Just go ahead and stick a dagger in my heart.

Jacob got to Chicago! They made it up there pretty fast, actually.. I was impressed.  He had told me that they were in "wicked heavy traffic" and that the city was busy and beautiful. He sent me a picture of the Sears Tower. I talked to him when he got to his hotel and chatted for a while, although, they were pretty exhausted from driving for 10 hours. 

A little later, I called him and he blurted "I CAN'T TALK. I'M DRIVING. I'M TRYING TO FIND HEATHER ARMSTRONG."  I hung up the phone and got really excited, mainly because I LOVE her and would die if I got to be in the same room with her. So witty and brilliant, that lady. 

He called me a while later and I eagerly answered, thinking.... well.. thinking so many things. For instance.. Did he just tell her he "drove all the way from Alabama to Chicago and can you please say hello to my wife who is in love with you?" Instead I heard a defeated "Hey, Honey." Which meant bad things that would later come back to haunt me. He said yes, they did find the bookstore. Yes, she is still here signing books. They are all sold out of books. THEY ARE ALL SOLD OUT OF BOOKS. THEY ARE ALL SOLD OUT OF BOOKS. For REALz. I heard all this chatter and I felt all the mixed emotions of defeat and utter excitement. 

Me: "Well.. Can... you just tell her I said Hello and you drove all that way and I love her?"

Jacob : "no."

Me: " How does she look? Is she all tired and bloated and pregnant-looking??"

Jacob: "uh.. she's putting on a good face."

Me: "Can you just hold up your iPhone and take a PICTURE of her???"

Jacob: "No."

Me: "Well!!  Can you just .."

Jacob: "NO, LAURA. There is a room full of people. There is a long, long line to see her.  It's going to take her another hour just to sign all those people's books."

I felt so close.. yet so far away.  I actually did that little girl squeal when he called me from the hotel. It went something like this "eeeeeeeeeeI'msoexcitedyourinthesamecityasheeeerrrrr!!!".

It's the effort. That is why I love that man. 

Chicaaah-go.

Jacob and Ben are on their way to Chicago today, and should arrive sometime this evening. How interesting that my very favorite Heather Armstrong from Dooce will be there signing books at a bookstore down town.  RIGHT ABOUT THE TIME THEY GET THERE.  I told him he better bring me back a prize, and hinting heavily did not work, so I just sent him all the information on exactly where she will be /the picture of the book/ at what time. Sometimes you have to do that with him. 

Lets go back a few steps.

Dearest Internet, 

The month long hiatus from this blog was filled with lots of fun and then sickness, followed by laundry .. never ending laundry. And anger. But I will address that in my own time. I think some people just need to be pulled aside so that they can be told of the trail of toilet paper hanging out of their shoe.. or something allegorical like that. Some people don't want any attention brought to their own freak-shows. 

I had a birthday party!! It was a joint birthday  party with Brandice, and honestly I cannot think of any better way to spend a weekend. It was fiesta themed, complete with pinata and margaritas and tom-foolery.  My Favorite part was when I whispered to Brandice in her ear that I was going to point her to Ben Stedman, and she hit him PERFECTLY. The most brilliant thing was, his back was turned, and everyone else saw what was happening but him. she hit him square in the side. Everyone laughed and we got to spank Ben all at the same time. :)

I have the best friends, and I am so thankful for all the work that went into the party, and all the cleaning up afterwards. It was wonderful and I will always remember it. I think Brandice should have parties with me from now on. :)

Another sign that I am in trouble.

This morning, at the table eating breakfast, Anne and Madeline were talking about their apples.

Madeline, of course, being the sweet little strawberry that she is, said to Anne : "Aaaaannnnee! Our Apples are TWIIIINS!!" Everything that child says is sprinkled with sparkly fairy dust.

Anne simply looks at her and replies "No Madeline. They aren't quite congruent. "

AND SHE KNEW WHAT CONGRUENT MEANT.

Lily is her own little person. And I am afraid of her.

Right now, I am watching my sweet baby Lily sleeping beside me. 

I should be asleep.

Her little face looks much like the photo here:

She looks so small and sweet and innocent, doesn't she??

You Fool. 

She is so far from that. She is become my little tumbling, screaming, screeching two-year-old who will strive to get her way NO MATTER WHAT. Today, we went to Trowbridge's, a local ice cream parlor built in 1918 and when you walk inside, it seems as if you have walked into the past. I love it there. Sitting down in the old fashioned seats, I order a chicken salad sandwich (it comes on white bread) and their orange pineapple ice cream (served in an old fashioned dessert glass).

