Someone make it stop.

Have you ever been in the other room, washing dishes or folding clothes or whatever, and heard a screeching car bomb go off in your living room? YEah. I have. It happened when Lily and the other girls wanted to watch this Nickelodeon Movie on Netflix featuring a pubescent boy named FRED. Fred, is, for lack of a better word- completely annoying and horrible. I hear him and sometimes I go off in a day dream of how I want to set him on fire with a flame thrower. And then walk away and be done with him forever.

But Lily LOOOOVVES FRED. Loves him like she has never loved anything in her whole entire four-year-old life. Fred's love interest in the movie is Judy, and he is so doe eyed for her. Every song Fred sings about her and how to win her love and attention. Which in turn, means Lily and her little four-year-old voice sings partial songs about love for a girl named Judy.

There have been many a time when I have been at the grocery store, or library, or for Pete's sake, the church- and Lily has belted out a tune about Judy.

::sigh::

Tootsie

I've never been one of those girls that cherished things of yonder days. I have always tried to live in the now, because I can't change the past, and I don't really want to think that I am anything like my parents or grandparents. I feel like I am a part of a new and exciting generation, one that has learned more than my ancestors could ever have imagined possible.

Then, a couple of weeks ago, my dear Grandmother passed away, and it forced me to think of things that I have pressed back behind me for fear it would teach me a lesson in my rebellious attitude.

It did.

I learned so much from my Grandmother, and without her taking to time and energy to spend quality time with me, I would not be the woman I am today.

She taught me how to cook. I watched as she would pour her cornbread batter into the hot skillet, making crackling noises and smelling delicious.

She canned fruit and vegetables and started my curiosity with making my own food. It started when I lived in Vermont, when I didn't know how to cook and tried to re-create her chicken stew. From there it blossomed into a passion of mine.

She fed this little three legged squirrel for the longest time. Until one day it just didn't come back. We probably fed it leftover cornbread or biscuits. I remember it being so fun.

She took me fishing. This by far was a very fond memory for me. She had a little boat with a trolly motor and she and I would scoot around on the Tennessee River together. I would dig all over for worms and she taught me how to bait my hook.

When my husband and I wanted to buy a home and settle down, we looked for a home off the beaten path, a home with a woodsy feel near water. I often thought of my Granparents home in Killen, where I had so many good memories with her. Now I listen to the birds that I remember hearing at her home because we settled in Florence, right beside Killen, in a woodsy home near water.

Driving around Florence, I remember the places we went together and the memories we made when I would visit with her in the summers.

Looking back, I have no regrets. I feel blessed that I was able to live and learn from her and her way of life. She will always hold a special place in my heart.

Here's to you, Tootsie! Cheers. I Love you.

I haven't really slept in two nights.. I'm not sure why, but I have a feeling it has to do with stress.

This means I have an excuse to be short tempered and frustrated and completely look off into space with glazed-over eyes when you talk to me about something I don't care about. That happens a lot. I realize someone is really trying to talk to me about something that happened to them, or they feel a certain way about _______, and I think -- "oh my. I have not been listening. what have they been talking about? Have they asked me questions? I haven't heard any lapses in speech. " Than I start nodding my head in agreement and say .. "Isn't that just life for ya? GOD! "

Maybe I am just getting older, 0r maybe I just need way more sleep.

When Sleep does come, I have Stanley Kubrick dreams. Last night I dreamt that I was having another baby. I had planned on having this baby in a bath tub of an upstairs room that was completely unfinished. I think you could actually see the stars from the tub just by looking upwards. The day came when I started having minor labor pains, and when I sat down to use the bathroom, the baby came out. It was small and wrapped in .. uh.. organs? Wet, red ,.... flesh.

I unwrapped it to see what it was. At first, I thought it was a boy and thought.. FINALLY.. A BOY! but then I realized it was a girl and then thought.. oh my god I have FOUR GIRLS.

