Happy New Year, Internet!

This is the last day of the year. 

The day when we get all dressed up, buy a bottle of champagne and go somewhere to celebrate the New Year. 

Well, at least that is what MOST people do. 

Last year, we had a nice party here at our house.  We played party games, had delicious food and laughed hysterically at other 

peoples New Years Resolutions. 

This year, we are taking down Christmas decorations and getting ready for family that is visiting in about a week from Vermont. I feel like the biggest bozo for not getting a babysitter or at least doing something for my friends here at the house like last year. There just seems to be so much to do and so little time to get it done. 

And since all the kids have been sick for so long, I want to keep them in. 

They all have ear infections, 

and are all on anti-biotics. 

So to all of you out there with your black sparkly cocktail dresses and hairspray and fancy shirts... Happy New Year to you!  And to all of those Ladies like me... who are in their jammies and have their hair up in a ponytail and are surrounded by clean laundry that needs to be folded... Here's a glass to you.. may your laundry get folded, may your children sleep all night.. and may all your dust bunnies flee.

Happy New Year. 

Keep your murderous rage in check.

This Christmas has been the most stressful Christmas in  FOREVER. From Thanksgiving, to what will be New Years, we have been sick at my house. First, getting the stomach flu (which no one else got thankyouGod) then Lily getting the croup, Madeline getting an ear infection, and now on the heels of that, Anne is very sick. 

I am not sure what she is suffering from, but she has a temperature over 102 almost every night three nights in a row and her throat hurts. We have been babying her and giving her lots of whole foods and drinks to ease it, but she is still sick. 

This just in.. Lily now has a fever...

Not being able to really go out and buy gifts, I have been making many gifts this year. I crocheted little hats for my nieces, made pillows and bows and cross-stitched. It reminded me of this web-site that I used to visit to laugh for a while whenever I was down.

 It's called Subversive cross-stitch, and it was born from a woman named Julie Jackson. She was trying to quit smoking and her mother bought her a cross-stitch book to keep her mind busy away from how angry she was at the world.  I used to smoke some when I was a teenager, and I have to admit, I understand where she is coming from. Addictions to anything can make you a cranky loser to be around. I think there have been times when I was denied eating salad for a few days and it wasn't a pretty picture of a loving wife and mother. Jacob might say "horrible fire-breathing beast" but he isn't the one writing this, is he?!?

Subversive Cross stitch might say all the things you want to say to people, but don't have to. I have to say, it is much more therapeutic to cross-stitch these thoughts out then to say them. And afterwards, you have a comical dish towel to display when douche-y friends come over. 

I can think of some more things to cross-stitch but I don't really feel like typing them out on here. 

Maybe I'll just start cross-stitching them out......

xoxoxo,

Laura

Well, Obviously.

This is the douche-iest message ever left. 

I was going to write a long commentary on what I thought about it, 

but... there just aren't words. 

You might as well get ready to share this one. 

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I wonder what's on the Inside.

Dear Lord Jesus,

Please don't let Jacob ever see anything resembling a cake like this,

 or I will be forced to make him one for his birthday in May.   

Or for Christmas.   

Or for our Anniversary.   

Or any given Friday night. 

Yours Truly,

Laura

 

Overheard this morning while the girls were eating breakfast:

Madeline: Momma! I wanna get a doggie for Christmas just like Charlie Brown!!!

Anne: You want a beagle?????

Annie, Get your Gun.

Anne had a boyfriend last year in Kindergarten , named Jasper. It was weird for us, because I didn't realize that boys and girls liked each other until they were much,  MUCH older. But, she really liked Jasper, and they would talk and eat snack together or whatever, and then, before Jasper could recite his spelling words, Anne had a NEW boyfriend. Trey. This was always said in a dreamy, drawn out way so it was more like "Trrrreeeeyyyy." I have to admit, this kid was adorable. He had pretty awesome parents, too. I wish everyone that knows Jacob could have seen his face when Anne told him she had a boyfriend. You could have told him that Vermont just fell into the ocean and sank to the bottom. It was hilarious.  His eyebrows shot up and you could see new wrinkles forming on his forehead.. 

So now Anne is in first grade and has a more normal relationship with her classmates. No talk of boyfriends or anything, which I am sure puts Jacob's mind at rest. The other day, however, she told me that she saw Jasper out in the hallway and that "he looked GREEEAAT. " So I was trying to act all cool-mom-like making dinner and asked her how come she thought he looked so GREEEAAT.   She replied that he had on a nice sweater, and his hair looked real nice, and he had on gorgeous jeans. That is when I stopped making dinner and swung my head around to see her jabbering away, like nothing was wrong... but something had to be wrong because I just had a stroke and I couldn't feel my face. "Gorgeous jeans??" I asked.  

