Someone make it stop.

Have you ever been in the other room, washing dishes or folding clothes or whatever, and heard a screeching car bomb go off in your living room? YEah. I have. It happened when Lily and the other girls wanted to watch this Nickelodeon Movie on Netflix featuring a pubescent boy named FRED. Fred, is, for lack of a better word- completely annoying and horrible. I hear him and sometimes I go off in a day dream of how I want to set him on fire with a flame thrower. And then walk away and be done with him forever.

But Lily LOOOOVVES FRED. Loves him like she has never loved anything in her whole entire four-year-old life. Fred's love interest in the movie is Judy, and he is so doe eyed for her. Every song Fred sings about her and how to win her love and attention. Which in turn, means Lily and her little four-year-old voice sings partial songs about love for a girl named Judy.

There have been many a time when I have been at the grocery store, or library, or for Pete's sake, the church- and Lily has belted out a tune about Judy.

::sigh::

Long Time Coming

Ringing in the New Year comes with past regrets with the old year and new promises for the new year. I've been going through all of these past feelings, and one of them.. is not being honest. Now I am a big advocate for telling the truth, honesty, to have true communion in relationships. But although I have told the truth, it's withholding the true feelings I have that feel like lies. And in that- I should say, I have learned much this past year, and am still learning.

For instance- There is this person, whom I truly love, but hold little respect for. It angers me that I hold these feelings inside and feel so much regret inside myself for not telling them how I feel. Part of me wants to just grab them by the shoulders and shake them and tell them how angry they make me, things they are probably oblivious to, their family is oblivious to, and yet they are prancing around life in a clown suit while everyone pats them on the head saying"aren't they cute?".

Maybe I am just being bitchy about it.

The other part of me know that patience, love, hope and faith last longer that the foolishness that they show, and I should shut my mouth and love them anyway - no matter what they do- and hold true to my own belief system and things happen and you can't change people or circumstances that have happened and you can move on with your life.

Yeah. So I think that this year, I am going to take a backseat more than I have with the anger. Things will become known, and I know they are scared shitless for things they have done to be known- things they don't even know that I know about- to be revealed. But as Christians themselves, they have the knowledge that all things will be revealed, and they will be judged for those things.

I am going to try and just chill out and not worry about it anymore. I think this blog has mostly served the purpose of being a vomit bag for me- to yell about the things I can't say to people's face, to write the feelings that I don't show.

Sorry to bore you so- but I feel like if you don't want to hear it, you can just stop reading whenever! you know?!?! I'm not here to make you laugh or amuse you. I'm here because it is MY blog, not yours.

Also- I'll be blogging more this year. I will probably bitch more, because I am honestly that person that screams inside and holds it in. and I will try to love more, laugh more. Probably not care so much a little more.

YAY 2011!!

One time I had lunch with Christie Steadman, Sara Martin, and Shannon Wells. I remember holding little June as a baby and being in love with her. I don't remember the conversation at the restaurant much, only that it was just whatever we were thinking about the moment.

The one thing that really sticks out in my mind was when we were outside, and someone said something to the effect that if you are Christian, act like it, don't apologize for it, and if that is what you feel step up to the plate. I remember looking at them as they all stared at me . They all knew I was a Christian, and knew the horrible things people have claimed, done, promised, failed in the name of Christianity. I didn't know how to look each one of them in the eye and tell them how honestly I hated how Christians act, felt, and behaved. It is ridiculous, and I own up to that. BUT SHIT I cannot apologize for how fellow Christians have acted like complete asses. Seriously. That is on their own heads, you know. I am only me. I am not Jacob, or Anne, or Beth, or Brandice. Just me. And I am only responsible for my own actions. That is all.

One time it hit me that when I get to heaven, I can't walk up and say "Hey St. Peter- I'm Jacob Senecal's wife. I believe you are expecting me?" Because it won't happen.

You are responsible for your own feelings.

You are responsible for your own thoughts.

You are responsible for your own actions.

Stop blaming others, dumbasses.

And think about what YOU need to do to better YOURSELF.

And Jesus know all of this. Seriously.

This year I am going to learn to forgive that person.

Get over their own insecurities, because I am not responsible for them.