She was feisty and alive and chatty. That's right.. chatty. She knew a few words and could say MAMA. I also noticed she had teeth. Like, all of her top teeth. I just gasped and thought how horrible breast feeding would be.

These are my dreams, people.

When I woke up, I realized how sad I was that we aren't having any more children. Jacob was completely done with children after Madeline, but I begged and pleaded to please let me have another. So After Lily was born, he went to the hospital and got him self all fixed up. The conversation went something like this...

Me: " Hey, honey? Let's just go. We haven't paid yet, and we can just leave now and go home. "

Jacob: " No way. We are staying and I am getting this done. "

Me: "whine."

I think I am still mourning this decision. I still secretly wish that I could somehow get pregnant even though he is done. I have heard that it can happen, but seriously doubt it will. Jacob has made valid arguments that my back would not be able to handle another pregnancy, and he is probably right. Even without a job and without being pregnant, I hurt probably every three months. Right now is one of those times.

I picked up Madeline at church on Sunday and I think that was probably the worst decision of the month of May. Not only am I getting ready for Madeline's Magic birthday this Saturday, but it is also Jacob's birthday, and the end of school for the kids, graduation, Spring Art and Dance show, and my back is out. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO CLEAN EVERYTHING so I won't be secretly judged by mothers on Saturday?

I need a maid.

WTF??

I know.   Some of you are thinking.. "LAAAAURUUHH!! I know what that 'F' stands for!!" And my answer to you is... "I do too. And I don't care. "

So now that we are passed that... on to thoughts.  Umm.. I'm angry. REAL angry. I have a friend, that acts all pure and sweet, and I think they are actually fooling people to believe this.  I feel angry about this because I just want to be myself, and I want everyone else to know me for who I am. Like an open book. And I get angry when people I know are fooling others, and are not showing others their real self. I want to OUT them, but am learning patience to realize that people will always figure out the real truth in time. You know? It will be known. 

I have the best husband.. I know you are thinking you have the best husband, and my thoughts are... you probably have the best husband for YOU.  But I have the best husband for ME.  We are sitting there the other night, watching TV, and he looks over at me and says " You know what?? You are my home. I mean, we could live anywhere, do anything, but I wouldn't be home unless you were there."   

So I say "Stop it. Where is the tape recorder? I need to tape this. "

And he says "If I didn't have you, I would be Homeless."

And I am thinking to myself.. write this down, Nicolas Sparks... wherever you are.. This is GOLD. I want to see Rachel McAdams little doe eyes sparkle on screen when some hunk says that to her so I can cry with my girlfriends.  

My other thoughts today are.. I let people take advantage of me.. my time, my efforts, my love and patience, and that is all about to S-T-O-P.   I am tired of not taking time for myself and family and instead doing for others. I mean, I love ya'll and all.. but puh-leeze-- it has got to stop. And it will.   Three seconds ago. 

Fall is right around the corner and allergies to go along with it. We already take allergy medicine everyday and it doesn't seem to help much, so I am breaking out the local honey. One teaspoon (or tablespoon,... or 1/2 cup. ) a day and it should ease symptoms of  seasonal allergies. 

That is all.. 

Things I Love/Things you didn't know about me.. Part 2.

1. Recently, I have discovered Mint Juleps.  Helen Allman had me come over one night and had everything all laid out and showed me how to make it. Then she gave me the recipe that she printed out , and drew a little mint julep on it.  That is so like her to give me something like that.  LOVES. 
   
