mama is going to take the advantage and find things for other people in this house to do.  Leading to a bit of guilt. I told the girls if they pick all the chalk, then I would give everyone some ice cream afterwards.  You should have seen how fast it all got picked up. 

Upstairs, the girls wanted to sing "Happy Birthday" to Madeline, because she will turn 5 on Wednesday, and this has caused quite a stir in our home. Just thinking of artificial sweeteners and spongy cake goodness causes them to shake with drooling anticipation. After singing to her TWICE... Once when the ice cream came on the table, a second time with a candle "with fire on it" in her ice cream, I walked away. Lily and her little butt got down from the table, and walked into the living room where Jacob and I were talking.  The sweet little grin and bouncy curls looked at us ... waiting.  She knew. 

Jacob: "LILY! Put that bowl back in the kitchen!"

Lily: "no." ::grinning::

Jacob: "yes!"

Lily: "no! "   :: smiling::

Jacob: "Do you want a spanking?"

Lily:  "no?   YES!!"

Jacob: "OOONE..... TWOOOO....."

Lily: "THREEEE!!" ::giggles and runs away::

This is why Jacob is going to have a much much harder time than me when they become teenagers. I will threaten them within an inch of their life. And then I will make them believe it.  

I'm Very Angry.

Dear Internet,

I do not, in the least, believe that I might be able to understand my husband. First, I need to get things straight that we have the most loving of relationships. We get along, we are totally in love with each other, and compliment each other, We Are Very Happy. 

However, (you know that when I throw out the 'however', it means I am probably angered and need to get something off my chest) HOWEVER HOWEVER HOWEVER , my husband drives me beserk. This is the same man who once forgot to tell me MY MOTHER WAS IN THE HOSPITAL. Not until she called and said in a most annoyed tone "HI! I AM JUST FIIIIINE!" I just sort of rolled my eyes to imagine the drama that was going to come out of her mouth. I said "uh.. okay. " And then she said "Did Jacob not tell you I called and told him I was in the hospital??" 

"JAAAAACOOOOOOB!!!!!"

Yeah!! It happened. Are we exchanging internet glances with raised eyebrows at each other?? Because that is how I felt. 

 He did it again.  Today he was going to the hospital early to be sedated and then have an endoscopy in his throat. I was nervous but kept myself busy as today is a very busy day because I cook for my church on Wednesday nights, and all the girls are going to school.  Aaron, our friend, went with him and stayed there to make sure everything went well, since I had to get the girls ready and take them to school, and then start cooking. I called Aaron around 10 to see if I needed to pick him up at the hospital and bring him home to rest a while, because they weren't going to let him leave until he could walk around by himself.  Aaron said they were actually on the way to work even though Jacob was still groggy and could walk around some. He is incredibly stubborn about work. 

Then I call Jacob at 3 (since I haven't heard from him) and ask him how he is feeling and how did it go this morning.  He tells me he went to work only to lay down and rest, and then I pull miniscule bits of information out of him BECAUSE HE CANNOT JUST TELL ME.  I ask him when does he go to the doctor to find out what they found during the endoscopy... and he says so nonchalantly "oh they already found it, oh and they fixed it, too" Finally, I get angry and tell him that people are going to ask me how he is doing and can he please tell me what happened today?? You know, because I am his WIFE.  And I should KNOW these things. I imagine myself sitting there tonight at church, and everyone I asked to pray for Jacob today saying "So, Laura, how did it go today at the hospital??" and I would just look at them blankly and say "uhdunno".  And look like a total dumbass.  I tell Jacob everything. I would have called him and told him if I had a procedure done at the hospital and what it was and everything. So... Am I just the only one to think that is retarded of him?   I am going to wait for my sister Beth or my friend Sara to tell me a movie where someone is totally brilliant and has a magic brain , yet cannot communicate with people on a social level. What? What movie is that?  BECAUSE JACOB SHOULD BE MADE INTO A MOVIE. Totally awesome Dad, and Husband.. yet.  total retard sometimes. 

Jacob's endoscopy revealed that there was a constriction in his throat. They went inside with a balloon to inflate the constriction, and how it is fixed. That is all he would tell me.  :(

Love, 

Laura

Laura, Unhinged.

Dear Internet,

Another Day has passed, and another day has come to that point where I am reflective and all the mindless chatter in my brain becomes loud and obnoxious and I am forced to think about the tasks at hand and myself.   I have been ignoring myself lately.... to the point where doing something seems selfish and wrong. I.. after a nice long talk/cry/whimper session with my sister-in-law,  have come to the realization that I need what is called in the normal world as "breaks". These are things you do for yourself so you won't go crazy. They include simple things such as.... taking a nap... going to a bookstore and mindlessly wandering, going on a date, NOT DOING LAUNDRY.