Oh I heard her correctly alright. Gorgeous jeans. 

We don't really think much of guns, but I can see Jacob getting one in the future. Not to use, we wouldn't buy bullets, but, he will probably want one around to show all the guys that want to come over to our house and show off their jeans. 

I probably won't ever want to eat Spinach Dip again. Sorry, B.

Last night I was having another strange dream. Let's face it. ALL of my dreams are super messed up. They are never of me running in a field of flowers and anything nice. My dreams are all directed by Stanley Kubrick  on an acid trip so hold on to your seats because you will probably throw up. I am amazed that things that go on inside my head can be there and I can still function as a prosperous citizen of my community. 

Last night, I was dreaming that I was in someone's garage, getting a bowl full of Spinach dip and chips.  The garage door was open and my good friend Justin Timberlake had just left.. into the darkness of the evening. I turned and saw a large black figure coming towards me. I noticed right away that it was one of those great big wolf-coyotes that will tear your limbs off and eat you alive.  We were in Arizona, by the way, and I am guessing that deep down, I think there is an abundance of flesh-eating coyotes in Arizona.

So I tried to get back into the house with my spinach dip real fast before that coyote came through the open garage door, but I soon realized that I was a really really obese lady and I couldn't fit though the door. Oh, and there was music playing... that music that I hear in my dreams and I can hear all the instruments but I could never re-create because I can't play music. 

So I woke up. I looked over and it was 5:45, and in a little while the alarm was going to go off. I was still thinking of the dream when the alarm went off and I heard Annie Lenox singing "sweet dreams are made of these.. who am IIIII to disaaaaagree-hee. " 

So I've been trying to figure out my dream, but most of the time, figuring out my dream is like chasing a leaf in the wind ---- pointless. But I did realize a few things...

1. I really do like Justin Timberlake. Or maybe I just want him to leave. 

2. I am scared that my in-laws will think I am fat. 

3. Why didn't I just close the garage door?? If I saw that in a movie, I would be screaming at the screen for the dumb blonde to throw her spinach dip at the coyote and close the door. At least it would have bought her a little time. 

4. I have many many scary dreams about someone trying to get me/chase me/ kill me and I will always run for a door and can't close the door, like the door is too small for the door frame and a big space is around the door itself and it won't latch. 

5. I will never cease to have music in my dreams. 

I think tonight will be one of those nights where I just take a tylenol p.m.  and leave Stanley Kubrick for someone else's dream.

:)

The Worst way to Lose 8 pounds.

Is by having the stomach Flu. 

That will MESS. YOU. UP.  

Benstedman called me a while ago and started asking me all these questions about the stomach flu. I didn't have the heart to tell him that I was hoping this one last nap will help me get over it and he just interrupted it after only 15 minutes of me falling asleep. 

I also didn't tell him that the only way I could sleep the past three nights was if I took a Tylenol PM to knock me out. Then the pain wakes me up again at 3 a.m. where I toss and turn until I finally get some more tylenol in the morning when my superman husband gets it for me. Jacob really has been a trooper. He held me when I threw up, got me those little wet washcloths, helped me back in bed... got his brother to bring me gingerale.  

I remember the last time the Stomach flu went through our house. It was 2005, and it was when we lived in Vermont. All I remember is Anne dry heaving and poor itty bitty Madeline living in our bath tub. She didn't want to get out. Just lay in the bath tub and moan. 

It was the saddest thing ever.

Thankfully, this time it seems to have only hit me. But it hit me hard. 

"I haven't been this sick since 2003!!", I thought to myself. That was when I was pregnant with Madeline and I thought Jacob and I were going to die. We packed a little bag of things for Anne, crawled back in bed, called Caleb, and went to sleep. A little while later we heard Caleb come in and get Anne and take her to Jacob's parents for a few days. 

I hope everyone gets well and no one else gets sick! It is no fun being sick. It is also no fun being the person who is well and cannot rightfully make fun of your sick friend out of respect. It is also not fun to be the well person taking care of sick person. 

Friday night, I went through a hellish ordeal of getting my picture made while in the throws of a migraine.  Yes.   But not only that... I did it with my Whole. F' ing. Family. 

No, Really. 