2. I like it when it is blistering hot outside, and I have to go every-stinking-where  with my 2 year old screaming and wiggling and trying to get away from me, and she goes towards those doors that open automatically, but someone stops her. Then I try to get the car cooled off as quickly as I can, because getting the kids in and out of their car seats while it is 103 outside is not pleasant. And then I come home and it is dark and cold and quiet and everyone takes a nap because it was so hot today. :)  
3. I like people who have swimming pools. Let's face it, if I had a swimming pool, I bet I would have a lot more friends. 
4. I love my friends. I have the BEST FRIENDS. I really do. We are close, and that is wonderful to me. It seems as I get older I see so many people.. especially people in my family, not have real, true, good friends.   I feel sad because they are not experiencing this kind of friendship in their lives. Not a day goes by that at least two of my friends call me or I call them.  (or see them). We are family to each other.  We text, g-talk, phone each other, or just meet up and have nice long talks over sushi.  
5. I love my church. I never thought I would be able to leave Calvary and the people there, but my church is awesome. They build me up and bless me, and I have purpose there. I feel needed and blessed and lifted up. 
6. MY ACCOUNTABILITY GROUP. Lord, almighty. They know about me, I mean... they KNOW about me.  I don't want to think what I would do without those ladies. 
7. Jennie Corley's roasted Pecans.  People, listen. You take pecans, put them in a pan, add some butter and salt, and roast those suckers while stirring them.. you have got yourself a snack. Put them in your baby green salad for something you will soon be addicted to.  
8. I love Jaimee's laugh. One day, I will record it and put it on here for your listening pleasure. 
9. I love it when Jimi attacks Lily in the Florence-Lauderdale Library corridor, making her screams bounce off the marble floors and interrupt everyone's internet chat room drama. It makes me laugh and have hopes that one day he will have children of his own. 
10. I love our basement. It's nice and cold in the summer. In the mornings, when Jacob is a wise man and is trying to give his wife a few more minutes of sleep, he will usher our girls down there to watch a princess movie.  This gives me valuable REM time to think about how I am getting out of the flood that is lapping up onto my porch (see #4 of Favorite things 1).
11. I love it when Aaron sprays his cologne in his room... The smell will drift out into the hallway and at least my hallway smells nice. Sometimes I day-dream that I will take his cologne and spray it all over the house so my house can smell better. KIDDING, AARON. 
12. Limes. Have I already talked about this?? Well, it deserves another talk. Limes are the best for boosting my mood. Or perhaps you could just bring me some guacamole from Rosies JACOB. 
13. Rosies Cantina.  I'm telling you ... I love Rosies so much, it is programmed into my home phone.  I'm not kidding. It's right under Ricatonis. 
14. Which brings me to Ricatonis. It is the place we go on every date. Jacob and I have just always loved it. We usually order the same thing every time, although lately we have been enjoying the shrimp spiedino. Heavenly. 
15. Food.  I love food. Everyone that knows me thinks I am a good cook. That is silly, because I really am not that great of a cook, people. I just love food. I love tasting it and tasting it and it just gets out of control sometimes. Note #7 and # 12 in this issue of "Lauras Favorites". See? There is just no getting around Sara Martins tomato Pie and Limes and Pecans and fresh basil and rosemary and... baby bella mushrooms sautéed with chicken. 

I'm hungry now. 

12-4

Sitting in your basement at 2:30 in the morning because you can't sleep is never the right way to deal with anger. In my defense, I really don't know what else to do but sit here and cry out to God as to what to do with all the hurt, because I am no longer able to function as a realistic wife/friend/mother/daughter with bottled up emotions. I am able to function in a way that people notice something is wrong, but maybe they can't pinpoint it, or perhaps they just don't know how to awkwardly ask why I am behaving in such a way that would make them notice. 

 

Whatever the reasoning, I still sit here. The light of my computer and the hum of my husbands computer. I wonder how long it will take before I go to bed. I wonder how long my husband will let me sleep it off tomorrow. I wonder how long I will continue to not talk to my Father. I wonder how long it will be before he finally calls. I wonder if I will answer. I wonder if my daughters will wonder why we don't visit them anymore. I am wondering if I will continue to feel this way or if it will subside with time, or if I will get bitter and angrier as time goes by. 