As soon as that glass hit the table she grabbed it with her little grubby fingers and started eating it. I ignored it for the most part, because I really don't mind if she eats some of it. I just wanted a taste. 

When I get my spoon and start to take a bite, you might think that this sweet little person dressed in ballerina pink with a pretty little bow in her brushed, soft hair might be having a seizure. Screams shoot from her little open mouth and her whole body shakes in defiance of what she sees her mother do. This has become commonplace, lately, and I just roll my eyes. 

What can you do? 

I have spanked, threatened (and then followed up on the threats) taken things away and sat her in time out. It seems endless, and then again.... she is only 2 and 1/2.

You might think that with all of the hub-bub of my day and merely dealing with Lily, that I too, should be asleep. 

I am not asleep because... I can't sleep with out Jacob. 

aaaawwwww. 

He is downstairs with Anne watching that dumb sequel to the Narnia adventure movie that was awesome . This one seems (by the noises I hear) to not be so thrilling. 

I walked downstairs to do some laundry, and I asked him how it was. He replied with a "nuuaaah." 

Next week, he leaves to go to Chicago on a business trip for  a few days. I can already tell it is going to be a week filled with Tylenol P.M. and crying jags. The medicine will be for me, and of course the crying will be from the girls (mostly). I don't do well when Jacob is not around, but I figure I will manage. It is hard because they LOVE their Daaaaadddyyyyyy!!! He is magic and makes everything better and gives them things when Mommy says "no". They are always asking for him. I can imagine him at the hotel, getting a full nights sleep, eating at UNO's, laughing it up with Ben. YEAH, that's right. Ben Stedman is going. Because it is "work-related", and a computer programmer conference and why not, Laura, ease up geez I'll only be gone for a few days....

All I can say is, those girls are going to be getting LOTS of ice cream while he is away. 

Especially Lily.

When he gets home, maybe she will be nice to me again. 

aaaaaaand another reason...

Another reason why yesterday was a bad day. 

I was carded at the grocery store for buying wine. 

I am 31. 

also, I found a bright white hair on my head.

 I am 31. 

Weird?  I can name a few reasons to have grey hair already. One being genetics. 

I also live with three other reasons. 

I'm Very Angry.

Dear Internet,

I do not, in the least, believe that I might be able to understand my husband. First, I need to get things straight that we have the most loving of relationships. We get along, we are totally in love with each other, and compliment each other, We Are Very Happy. 

However, (you know that when I throw out the 'however', it means I am probably angered and need to get something off my chest) HOWEVER HOWEVER HOWEVER , my husband drives me beserk. This is the same man who once forgot to tell me MY MOTHER WAS IN THE HOSPITAL. Not until she called and said in a most annoyed tone "HI! I AM JUST FIIIIINE!" I just sort of rolled my eyes to imagine the drama that was going to come out of her mouth. I said "uh.. okay. " And then she said "Did Jacob not tell you I called and told him I was in the hospital??" 

"JAAAAACOOOOOOB!!!!!"

Yeah!! It happened. Are we exchanging internet glances with raised eyebrows at each other?? Because that is how I felt. 

 He did it again.  Today he was going to the hospital early to be sedated and then have an endoscopy in his throat. I was nervous but kept myself busy as today is a very busy day because I cook for my church on Wednesday nights, and all the girls are going to school.  Aaron, our friend, went with him and stayed there to make sure everything went well, since I had to get the girls ready and take them to school, and then start cooking. I called Aaron around 10 to see if I needed to pick him up at the hospital and bring him home to rest a while, because they weren't going to let him leave until he could walk around by himself.  Aaron said they were actually on the way to work even though Jacob was still groggy and could walk around some. He is incredibly stubborn about work. 