 I know.. they seem very unreasonable and well, frankly, impossible, but people have reassured me that there is this thing, called "balance", and people do it all the time.  Things have become so blurry to me lately, that I find it difficult to drive or talk or  have real emotions. I have thought that possible I am going through a nervous breakdown of sorts, but my husband has assured me it is what he calls "burn out".  I am learning to laugh and cry and think. There will be a moment, and I will simply burst into tears. Most of the time, I can hold it together, and that is when I am very proud of myself. I think on the outside it looks as if I am very stable and approachable. Most of my friends will glide up to me and start joking with me, meanwhile I am nodding my head and smiling at them, joking back and forth, laughing and giving off the impression that all is fine in my world. They will ask me things like "How is your back?" "How is your family?" "Is everyone well in your family?".   I always respond with a reassuring "We are all mending", or "Fine, thank you!".  

That is not the case. I think lately I have been unraveling.  It is very difficult to think that I need to do something for myself. When I finally do force myself to rest or watch TV or write down my thoughts, I am overwhelmed with guilt. Guilt is pouring over me in waves and I become the Mother that cannot do enough to meet everyones needs. I am trying to learn, and the reason that I am writing it down here, is because I am forced to be reminded of the things I learn.  I know I need to let go, I know I need to relax, I know I cannot be all of the things I wish I could be for everyone. I want to be the Mom is is always there, the wife who is forever loving and kind, the friend with the listening ear and smiling face, the sister with the stories and laughter, the daughter with the heart for her parents.  I am realizing I am putting to much on myself. The pressure becomes unbearable, and then I fall apart. Sometimes the falling apart becomes healing and then growing into a  better person.  So .. that is the season I am in at the moment. I am not the person I am suppose to be. I have become unhinged, and am learning how to be the person that most people know and love to be . . . Laura.
For now, I will give you this..
My new song.

Why ::rubs eyes:: where... where AM I??

Hello Internets. 

I haven't made a post since.. Feb. 20. Why IS that? Well, for starters, Feb. 20th was an amazing night filled with pinata sticks and Brandice and candy and people and the rest was a blur.  

Then there was a busy time filled with cleaning up puke and other bodily excrement from my children, followed by bleaching towels and pillows, followed by getting sick myself, and finally more bleaching and cleaning. 

I have so much to tell you, Internet!! So many pictures and weird weather.  I went berserk  and have been in a fog. I will start a sentence and will stop because I can't remember a word, a simple word,  like..  tarter sauce.  Why can't people just read my mind when I can't say tarter sauce and just know that I NEED SOME TARTAR SAAAAAUUCE!!!

I will say that because of the insanity... it is Saturday, and I haven't watched my shows ALL WEEK.   My Tivo is still holding on to my Heroes (Mon.) The Biggest Loser (Tues.) LOST (Wed.) ALL of my Thursday shows.... So tonight I will lay in bed and watch most of them with my husband. And tomorrow I might update you on some stuff. 

Ta Ta for now. 

Catch you 'tards tomorrow. 

Valentines CD 2009

Every year, I make my sisters a Valentines Cd. It's really for me than for them, mainly because I feel this indescribable urge to make the infamous "mixed tape" or now, in the golden age of technology, the mixed playlist..
This year is a good mix. Maybe it is because I have listened to all of the songs for a year now, or maybe it is because I am going through menopause early. I think I am tearing up to these songs for a different reason. I don't think, I know.
I am a control freak. If things don't go my way, I tend to get angry. I know this and have worked on it, but in the end, I still control my emotions. I have with-held the "healthy cry" for a really long time now. It seems that anything that might tug on an emotion in your heart makes it way out of me in it's dominant push for freedom and expression. I tend to hide the way I feel for most people sake, as to not interfere with their story they want to tell me or the comments they want to make.
Saturday this lady came over to my house, because she wanted to have a play-date with her son and Anne. She really said some things that were quite rude and asked me things that a person meeting another person would NEVER ASK. The things that I replied with and the things going on in my mind were contradictive, at best.

Said: "Well, my birthday is on Feb.26, actually"
Thought : "What the hell? Why do you want to know?"

On the question "are you making lunch?"
Said: "I wasn't planning on making lunch.. uh.. let's see what is in my fridge."
Thought: "Go away Go away Go away you crazy people!!!"

On the question if they could have their son's birthday party at my house. (you read that right)
Said: "Um. Let me ask Jacob"
Thought: "GET THE HELL OUT OF MY HOUSE AND DON'T COME BACK!"

Then she proceeded to tell me that she could decorate my house for the birthday party.
I thought "WHAPWHAPWHAP" to the face.