I feel like there is freedom ahead but am unsure how to walk towards it. I can see beautiful things but don't know how to reach out and touch them . This is surely to be a long and painful process.  I hope that my daughters will be able to see a strong woman, a loving mother, who stands guard over them, and not the weak and sobbing lady in her bathrobe in the basement. 

I'll never really know, I suppose. But I do know that I am raising my daughters to be able to talk to me, to be able to say the things they want to say, and I will listen. I will listen with every ounce of energy that I have, because I want it. I will be the grandparent that I see in my friends Larry and Helen. I will call my grandchildren, and I will ask them all about their day, and ask them what they had for lunch and who their friends are at school. I will encourage them in the things they love and I will kiss and hug and support them. I will call them on their birthday and tell them how wonderful and special they are. I will have the desire and drive to be the better grandparent.  I will sit at my kitchen table and have long talks with  my daughters over tea or coffee or whisky.. depends on what they are going through.  I will pat them on their hands with my old withered and worn hands, with love, letting them know that storms pass and better times are ahead.  

There is so much hope for them. They come from very loving parents, who in turn love in each other. We work together, and amuse our children with silly games and stories. We lay in the grass together and look at clouds and birds and stars. We play hide and go seek in our home and always act surprised when we hear giggling  coming from the closet and little faces jump out at us. And although it sounds warm and fuzzy and perfect, no ones family is ..  I am guessing that in the great balance of life, the sadness and heartbreak of my childhood and now adulthood will perhaps bring a greater sense of purpose, and create a loving family environment for my daughters childhood.  I learn from others mistakes. That is why I eloped. That is why I stand up for myself when I need to.. and why I stand back and not get involved in others conflicts. 

I am still learning. 

Hopefully a great big lesson soon will bring forth much wisdom.

Conversations : Jacob and Lily.

Tonight, I made the girls go downstairs and pick up the 67 pieces of chalk that lay scattered on the floor. Yesterday I picked up Lily a little too quickly and my back has been out ever since. This means everyone else picks up their OWN messes and Mama is off the hook for a few days.  This also means Mama is going to take the advantage and find things for other people in this house to do.  Leading to a bit of guilt. I told the girls if they pick all the chalk, then I would give everyone some ice cream afterwards.  You should have seen how fast it all got picked up. 

Upstairs, the girls wanted to sing "Happy Birthday" to Madeline, because she will turn 5 on Wednesday, and this has caused quite a stir in our home. Just thinking of artificial sweeteners and spongy cake goodness causes them to shake with drooling anticipation. After singing to her TWICE... Once when the ice cream came on the table, a second time with a candle "with fire on it" in her ice cream, I walked away. Lily and her little butt got down from the table, and walked into the living room where Jacob and I were talking.  The sweet little grin and bouncy curls looked at us ... waiting.  She knew. 

Jacob: "LILY! Put that bowl back in the kitchen!"

Lily: "no." ::grinning::

Jacob: "yes!"

Lily: "no! "   :: smiling::

Jacob: "Do you want a spanking?"

Lily:  "no?   YES!!"

Jacob: "OOONE..... TWOOOO....."

Lily: "THREEEE!!" ::giggles and runs away::

This is why Jacob is going to have a much much harder time than me when they become teenagers. I will threaten them within an inch of their life. And then I will make them believe it.  

My Cousin, my Friend.

Jacob's Cousin Mark is visiting us from New Hampshire. He came down because he is seeking a life change, and is considering working with Jacob and his company for iPhone Apps. 

Interesting. 

Their mothers are sisters, and everyone pretty much looks like each other. I knew this the first time I saw pictures of Jacob's cousins at his Grandpa's house. They all have the same eyes. What I didn't know, was they have the same gestures, the same expressions, and they also talk the same. My husband has an incredible brain and sometimes when he talks to me, it's as if God built a robot out of man-parts and then put him on Earth to play tricks on all of us normal humans. God sits back on His Lazy-boy and laughs out loud at my facial expressions when Jacob says something that goes completely over my head.  