AAAANNDD.. we did it at dinner time. You can imagine the cranky children, the screams, the candy thrown in their mouths, the air sucked from the room as everyone sighs, the fake smiles from having to be in the same room with everyone.  

I look especially glorious, thanks to the medication I took as soon as I got to my Dads. I lay on the floor of the van the whole 2 hours down to Birmingham with Anne's thick Lands End jacket on my head to block out the light.. When we got there, I made Jacob go to the Wal-Mart parking lot to take our Obama 08 sticker off the back of the van so my Father and Step-mother wouldn't think I was a satanist. That's when I took a Lorcet Plus. Man, oh Man. That stuff was potent!! I fell asleep for 30 minutes and then got up to get ready for pictures. When I came downstairs my Dad said "well.. you look...  alive!" HAHA. Yes. I was walking. With my eyes open.  When we got to the picture place, it was all I could do to just stay nice. It was raining. There were 17 other families getting their picture made and the picture people were WAY behind.. so we got to wait .... OUTSIDE!

Anyway, by the time we got our pictures made, It was the girls bedtime. We were hungry, tired, and I was out of my mind. You can actually see it on the pictures. I am straining a smile on my face as my dark circled eyes try to stay open long enough to see a flash. 

This one is my favorite:

It shows my Dad looking pretty frustrated that Lily hasn't eaten any supper,

 and is a two year old and is being told to sit and smile nicely. 

This one also makes me chuckle. Lily has almost gotten

 away from my step-mothers grasp.

HAHA. In this one.. everyone.. is forcing a smile.. IF they are smiling. 

My kids look bored.

I love out-takes.

Look at her! Man!! She is really making Momma proud with that 10,ooo watt smile of hers. 

She is like "I am gonna smile no matter how much screaming is going on behind me!"

I laughed at this one as well, because my two older girls looked scared. You can tell I have threatened them under my breath to shut up and smile.

That was my after-Thanksgiving family get-together.  After two days of not eating from migraines, I ate a couple of meals and then got the Stomach flu! It was probably all connected. Correction.. I ate a butt-load of spinach-artichoke dip on Thanksgiving day.

I love you, Brandice. Thank you for making that yummers salad. That is the only thing  ate today.. and the first thing I had in two days!!    ::WEEEEEE:::

A Senecal / Stedman Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving 2008 was alot like last years Thanksgiving, only my grandmother wasn't there, and there was more booze.  Also, I was sick as Hell but I was a smarty pants and didn't let on. ::gleam::The turkey was basted with rosemary and fresh lemons. 

Brandice brought the most beautiful salad I have ever seen and and still reliving the moments the avocado touched my lips. Little tears met my cheeks. The Stedmans came over making it the second annual Stedman/ Senecal Thanksgiving. We eat, we talk, we go on a walk. This year we walked all the way to the water.  I kept shushing the kids, because of fear that the people whose land we were walking on would get upset, but looking back I was really being a douche!! Geez, Laura. Little kids gotta run and scream and shizz.  Mean ol Aunt Laura making us walk around in the woods all quiet like Indians OH SNAP!! Yes, I said it. If Anne could read this she would give me an hour long speech on how I should NOT say Indian, but Native American. That is what I get for raising awareness in my kids. 

Here, Anne is having the TIME OF HER LIFE. Aaron Stedman has been her dream man since since she graduated Kindergarten and didn't get to see her boyfriend Trey everyday. She told Aaron this summer that she wanted to marry him and tries to get away with flirting with him any chance she gets. Here she probably said something very lady like, such as "Mr. Aaron, I am a little girl and I probably need to hold your hand so I won't fall down in these icky leaves. " Jacob and I laugh and hope that she grows up to marry someone as amazing as Aaron Stedman one day. 

Cousins... and the wierdo at Thanksgiving.  Hey, every family has one, right??  These kids are so adorable and really don't get to see each other all that much, so I was thrilled that they got along so well. From left to right... Madeline, Aidan, and Emma. Creepy dude that wants to get in little girl pictures.. Benstedman. 

The bestestest part about Thanksgiving this year was the part where we are all sitting at the BIG PERSON TABLE and Ms. Stedman starts telling Brandice and me all about her kids when they were little. She tells us that Ben had an imaginary friend named Reggenounce and... and.... HE USED TO KICK HIM .... when he got mad. He kicked his imaginary friend. Okay. Let's stop and take a little breath here.  Little ginger Ben. In overalls  (he probably wasn't wearing overalls, but it makes the scene so much better, don't you think??) all red-faced and mad. He goes over and kicks NOTHING. How his mother understands that he is taking his anger out on Reggenounce.. I'll never know. Also.. How the hell did he come up with "Reggenounce"?? What kind of stupid name is that???  All Brandice and I could do was sit there and TRY to not die from choking on the food in our mouths as we cried from laughter. Ben on the other hand hung his head in shame as he realized the verbal abuse that would ensue for the rest of the day and furthermore... the rest of his life.   It was beautiful. 

