Harassment

Harassment is a beautiful art form that is only accomplished by few. To harass another person, you must learn a few simple rules:

• They must know that you are harassing out of love.
• They must be friends. 
• They need to know that harassing them back only means more harassment from you.
• It never ends.
• Brandice is Queen Harasser and there is no stopping her. 
  

Today as I was chatting with my sister-in-law, which I do daily, I was reminded about something that I have not really seen in many circles of friends. My circle of friends know it all too well. Harassment can be seen or heard on a daily basis around us. It usually entails something such as "Come over to my house and hang out with us or I won't give your painting back." or calling them names, like "Ginger" over and over.   This is better done if your friend has red or auburn hair and has been teased about it before. You can add Ginger into your sentences, like .. "That's gingerific" or "He suffers from Gingeritis" or "Gingers are GRUMPY!". 

You get the point. 

Here are some ways that you, too, can harass your friends out of love. 

• Go to their personal space and move stuff around, whether it be their home office, their cubicle at work, their car or truck, or bedroom. 
• If possible, get access to their car or truck and turn the radio channel to country music or something else horrendous. 
• Also, turn windshield wipers on, pull the seat way up or way back, and make the air conditioner come on full blast.
• You can take large items from their area, leaving a personal note that says "come over and you can get it back". This usually takes the regular computer nerd longer than usual to figure out what is missing, since they are indeed mad geniuses and have very filthy desk/personal space  areas. 
• Send them postal mail unsigned, but with personal insights that only their close friends would know. (i.e. "Hows those hemorrhoids??")
• Blog about them. 
• Take old glamour shots of them and splatter them on the interwebs. 
• Take old pictures of your friends from 3rd grade and make a wall display. Hang it somewhere where everyone knows them and will see it upon entering a room. 
• Call them up and pretend you are not yourself but someone else, and make strange demands. Make a funny name up, like.. Brenda.
• Take a snapshot of them using the bathroom and use it against them so they will come over and eat pizza.
• Go to their house and put a bunch of fake spiders in their bed, which you got from Target when all the Halloween stuff went on sale. 
• Take all the cereal out of their box of Wheaties and fill it with acorns or something you can find around the yard for cheap.  Leave a note. 
• Make a missing persons ad and stick it on the carton of milk they use every day. See how long it takes them to notice they are missing. Put hilarious stats on the missing persons poster, like.. answers to "ginger".. only has one testicle... usually keeps his iphone glued to his face..

Now, some of you may think that it is manipulation or control, but I tell you this,  IT IS NOT. Why.. because they do it to you. And it goes round and round, and it is fun.  Never do something that you think the other person would get truly mad about.  This defeats the whole purpose of friendly banter and harassment. If you do something to them, make sure it is something you wouldn't mind doing to yourself. 

We have a friend named Kyle, and he is like... 12.    He is always coming over and making party fouls. Brandice and I have decided to buy him some sippy cups and write his name on it, so when he comes over he won't spill what ever he is drinking all over our beautiful carpets.

That is a little form of harassment. Mainly because 1. it is useful, 2. He will laugh about it, and 3. Everyone else will too.  :)

I hope you learned a valuable lesson today in Harassment 101.  One last lesson to grow on... Harass someone first before they can do it to you.