The other day, I asked Mark "what do you wanna to do today?"

And he responded " What are you capable of facilitating?"

Which completes my theory that somewhere down the line they are robots. 

Easter Weekend.

Easter Weekend wasn't so bad this year. It was actually kind of nice. There were no screaming matches, no food was thrown ,  no vomit, no goose eggs on foreheads.

First, I went to my Mothers side of the family and had lunch with corresponding Egg Hunt.  Then I went  to my Dad's, where we had church, lunch and corresponding Egg Hunt. 

This is my Dad's last year to be preaching during Easter. This June he will retire from the Clergy. THANKYOUGOD. For once, I would like to not have to travel all the way down to Deliverance country and perhaps go to my very own church for Easter Sunday.  I think the church will really miss him.  He has been there for about 12-13 years now, and he has traveled an hour there every Sunday and back again for that long.  His gas bill, and his car, will thank him come June.  

My step mother put  yellow roses she cut from her garden in our room where we stayed, and that made a difference to me. I love yellow roses. She probably didn't know that, but it made me happy to see them and it was sweet.  

Here, I like to joke that my Dad is saying "Lord, what am I going to do with these granddaughters of mine??" They are quite the handful. 

Madeline, standing outside of my Dad's church, being all cute and sweet as usual. 

She reminds me so much of myself when I was her age. 

Here, Lily shows her Aunt Beth this flower she picked and how it is more special than any other flower in the whole wide world and can I ride home with you, please??

When I was Lily's age, I sucked my fingers the exact same way she does, only it was with my other hand. My Step-mother made these dresses for the girls. 

Lily is upset with me that I am trying to take her picture, and clings to big sister Anne for help. Anne loves Lily and loves to show affection to her little sister. She just hugs her back. 

That was pretty much my Easter. It was nice, but I am so glad to be back home and be in Florence. There is no other place like it for us. We've visited all over the country, but Florence holds special meaning for us and we wouldn't trade it for anything else.  Now, if you have a bungalow down in the Caribbean and there are sandy white beaches and twizzlers to drink our coconut drinks out of, and palm trees and all of our friends can come, then I might think about living there for half of the year.

I realize that I am not having any more children, and with that, the sadness comes that I will never again hold a little newborn that is my own. I am not letting Lily's youth slip away from my memory like I did with my other two girls.  I remember being so tired and just wishing they could hurry up and learn to eat by themselves, to tie their own shoes, to go potty by themselves, and put themselves to sleep.  With Lily my reality is solidified by the fact she is the youngest. It all comes into focus. It becomes important. 

So the other morning while I was getting my coffee, I looked over and saw her sitting there, quietly, eating her breakfast cereal, by herself.  I smiled and watched her, so big, not needing me for anything.  I grabbed my camera which just happened to be on the counter and  took a few pictures of her. One day I will look back and miss these days.

Splashing in the puddles.

The other day, 

When it was still warm Spring weather,

it rained.

I took the advantage,

I let go of the fear. 

I took my girls outside

to jump in the Springtime puddles.

The warm rain had left a small puddle in our driveway

where the nutrients and rich soil

drift in the tiny river 

covering the small delicate feet of my children.

Children don't understand the complexities of Motherhood.

The dark black footprints left on my white carpet,

The wet hands clinging to my cotton shirt,

tugging at me because they are barefoot.

They watch as the snails creep by. 

They too, are enjoying the wetness and smell of a fresh rain.

Splashing and jumping,

Splashing and jumping,

The girls become mud monsters,

Attacking me with their muddy hands and feet.

I lean against a brick wall and watch them.

I am filing this memory in a special place. 

Watching the clouds roll in, another rain storm is coming,

our time is short. 

I sigh and take more pictures,

because soon they will be all grown up,

and just like me, they will keep their shoes on, 

and lean back, 

and take pictures themselves.

Chicaaah-go.