Then I call Jacob at 3 (since I haven't heard from him) and ask him how he is feeling and how did it go this morning.  He tells me he went to work only to lay down and rest, and then I pull miniscule bits of information out of him BECAUSE HE CANNOT JUST TELL ME.  I ask him when does he go to the doctor to find out what they found during the endoscopy... and he says so nonchalantly "oh they already found it, oh and they fixed it, too" Finally, I get angry and tell him that people are going to ask me how he is doing and can he please tell me what happened today?? You know, because I am his WIFE.  And I should KNOW these things. I imagine myself sitting there tonight at church, and everyone I asked to pray for Jacob today saying "So, Laura, how did it go today at the hospital??" and I would just look at them blankly and say "uhdunno".  And look like a total dumbass.  I tell Jacob everything. I would have called him and told him if I had a procedure done at the hospital and what it was and everything. So... Am I just the only one to think that is retarded of him?   I am going to wait for my sister Beth or my friend Sara to tell me a movie where someone is totally brilliant and has a magic brain , yet cannot communicate with people on a social level. What? What movie is that?  BECAUSE JACOB SHOULD BE MADE INTO A MOVIE. Totally awesome Dad, and Husband.. yet.  total retard sometimes. 

Jacob's endoscopy revealed that there was a constriction in his throat. They went inside with a balloon to inflate the constriction, and how it is fixed. That is all he would tell me.  :(

Love, 

Laura

Laura, Unhinged.

Dear Internet,

Another Day has passed, and another day has come to that point where I am reflective and all the mindless chatter in my brain becomes loud and obnoxious and I am forced to think about the tasks at hand and myself.   I have been ignoring myself lately.... to the point where doing something seems selfish and wrong. I.. after a nice long talk/cry/whimper session with my sister-in-law,  have come to the realization that I need what is called in the normal world as "breaks". These are things you do for yourself so you won't go crazy. They include simple things such as.... taking a nap... going to a bookstore and mindlessly wandering, going on a date, NOT DOING LAUNDRY.

 I know.. they seem very unreasonable and well, frankly, impossible, but people have reassured me that there is this thing, called "balance", and people do it all the time.  Things have become so blurry to me lately, that I find it difficult to drive or talk or  have real emotions. I have thought that possible I am going through a nervous breakdown of sorts, but my husband has assured me it is what he calls "burn out".  I am learning to laugh and cry and think. There will be a moment, and I will simply burst into tears. Most of the time, I can hold it together, and that is when I am very proud of myself. I think on the outside it looks as if I am very stable and approachable. Most of my friends will glide up to me and start joking with me, meanwhile I am nodding my head and smiling at them, joking back and forth, laughing and giving off the impression that all is fine in my world. They will ask me things like "How is your back?" "How is your family?" "Is everyone well in your family?".   I always respond with a reassuring "We are all mending", or "Fine, thank you!".  

That is not the case. I think lately I have been unraveling.  It is very difficult to think that I need to do something for myself. When I finally do force myself to rest or watch TV or write down my thoughts, I am overwhelmed with guilt. Guilt is pouring over me in waves and I become the Mother that cannot do enough to meet everyones needs. I am trying to learn, and the reason that I am writing it down here, is because I am forced to be reminded of the things I learn.  I know I need to let go, I know I need to relax, I know I cannot be all of the things I wish I could be for everyone. I want to be the Mom is is always there, the wife who is forever loving and kind, the friend with the listening ear and smiling face, the sister with the stories and laughter, the daughter with the heart for her parents.  I am realizing I am putting to much on myself. The pressure becomes unbearable, and then I fall apart. Sometimes the falling apart becomes healing and then growing into a  better person.  So .. that is the season I am in at the moment. I am not the person I am suppose to be. I have become unhinged, and am learning how to be the person that most people know and love to be . . . Laura.
For now, I will give you this..
My new song.

Why ::rubs eyes:: where... where AM I??

Hello Internets. 

I haven't made a post since.. Feb. 20. Why IS that? Well, for starters, Feb. 20th was an amazing night filled with pinata sticks and Brandice and candy and people and the rest was a blur.  

Then there was a busy time filled with cleaning up puke and other bodily excrement from my children, followed by bleaching towels and pillows, followed by getting sick myself, and finally more bleaching and cleaning. 

I have so much to tell you, Internet!! So many pictures and weird weather.  I went berserk  and have been in a fog. I will start a sentence and will stop because I can't remember a word, a simple word,  like..  tarter sauce.  Why can't people just read my mind when I can't say tarter sauce and just know that I NEED SOME TARTAR SAAAAAUUCE!!!

I will say that because of the insanity... it is Saturday, and I haven't watched my shows ALL WEEK.   My Tivo is still holding on to my Heroes (Mon.) The Biggest Loser (Tues.) LOST (Wed.) ALL of my Thursday shows.... So tonight I will lay in bed and watch most of them with my husband. And tomorrow I might update you on some stuff. 

Ta Ta for now. 

Catch you 'tards tomorrow.