Not SO FAST!!!

Last night we all went to the Mega grocery store, all three girls and Jacob. After we got our food items I wandered over to the clothing section to check out any deals there might be for the upcoming school year. This Fall, both Anne and Madeline will be going off to Big Girl School and only Lily will be home with me. Her preschool starts later and gets out earlier. I like that I will have this small amount of time just with her. My girls are growing up so fast, and honestly, I don't like it. I am disgusted with people when they say "Kids grow up so fast!". I just want to punch their face right through the computer. Yeah! That's what people do! GROW. When you feed them.

Now I find myself groaning with the thought of the girls going to the next grade, thinking about how they will daydream about boys, remembering how they were when they were Lily's age. The other day I walked down the hall and paused to find Lily in the bathroom, standing on a little chair, on her tippy toes, brushing her teeth all by herself. She could barely see herself in the mirror. That is when I realized how big she has gotten this summer. Sigh.

In the grocery store I bought Anne and Madeline some new underwear. That is when Madeline started whining about something she wanted. I looked over. Ohmygosh the bras. BRAS, people! I had my own money to spend and I thought I would indulge them and let them feel grown and important. So, I found the littlest tiniest little bras for little people and I bought 3 for 9$.

Madeline RUNS up to Jacob, SCREAMING "Dad I got a BRA! We got BRAS!!!" and then Anne chimes in and Lily is screaming and it is a little chorus of small children screaming about bras. Jacob looks at me, and says in the most exasperated tone "I don't want to know!".

Knowing this would probably give Jacob more gray hairs, I had the girls put on their bras when they got home and show them to Jacob. :)

Raisin' em right means: Making Mama a Hotdog.

Imitation is the most sincere form of flattery.. is that a correct quote? I'm not sure where it came from, but sometimes it can be flattery, enlightening, or just plain mean. Today, I woke up in a rare good mood, (not being a morning person by nature..) so I decided to be just plain mean to Jacob. :)

I followed him around the house mimicking everything he did.. it was as if I had turned into a ten year old, the opposite of Tom Hanks in BIG.

Jacob: "What are you going to do today?"

Me: " What are YOU going to do today?"

Jacob: " I'm going to be moving files ."

Me: "well, I'M going to be moving piles. of laundry. "

He puts on his deodorant, I do it. He brushes his teeth, so do I. I just followed him around and did everything he did - at the time he did it - just to see what he would do.

At first he was all : heystopitthat'snotcoolLaura but in the end I think he liked the attention.

After he went to work I went to work in the kitchen doing the dishes, making my children hotdogs at 9:30, sweeping, prepping a chicken for dinner.. WHY YES I am making hot dogs at 9:30 am.. because Mama wanted a hotdog for breakfast. I think I am going to start a tumblr account and name it "HotDogs For Breakfast", because lets face it America. This is who we are.

So I'm in there and I hear the girls in the living room playing with each other and they are pretending to be Mama and Baby.

I love hearing this because: A.) They never ever play together unless they are trying to kill each other. and B.) Madeline was me. She was.. pretending to be me, and saying things she thought I would say. The mimicking was now all about me and I must say it is not always cool to hear your 6 year old yell at your 3 year old. Madeline screamed

"Where is your sister? WHERE IS SHE!!??"

I sort of laughed and cringed on the inside. So I really sound like that? When do I ever yell tha..... OHHHHH YEAH. Sometimes Lily will escape and try to go outside and that is a big NO NO in my house. You can't just go outside by YOURSELF! What if one of those gross turkey buzzards that fly around comes over and picks up my baby and scoops her away to the Dump?-- or worse--- a tick gets on you.

EEEEEEEEWWWWWWW.

I just heard Lily say "Mama I'm huuuungry. " Madeline went through the motions of trying to get her something to eat. Finally I heard Madeline reply.. "(sigh) I'll get you some water. "

I think I am going to go in there and reward her with another hotdog.

I haven't really slept in two nights.. I'm not sure why, but I have a feeling it has to do with stress.

This means I have an excuse to be short tempered and frustrated and completely look off into space with glazed-over eyes when you talk to me about something I don't care about. That happens a lot. I realize someone is really trying to talk to me about something that happened to them, or they feel a certain way about _______, and I think -- "oh my. I have not been listening. what have they been talking about? Have they asked me questions? I haven't heard any lapses in speech. " Than I start nodding my head in agreement and say .. "Isn't that just life for ya? GOD! "

Maybe I am just getting older, 0r maybe I just need way more sleep.