Jacob and Ben are on their way to Chicago today, and should arrive sometime this evening. How interesting that my very favorite Heather Armstrong from Dooce will be there signing books at a bookstore down town.  RIGHT ABOUT THE TIME THEY GET THERE.  I told him he better bring me back a prize, and hinting heavily did not work, so I just sent him all the information on exactly where she will be /the picture of the book/ at what time. Sometimes you have to do that with him. 

aaaaaaand another reason...

Another reason why yesterday was a bad day. 

I was carded at the grocery store for buying wine. 

I am 31. 

also, I found a bright white hair on my head.

 I am 31. 

Weird?  I can name a few reasons to have grey hair already. One being genetics. 

I also live with three other reasons. 

FAIL!!

There was probably a lot of controversy surrounding my marriage to Jacob. First of all, my family had no idea who he was or how absolutely AMAZING a person I chose to marry. But I Knew. He has come to be loved by them, now. Good thing, because he isn't going ANYWHERE. Secondly, there are many other things but I do not feel like typing them out. This morning, our friends Ben and Isaac came by to pick Jacob up for work, and while they were here, They heard what I will call "a little fart" in the marriage.
Jacob was opening the window in our basement because it really is a beautiful day. But he almost knocked over one of my precious pots with seedlings that I have carefully nurtured during the harsh Alabama winter. I said "Jacob if you break that, I will kill you." In which Jacob laughed out loud, because he likes to be harassed by me. HE DOES!! Honest. Then I turned to Ben who was starting to laugh and said "sorry you had to hear that, boys." Ben said "OH, I SEE HOW THIS MARRIAGE WORKS. " Jacob laughed and replied "oh, that was just the pressure valve releasing a little air." And then we all laughed that is was merely a fart in the marriage.

The other day, Anne asked me how old her Daddy was. I told her that Daddy was 34, and this year in May he will be 35. She went on with what she was doing and it wasn't until yesterday that I noticed what she had done. Every little kid draws a picture of their family when they are little. Mommy and Daddy are always enormous, with tall legs. Then the oldest child is next, shorter than Mom and Dad, but always taller than the younger sibling.
Instead of writing out that her Dad is 34, she mistakenly wrote that he is 43. I didn't know I was married to such an old person!! HAHA. He is now 13 years older than me. That is pretty amazing and if my family found out, there would be such gossiping behind my back! Glad they don't know about that "little fart".

Valentines CD 2009

Every year, I make my sisters a Valentines Cd. It's really for me than for them, mainly because I feel this indescribable urge to make the infamous "mixed tape" or now, in the golden age of technology, the mixed playlist..
This year is a good mix. Maybe it is because I have listened to all of the songs for a year now, or maybe it is because I am going through menopause early. I think I am tearing up to these songs for a different reason. I don't think, I know.
I am a control freak. If things don't go my way, I tend to get angry. I know this and have worked on it, but in the end, I still control my emotions. I have with-held the "healthy cry" for a really long time now. It seems that anything that might tug on an emotion in your heart makes it way out of me in it's dominant push for freedom and expression. I tend to hide the way I feel for most people sake, as to not interfere with their story they want to tell me or the comments they want to make.
Saturday this lady came over to my house, because she wanted to have a play-date with her son and Anne. She really said some things that were quite rude and asked me things that a person meeting another person would NEVER ASK. The things that I replied with and the things going on in my mind were contradictive, at best.

Said: "Well, my birthday is on Feb.26, actually"
Thought : "What the hell? Why do you want to know?"

On the question "are you making lunch?"
Said: "I wasn't planning on making lunch.. uh.. let's see what is in my fridge."
Thought: "Go away Go away Go away you crazy people!!!"

On the question if they could have their son's birthday party at my house. (you read that right)
Said: "Um. Let me ask Jacob"
Thought: "GET THE HELL OUT OF MY HOUSE AND DON'T COME BACK!"