Bring out the Big Coats.

This past week has marked a sad and depressing time for me.. 

a time that hits every year. This year I felt it more than usual, though. The trees here in North Alabama are usually dull in comparison to Vermont foliage, but this year I was struck by how beautiful they all were. 

It was as if my backyard was aflame in striking yellows and burnt oranges. We have a few sugar maples and one in particular is always a beautiful bright yellow behind our koi pond.  My husband Jacob took the time this summer to cut down trees around the maples so they would have more space. "More breathing room" he would say. 

But then it happened. After the leaves fell and the rain ended, I noticed those all-too-familiar spots that I would see in the woods behind my house. They were dull grey spots that I saw last year, IN WINTER. I couldn't see them before, but yes, now ... I could. They are depressing. 

Usually, the trees are so full that I can't see the ridge behind my house. I live on the edge of a State Park that extends to the Cypress Creek and back behind the University of North Alabama.  There is a dry creek bed that you can almost see when all the trees have lost their leaves and you can see the fall and rise of the earth on either side. 

I am getting ready for the winter. We have some firewood, brightly colored walls, and sweaters. :) It's not like we are going to be stuck inside all winter like we were in Vermont, but still.. I really really REALLY like being outside, preferably in the warm breeze.

I keep telling myself that the good thing about winter is NO TICKS. I could literally go outside and roll around in the leaves and not get a tick on me. 

Last summer, you could walk ,.... no.. RUN to your car, jump in, and still find a tick on you. 

So, I am embracing the coming winter with my big ten dollar coat I got on sale at Old Navy.

Bring it, Winter!

Pain.

I've been having a weird week. After making dinner for church on Wednesday night last week, I stressed out my back and Thursday morning, it just... went out. So I spent the weekend in bed, and on pain medication. I feel so much better now!! And While I was bored to death in bed, I started blogging, so I guess something good came out of it. Now here it is Wednesday again. I've already made most of the food that I am serving tonight at church... Lasagna, Salad and bread. I have even taken most of it up to the church. I just have one more pan of lasagna to make....

 Today Jacob and I went up to the church because Madeline and Lily had their Thanksgiving Feast they have at preschool every year. It was in the auditorium, (or Family Life Center..)  and they all danced and sang for us. It was really cute!! Madeline's class got up to dance this little dance with ribbons that they twirl around.. and Lily jumped up, ran from her teacher and twirled around with Madeline and her class. It was hilarious!

Afterwards they sang a little prayer and we ate. I was struggling to get Madeline to hold her plate while I got Jacob's plate and my plate.. Lily was screaming and wiggling..  My pastor came over and said "Hey Laura.. how are you feeling?" And I said "I'M ABOUT TO STAB MY KID WITH THIS FORK!" And then when all the other parents whirled around to see what horrible parent said this, my pastor laughed and laughed out loud.  It made me happy that he understood my frustration and that he knew I wasn't going to stab my child. : ) So he took Madeline's plate and helped out.  Hahahaha. 

Jacob had to leave after a while and went to work. About five minutes later, Lily started to FREAK OUT and wander around the auditorium, crying for her Daddy.  "dadaaaaaaddyyyyyy!!!! daaaaaaadyyyyyyy!! " Once again, all the parents look at me as I struggle to catch up with her and pick her up..ugh.

Finally, I am home, where I will once more, lay down, and blog. 

The End .

Harassment

Harassment is a beautiful art form that is only accomplished by few. To harass another person, you must learn a few simple rules:

• They must know that you are harassing out of love.
• They must be friends. 
• They need to know that harassing them back only means more harassment from you.
• It never ends.
• Brandice is Queen Harasser and there is no stopping her. 
  

Today as I was chatting with my sister-in-law, which I do daily, I was reminded about something that I have not really seen in many circles of friends. My circle of friends know it all too well. Harassment can be seen or heard on a daily basis around us. It usually entails something such as "Come over to my house and hang out with us or I won't give your painting back." or calling them names, like "Ginger" over and over.   This is better done if your friend has red or auburn hair and has been teased about it before. You can add Ginger into your sentences, like .. "That's gingerific" or "He suffers from Gingeritis" or "Gingers are GRUMPY!". 