When Sleep does come, I have Stanley Kubrick dreams. Last night I dreamt that I was having another baby. I had planned on having this baby in a bath tub of an upstairs room that was completely unfinished. I think you could actually see the stars from the tub just by looking upwards. The day came when I started having minor labor pains, and when I sat down to use the bathroom, the baby came out. It was small and wrapped in .. uh.. organs? Wet, red ,.... flesh.

I unwrapped it to see what it was. At first, I thought it was a boy and thought.. FINALLY.. A BOY! but then I realized it was a girl and then thought.. oh my god I have FOUR GIRLS.

She was feisty and alive and chatty. That's right.. chatty. She knew a few words and could say MAMA. I also noticed she had teeth. Like, all of her top teeth. I just gasped and thought how horrible breast feeding would be.

These are my dreams, people.

When I woke up, I realized how sad I was that we aren't having any more children. Jacob was completely done with children after Madeline, but I begged and pleaded to please let me have another. So After Lily was born, he went to the hospital and got him self all fixed up. The conversation went something like this...

Me: " Hey, honey? Let's just go. We haven't paid yet, and we can just leave now and go home. "

Jacob: " No way. We are staying and I am getting this done. "

Me: "whine."

I think I am still mourning this decision. I still secretly wish that I could somehow get pregnant even though he is done. I have heard that it can happen, but seriously doubt it will. Jacob has made valid arguments that my back would not be able to handle another pregnancy, and he is probably right. Even without a job and without being pregnant, I hurt probably every three months. Right now is one of those times.

I picked up Madeline at church on Sunday and I think that was probably the worst decision of the month of May. Not only am I getting ready for Madeline's Magic birthday this Saturday, but it is also Jacob's birthday, and the end of school for the kids, graduation, Spring Art and Dance show, and my back is out. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO CLEAN EVERYTHING so I won't be secretly judged by mothers on Saturday?

I need a maid.

Seasons. They are a Changing.

I realize the last two posts were contradicting of each other, one was a "Wow" and one was a "Pow". In the College group that I am somehow (a God thing) a part of... they do this thing called PowWow. When they asked me to be a part of this group, and help out, I was flattered and jumped at the chance to hang out with the College group at church. Are you kidding me?? Man, an hour (or two, or three!!) without children and be around people who get to sleep and read books and listen to music.. probably music that I like? HELL YES.

So I joined. But then I realized I had sort of bit off more than I can chew. Dealing with a 2 year old like Lily... a job, a husband, a house to clean and those pesky Stedmans to deal with... (kidding BEN! pleasedon'thurtme) and I have two other children too.

So anyway.. they do these icebreakers, and I was already so nervous to even be there, and didn't know anyone, and then they do the POWWOW thing, and I thought I was going to pee in my pants right then and there. But you give a "pow", which is a negative thing that happened this week.. then a "wow" which is a positive thing. I think you understand. If you don't, you shouldn't be reading my blog, you idiot. But I am normally a nervous person, so speaking in front of others in painful to watch.

I started reading the book that went along with the class.. and I am surprised at myself. This book, called SEVEN, by Jeff Cook, has really ministered to me. What a blessing this class has been. (the wow) I feel like God has completely orchestrated the whole thing. It goes over the Bible's "Seven Deadly Sins" and let me tell you.. WOW. This book is amazing. I would encourage it a read for everyone.

So everything has been lacking lately. My proficiency as a wife an mother and house-keeper is all shot to hell. I just can't get everything done. So my expectancy in myself is going down. If I keep high expectations on myself I will just drive me and everyone around me crazy.

My house will be messy. I will forget homework. I might forget to brush my childs hair in the morning. I might be wearing mis-matched socks or need a drink at 3 in the afternoon. But this is the season I am in. And if your expectations of me are higher than this... I will go ahead and tell you that I will let you down. Cause I can't do much better than this.

Little known fact: I LOVE DAVID BOWIE. The Thin White Duke is a little dream of mine. Yes my husband knows. No, I do not rub it in his face. nom nom nom, Bowie.

The Most Magical Place in the World...