Then she proceeded to tell me that she could decorate my house for the birthday party.
I thought "WHAPWHAPWHAP" to the face.

Why would a person I barely know ask me something so horrid?? I think she knew she crossed a line, but you never know with crazy people.
Anyway, every time I watch a commercial that is NOT supposed to be a tear jerker, I start to cry a little. But just a little. Just enough for one little tear to start to make it out, then I stop all that whining like a little baby and suck it up.
It all comes down where I have a big blowout and then it starts all over again. Woe is the child that gets in my way.

Flight of the Conchords.

Sometimes, I pretend that I am their superfan and not Mel.
How weird would that be??
In this clip of the Flight of the Conchords, Bret and Jemaine meet some muggers on the mean city streets. They try to rap and show the muggers how hard-core they are, but they eventually get mugged anyway. It's one of my favorite episodes.
If I met some muggers on the street, I have often imagined what I would do. Sometimes I think about how I would react to certain situations, horrible situations, should they ever occur.
Imagine I hear a noise in the middle of the night in my basement. Now that I have a ninja living in my house, I do not worry about it as much. But suppose I hear a noise in the middle of the night, a crashing of glass... In my mind, I grab the phone and call 911 and then hide in the closet, closing the door veeeeery sloowwwly. Than I whisper to the police that a burglar is in my basement and hurry the hell up. If the burglar catches me before the police show up, however, I act like I have never called the police and could I get him anything?? Jewelry? Cash? a spot of tea? Whatever, because frankly I do not care about any of the possessions I have, only certain things like, pictures and my computer (which I have already hidden under my bed and under my heating pad.) And my computer is only important because of the pictures that are on it.
When the police show up, I act surprised. ("who could THAT be??") It all works out in the end.. in my mind. I never have to wake up my children or husband.

In reality I actually poke Jacob until he wakes up and checks out what that noise was... that he never heard because he worked in a lumber mill and is half-deaf.... and it almost always is our heating system kicking on in the middle of the night.


I hope HBO keeps this show around for many years to come.

I live in a scary, nice, and most of the time, quiet neighborhood.

There have been many times in my life when I have tried to tell you something, and you didn't believe me. I don't know why you didn't believe me, because Lord knows I want to be taken seriously. I desperately want be seen as an open, honest and trustworthy person.  One day Brandice was over at my house, and I opened the door, screamed, and yelled that a snake just fell on my head. Brandice did her "siiighh" and then announced that, no, a snake most certainly Did Not just fall on my head.  

Until I showed her the snake. 

I don't know how that little bastard got up there in the door frame, but it did. And it had sinister thoughts at how it would get up the nerve the next time Laura opened the door and jump on her. OKAY, now I get it... you don't believe me because I have a wild imagination, yes I DO! Guilty.   But I am most certainly honest. 

I tried to tell some people not too long ago how my neighbors must have some conspiracy against me. We put the Obama/Biden sign in our yard, and the next thing I know, they were showing off their guns, IN THEIR FRONT YARD.  Maybe it was the Obama-anti-gun-craze that sent thousands of rednecks to buy AK 47 assault rifles at the local pawn shops, or maybe it was just coincidence. One day I came home to find my neighbor across the street showing off his shotgun.  To Me.  The person who could care less about guns. I don't even know what gun-names are. That is how STUPID I am about guns. I know the long ones are shot guns, okay? and the short ones.. they... they are pistols.  or.. handguns.. whatever. 

Then a few days later... Jacob and I were enjoying the morning in our bright, sunny kitchen when we heard a loud BANG. I ran to the window and saw our two neighbors next-door shooting their.. rifle at a woodpecker.    

That's right.

     

 A WOODPECKER.   

With a SHOTGUN.      

BY OUR HOUSE. 

See they have a wood siding house, and the woodpeckers will come and peck holes in the side of their home. Some of the holes are rather large. They actually killed that woodpecker that day. 