You get the point. 

Here are some ways that you, too, can harass your friends out of love. 

• Go to their personal space and move stuff around, whether it be their home office, their cubicle at work, their car or truck, or bedroom. 
• If possible, get access to their car or truck and turn the radio channel to country music or something else horrendous. 
• Also, turn windshield wipers on, pull the seat way up or way back, and make the air conditioner come on full blast.
• You can take large items from their area, leaving a personal note that says "come over and you can get it back". This usually takes the regular computer nerd longer than usual to figure out what is missing, since they are indeed mad geniuses and have very filthy desk/personal space  areas. 
• Send them postal mail unsigned, but with personal insights that only their close friends would know. (i.e. "Hows those hemorrhoids??")
• Blog about them. 
• Take old glamour shots of them and splatter them on the interwebs. 
• Take old pictures of your friends from 3rd grade and make a wall display. Hang it somewhere where everyone knows them and will see it upon entering a room. 
• Call them up and pretend you are not yourself but someone else, and make strange demands. Make a funny name up, like.. Brenda.
• Take a snapshot of them using the bathroom and use it against them so they will come over and eat pizza.
• Go to their house and put a bunch of fake spiders in their bed, which you got from Target when all the Halloween stuff went on sale. 
• Take all the cereal out of their box of Wheaties and fill it with acorns or something you can find around the yard for cheap.  Leave a note. 
• Make a missing persons ad and stick it on the carton of milk they use every day. See how long it takes them to notice they are missing. Put hilarious stats on the missing persons poster, like.. answers to "ginger".. only has one testicle... usually keeps his iphone glued to his face..

Now, some of you may think that it is manipulation or control, but I tell you this,  IT IS NOT. Why.. because they do it to you. And it goes round and round, and it is fun.  Never do something that you think the other person would get truly mad about.  This defeats the whole purpose of friendly banter and harassment. If you do something to them, make sure it is something you wouldn't mind doing to yourself. 

We have a friend named Kyle, and he is like... 12.    He is always coming over and making party fouls. Brandice and I have decided to buy him some sippy cups and write his name on it, so when he comes over he won't spill what ever he is drinking all over our beautiful carpets.

That is a little form of harassment. Mainly because 1. it is useful, 2. He will laugh about it, and 3. Everyone else will too.  :)

I hope you learned a valuable lesson today in Harassment 101.  One last lesson to grow on... Harass someone first before they can do it to you. 

Fall is coming to an END. 

We started a fire in the fireplace last night. 

We woke up to a cold house. 

Jacob started the fire back up.

No he's gone. 

I'm all alone in the house. 

The girls left the T.V. on in their room. 

I am still on my back. 

Today it hurts to sit up.

I feel pain ripping down my leg, as I lay here. 

Waiting for the meds to kick in. 

cold, quiet, house. 

 Eventually I will have to get up..

to stoke the fire,

to eat, 

to turn off that T.V. 

Mondays.

Tonight BenStedman walked in my door. 

All I heard was little girls screams and wails. 

I felt like I was listening to a very small 1967 Beatles concert. 

Deafening. 

"sigh" for mothers of little girls. 

 

Starting Out

I've been told that I should start Blogging. Should I, now?? Really? And infect the entire web-world with my redundancies and idiocracies ??

Well, HERE I AM WEB WORLD!!! Get ready for an late night, pain filled, alcohol driven, blood sweat tears blog!  Not really, but I like to build you up for what is to come, that way, when you get something kind of stupid for four weeks straight, and then you get something good, you will remember my first post.  "That's what she meant."

I normally have so much going on inside my brain, but am unable to really talk -it- out.  So perhaps this will help me, TALK. IT. OUT.

I have three small children. And that will be all. Sometimes I dream that one day God himself will come down and tell me that magically I have been sperminated and I will have another baby.. but. Jacob has other plans. 

Jacob is my husband. 

And he is the boss. 

Of my uterus. 

He is the oldest of twelve children from Vermont, and he is tired of babies. I really don't blame him but my own selfishness wishes I could have just one MORE. Like drugs, babies make you feel happy and delusional. I want more. I am slowly getting to UNDERSTAND him. we have been married for almost 8 years.  My Aunt Nadine was the oldest of 11 children, and she never had children. Her excuse was that she had already raised 10 children and she didn't want to raise any more. So I get it, and I guess that is what Jacob is feeling too. 

Alas!!

So anyhoo. get ready all you strangers and family-folk.