.......Used to be Disney Land. Now when someone wins the Superbowl,  all they want to do is go to the Florence River Heritage Park Splash Pad!! Well.. at least me and my kids do. And IT'S FREE!! 

I have only just started taking my children there. I guess I was intimidated by the fact that I would have to take them by myself, and was unsure how much trouble it would be to get them out of the car, set up camp, chase them and yell in front of innocent children with their parents. 

I always have this fear that I am going to do that thing where I start yelling at my kids in public and all the music will stop, and everyone swivels their heads to look at me, mouth agape.  Crickets will chirp, and I will be embarrassed that I was the one yelling in public. 

So, I finally went. To my delight, I wasn't the only one yelling, and  thankfully, the girls were really  really good. :)

It seems like a little oasis in the boring parts of summer, when the air conditioned rooms dry out your skin and make you feel cold.  Every day I wake up and think... should I take the girls to the Splash Pad? They have fun music playing, chlorinated water, and I bring my chair and set up to watch the girls and get some well-deserved sunshine on my face. 

We have only had a couple of really bad moments there. One day Anne dove knee-first onto the concrete, skinning her knees pretty bad.  The other one was horrifying, Madeline got hurt on the gusts of water in a private area.  

Even after scrapes and boo-boos, we still love to go. I think it is magical in the sense that it makes Mommy happy, and I usually bring snacks and Capri-Suns for them.  

Sunshine + Snacks + happy Mama.. = seems too good to be true. 

Now when I say "Who wants to go to the Splash Pad??", Lily will jump up, take her clothes off and scream "SPLASH PAD SPLASH PAD BABY SOUP BABY SOUP". Baby Soup is how she says "bathing suit". 

Maybe we will go today...

A major milestone happened today, without my control or nagging.  Many of you know that my middle child Madeline will not eat certain things. In fact, her eating habits are in these food groups :  Chicken nuggets, plain straight french fries, french baguette bread, grapes, apples, oranges, berries, most fruit.. and uncooked raw vegetables, such as carrots sticks, cucumber slices, peas, beans, cabot sharp cheddar ( it has to be Cabot) and peanut butter.  That is pretty much IT, folks.  And her food cannot touch each other. I forgot hotdogs. She loves hotdogs.  When I give her the hotdog, she will often tell me whether or not she wants it cut up, or in a bun, and what to put on the dog itself.  If I put mustard and ketchup on her plate, THEY CANNOT TOUCH OR THE PLANET WILL EXPLODE, MOM. 

Seriously, I will have to start all over. She will not eat a peanut butter sandwich. But she will eat peanut butter on a spoon and then eat some bread on the side.  Won't eat macaroni and cheese, or pizza, or spaghetti... none of the kid-loving meals. I make a big fuss about how silly it is for her to get upset and make sure she knows that I think she should just get over it. 

Today Madeline and Lily were watching Blues Clues (or Lily says.. Boos Cooos!!) and it was the 'snack time' episode. When I made the girls lunch today, I just made a "snack time" themed lunch. I bought Madeline one of those plates with dividers so it would be easier for me to keep her food separated. I put some cut up apples in one pocket, a piece of bread in another, cucumbers, and a spoonful of peanut butter.  Later when I came in the room, she wanted to show me how when you mix apples with peanut butter that "it tastes like apple juice". I was shocked as I watched her dip a slice of apple into her peanut butter AND THEN EAT IT. Without force.  I was amazed.  

And she said she saw it on Blues Clues. 

I love you, T.V. 

Conversations : Jacob and Lily.

Tonight, I made the girls go downstairs and pick up the 67 pieces of chalk that lay scattered on the floor. Yesterday I picked up Lily a little too quickly and my back has been out ever since. This means everyone else picks up their OWN messes and Mama is off the hook for a few days.  This also means Mama is going to take the advantage and find things for other people in this house to do.  Leading to a bit of guilt. I told the girls if they pick all the chalk, then I would give everyone some ice cream afterwards.  You should have seen how fast it all got picked up. 

Upstairs, the girls wanted to sing "Happy Birthday" to Madeline, because she will turn 5 on Wednesday, and this has caused quite a stir in our home. Just thinking of artificial sweeteners and spongy cake goodness causes them to shake with drooling anticipation. After singing to her TWICE... Once when the ice cream came on the table, a second time with a candle "with fire on it" in her ice cream, I walked away. Lily and her little butt got down from the table, and walked into the living room where Jacob and I were talking.  The sweet little grin and bouncy curls looked at us ... waiting.  She knew. 