A few days later, I looked at the window and saw them again. We live in the CITY LIMITS. We live "downtown".  Lady was walking in the middle of the street looking for that woodpecker just to show his face.  That woodpecker best find somewhere else to peck.    

Please Mr. woodpecker.  

For all of those skeptics.. doubters.. I got something for you.. PROOF. 

Just go away, Ann Coulter!!

I am at home alone and watching NBC's Today with Hoda and Kathie Lee. Ann Coulter is on there, talking about her new book and making everyone feel uncomfortable and nauseous. Kathie Lee said "don't you think the tone in which you deliver your message turns people off? Its not always the message, but the messenger" Ann  replied that she thought her tone was "zippy and enticing"

Hoda said "you  lost me a loooong time ago."

I think this is the first time I really looked at the womans face.  Not only is she scary, but the way she talks could be something you hear on a haunted house ride, in the dark. Wouldn't that make you want to crap in your pants?

Honestly, I don't ever listen to the woman. I don't care what her views are, the same as I don't care what Whoopie Goldbergs views are nor do I care what Rosie O'Donnell thinks. But at least I can watch them speak. I think if you spread hate, hate breeds, hate destroys. I want her to stop talking now. 

::hides under covers::

Happy New Year, Internet!

This is the last day of the year. 

The day when we get all dressed up, buy a bottle of champagne and go somewhere to celebrate the New Year. 

Well, at least that is what MOST people do. 

Last year, we had a nice party here at our house.  We played party games, had delicious food and laughed hysterically at other 

peoples New Years Resolutions. 

This year, we are taking down Christmas decorations and getting ready for family that is visiting in about a week from Vermont. I feel like the biggest bozo for not getting a babysitter or at least doing something for my friends here at the house like last year. There just seems to be so much to do and so little time to get it done. 

And since all the kids have been sick for so long, I want to keep them in. 

They all have ear infections, 

and are all on anti-biotics. 

So to all of you out there with your black sparkly cocktail dresses and hairspray and fancy shirts... Happy New Year to you!  And to all of those Ladies like me... who are in their jammies and have their hair up in a ponytail and are surrounded by clean laundry that needs to be folded... Here's a glass to you.. may your laundry get folded, may your children sleep all night.. and may all your dust bunnies flee.

Happy New Year. 

Keep your murderous rage in check.

This Christmas has been the most stressful Christmas in  FOREVER. From Thanksgiving, to what will be New Years, we have been sick at my house. First, getting the stomach flu (which no one else got thankyouGod) then Lily getting the croup, Madeline getting an ear infection, and now on the heels of that, Anne is very sick. 

I am not sure what she is suffering from, but she has a temperature over 102 almost every night three nights in a row and her throat hurts. We have been babying her and giving her lots of whole foods and drinks to ease it, but she is still sick. 

This just in.. Lily now has a fever...

Not being able to really go out and buy gifts, I have been making many gifts this year. I crocheted little hats for my nieces, made pillows and bows and cross-stitched. It reminded me of this web-site that I used to visit to laugh for a while whenever I was down.

 It's called Subversive cross-stitch, and it was born from a woman named Julie Jackson. She was trying to quit smoking and her mother bought her a cross-stitch book to keep her mind busy away from how angry she was at the world.  I used to smoke some when I was a teenager, and I have to admit, I understand where she is coming from. Addictions to anything can make you a cranky loser to be around. I think there have been times when I was denied eating salad for a few days and it wasn't a pretty picture of a loving wife and mother. Jacob might say "horrible fire-breathing beast" but he isn't the one writing this, is he?!?

Subversive Cross stitch might say all the things you want to say to people, but don't have to. I have to say, it is much more therapeutic to cross-stitch these thoughts out then to say them. And afterwards, you have a comical dish towel to display when douche-y friends come over. 

I can think of some more things to cross-stitch but I don't really feel like typing them out on here. 

Maybe I'll just start cross-stitching them out......

xoxoxo,

Laura