Why would a person I barely know ask me something so horrid?? I think she knew she crossed a line, but you never know with crazy people.
Anyway, every time I watch a commercial that is NOT supposed to be a tear jerker, I start to cry a little. But just a little. Just enough for one little tear to start to make it out, then I stop all that whining like a little baby and suck it up.
It all comes down where I have a big blowout and then it starts all over again. Woe is the child that gets in my way.

note: Laura is going crazy.

My Mother called me today, while I was picking up my 2nd daughter from school.

She sounded worried and told me to call her back as soon as I heard the message.

I called her back and she said "oh, I don't need you anymore".

She only called me... because she needed me to look up a phone number.

That's all??!



Tonight I am going out with Brandice for some much needed down time with another Lady. There are many reasons why I need this so much.. reasons I will not list on here... But I will say that I just read "Brown Bear, Brown Bear.. What do you see?" For the 18th time today.

I live in a scary, nice, and most of the time, quiet neighborhood.

There have been many times in my life when I have tried to tell you something, and you didn't believe me. I don't know why you didn't believe me, because Lord knows I want to be taken seriously. I desperately want be seen as an open, honest and trustworthy person.  One day Brandice was over at my house, and I opened the door, screamed, and yelled that a snake just fell on my head. Brandice did her "siiighh" and then announced that, no, a snake most certainly Did Not just fall on my head.  

Until I showed her the snake. 

I don't know how that little bastard got up there in the door frame, but it did. And it had sinister thoughts at how it would get up the nerve the next time Laura opened the door and jump on her. OKAY, now I get it... you don't believe me because I have a wild imagination, yes I DO! Guilty.   But I am most certainly honest. 

I tried to tell some people not too long ago how my neighbors must have some conspiracy against me. We put the Obama/Biden sign in our yard, and the next thing I know, they were showing off their guns, IN THEIR FRONT YARD.  Maybe it was the Obama-anti-gun-craze that sent thousands of rednecks to buy AK 47 assault rifles at the local pawn shops, or maybe it was just coincidence. One day I came home to find my neighbor across the street showing off his shotgun.  To Me.  The person who could care less about guns. I don't even know what gun-names are. That is how STUPID I am about guns. I know the long ones are shot guns, okay? and the short ones.. they... they are pistols.  or.. handguns.. whatever. 

Then a few days later... Jacob and I were enjoying the morning in our bright, sunny kitchen when we heard a loud BANG. I ran to the window and saw our two neighbors next-door shooting their.. rifle at a woodpecker.    

That's right.

     

 A WOODPECKER.   

With a SHOTGUN.      

BY OUR HOUSE. 

See they have a wood siding house, and the woodpeckers will come and peck holes in the side of their home. Some of the holes are rather large. They actually killed that woodpecker that day. 

A few days later, I looked at the window and saw them again. We live in the CITY LIMITS. We live "downtown".  Lady was walking in the middle of the street looking for that woodpecker just to show his face.  That woodpecker best find somewhere else to peck.    

Please Mr. woodpecker.  

For all of those skeptics.. doubters.. I got something for you.. PROOF. 

Keep your murderous rage in check.

This Christmas has been the most stressful Christmas in  FOREVER. From Thanksgiving, to what will be New Years, we have been sick at my house. First, getting the stomach flu (which no one else got thankyouGod) then Lily getting the croup, Madeline getting an ear infection, and now on the heels of that, Anne is very sick. 

I am not sure what she is suffering from, but she has a temperature over 102 almost every night three nights in a row and her throat hurts. We have been babying her and giving her lots of whole foods and drinks to ease it, but she is still sick. 

This just in.. Lily now has a fever...

Not being able to really go out and buy gifts, I have been making many gifts this year. I crocheted little hats for my nieces, made pillows and bows and cross-stitched. It reminded me of this web-site that I used to visit to laugh for a while whenever I was down.

 It's called Subversive cross-stitch, and it was born from a woman named Julie Jackson. She was trying to quit smoking and her mother bought her a cross-stitch book to keep her mind busy away from how angry she was at the world.  I used to smoke some when I was a teenager, and I have to admit, I understand where she is coming from. Addictions to anything can make you a cranky loser to be around. I think there have been times when I was denied eating salad for a few days and it wasn't a pretty picture of a loving wife and mother. Jacob might say "horrible fire-breathing beast" but he isn't the one writing this, is he?!?

Subversive Cross stitch might say all the things you want to say to people, but don't have to. I have to say, it is much more therapeutic to cross-stitch these thoughts out then to say them. And afterwards, you have a comical dish towel to display when douche-y friends come over. 

I can think of some more things to cross-stitch but I don't really feel like typing them out on here. 

Maybe I'll just start cross-stitching them out......

xoxoxo,

Laura