Jacob: "LILY! Put that bowl back in the kitchen!"

Lily: "no." ::grinning::

Jacob: "yes!"

Lily: "no! "   :: smiling::

Jacob: "Do you want a spanking?"

Lily:  "no?   YES!!"

Jacob: "OOONE..... TWOOOO....."

Lily: "THREEEE!!" ::giggles and runs away::

This is why Jacob is going to have a much much harder time than me when they become teenagers. I will threaten them within an inch of their life. And then I will make them believe it.  

We Made It!

Today I am married exactly 8 years. This is remarkable, for many many reasons.
One, my family (sorry Beth) is f'ing crazy. CRAZY. They gave me these... demands... restrictions.. before I got married. This really frustrated me, because they did not know Jacob, and I'll give them that. But I knew him. I knew he was going to be a wonderful husband and one day, Father. There is no way you can tell your family the things that you have learned. They will not listen. All they are interested in is how far they have come in life, and how you are just 22 and will most certainly make those same mistakes as them. Either "I didn't find myself until I was thirty, and neither will you" or "you can't get married until you do ______ and _______ and ________" or my personal favorite stab in the back... "You don't think you are going to get divorced too?" From the lady that divorced one alcoholic and quickly married another alcoholic.

This is the one day of the year that I revisit those words, those looks, and I can feel so much accomplishment and pride and happiness that I have this wonderful family here in my arms. Loving and together.. Happy and sane... )most of the time) we have a roof over our heads, we feed our children healthy meals, they have clothes and go on vacations and we are responsible happy people. I really wasn't expected to be like this 8 years ago. My family saw me as poor, sad Laura. They thought my church was a cult that we gave all our money to, they thought Jacob was dumb (laughable , at best, because he is the smartest man I know.)
I feel like I have accomplished so much to them, and I feel like their eyes have been opened to Jacob and what a wonderful human being he is. Often, I have thought about what it might be like if he ever died suddenly of a heart attack, or was killed in a car crash. I imagined what loneliness to that degree must feel like. If (God forbid) anything ever happened to either of us, I don't think we would be able to cope. My life would be crushed. Jacob once told me that even though people don't really ever speak about it, he loved me more than he loved our children. I can't imagine choosing him or the children, but I do understand what he meant. I would never want to marry anyone else. He is the perfect person for me, despite our differences, and I would always be comparing another person to Jacob.
We love each other more than I can express in a blog, and I am very thankful for the years we have had together and the exciting years to come.
Happy Anniversary, Honey!
We made it!

Tonight BenStedman walked in my door. 

All I heard was little girls screams and wails. 

I felt like I was listening to a very small 1967 Beatles concert. 

Deafening. 

"sigh" for mothers of little girls. 

 

Starting Out

I've been told that I should start Blogging. Should I, now?? Really? And infect the entire web-world with my redundancies and idiocracies ??

Well, HERE I AM WEB WORLD!!! Get ready for an late night, pain filled, alcohol driven, blood sweat tears blog!  Not really, but I like to build you up for what is to come, that way, when you get something kind of stupid for four weeks straight, and then you get something good, you will remember my first post.  "That's what she meant."

I normally have so much going on inside my brain, but am unable to really talk -it- out.  So perhaps this will help me, TALK. IT. OUT.

I have three small children. And that will be all. Sometimes I dream that one day God himself will come down and tell me that magically I have been sperminated and I will have another baby.. but. Jacob has other plans. 

Jacob is my husband. 

And he is the boss. 

Of my uterus. 

He is the oldest of twelve children from Vermont, and he is tired of babies. I really don't blame him but my own selfishness wishes I could have just one MORE. Like drugs, babies make you feel happy and delusional. I want more. I am slowly getting to UNDERSTAND him. we have been married for almost 8 years.  My Aunt Nadine was the oldest of 11 children, and she never had children. Her excuse was that she had already raised 10 children and she didn't want to raise any more. So I get it, and I guess that is what Jacob is feeling too. 

Alas!!

So anyhoo. get ready all you strangers and family-folk.