Live my own life. If they have a problem with it, they have to learn how to deal with it themselves and I will gladly help, support and be there if they need me, but I will never put that on myself to feel bad about the fact they are dealing with things that are beyond my control.

I will, however, pray for them, love them, send encouraging things their way, and be nice to them.

I guess what I am saying is, I am working through my own feelings this year instead of being disturbed at others bullshit feelings and feeling bad about it. We all have our own dealings, but until you pull the plank out of your own eye, you can't get the speck out of your brothers, and When I start dealing with what is wrong, then maybe I can start addressing- honestly and openly the other things. I love you dear messed-up person. I hope you get your shit straight in 2011 because I sure am trying to get mine in order.

xoxo,

Laura

p.s. Eric, I really liked your message this morning. I cuss a lot. Not sorry for it. :)

Beans, Greens and Gay farm boys.

I have a new fascination with cable, one show in particular... The Fabulous Beekman Boys. This show makes me feel like Martha Stewart and Omnimedia productions decided to look at the life of a woman like me and make a show JUST for them! This television show makes me feel like someone can read my dreams and make shows from them. When I see Josh and Brent live on this beautiful farm in upstate New York, I can remember the smell of the New England grass when freshly cut, I remember the people and how they never wore make-up, I remember the farmers markets and the culture.

I want a miniature version here at my home. This summer we (and when I say "we", I mean "Jake") have been digging out a lily bed that is waaay overgrown in order to plant some rose bushes and hopefully purple coneflower with black-eyed susans. Lilies will be put in another bed closer to the pond.

We have 2 different kinds of muscadine grapes and a garden spot -(that did horrible this year. ) The grapes seem to have done well despite the rest of the garden, and the basil seems to thrive as well.

Earlier in the Spring we got a truckload of horse manure that must have still been too hot. We added some around the base of the grapes and added some through the dirt of the rest of the garden. Looks like it burned most everything, we added it to but the basil and grapes.

This summer was also a time to start making kombucha again, and it sparked my interest in making kimchi. Fermentation has always been around in our foods, even if we don't know it.. from yogurt to cheese, olives, beer or bread. I read an article about "countertop Culture" - planting, keeping and storing involving fermentation. This is incredibly interesting to me and I find that it is even more interesting than photography. I have started to wonder if I could possibly get a degree in culinary arts now, majoring in green/organic cooking. That seems -- hopeless to me in one sense, and in another sense I see a great need for that in the South.

The more we rely on Wal-Mart and Big Box stores for our fruits, vegetables and milk- the more out of touch we are with the local farmer and the produce that naturally grows in our area. There is so much to learn and we are just tapping into the surface here at our house- we started with kombucha, now we make our own bread, pasta, and shopping at the local farmstand and butcher. I feel better about what I feed my family and am learning that the most delicious dishes in my house involve meatless recipes.

For more information check out the Slow Food Movement and Meatless Mondays. Just choosing one meal a week to be meatless can save money, water, gas, your waistline, and never on taste!

I haven't really slept in two nights.. I'm not sure why, but I have a feeling it has to do with stress.

This means I have an excuse to be short tempered and frustrated and completely look off into space with glazed-over eyes when you talk to me about something I don't care about. That happens a lot. I realize someone is really trying to talk to me about something that happened to them, or they feel a certain way about _______, and I think -- "oh my. I have not been listening. what have they been talking about? Have they asked me questions? I haven't heard any lapses in speech. " Than I start nodding my head in agreement and say .. "Isn't that just life for ya? GOD! "

Maybe I am just getting older, 0r maybe I just need way more sleep.

When Sleep does come, I have Stanley Kubrick dreams. Last night I dreamt that I was having another baby. I had planned on having this baby in a bath tub of an upstairs room that was completely unfinished. I think you could actually see the stars from the tub just by looking upwards. The day came when I started having minor labor pains, and when I sat down to use the bathroom, the baby came out. It was small and wrapped in .. uh.. organs? Wet, red ,.... flesh.

I unwrapped it to see what it was. At first, I thought it was a boy and thought.. FINALLY.. A BOY! but then I realized it was a girl and then thought.. oh my god I have FOUR GIRLS.

She was feisty and alive and chatty. That's right.. chatty. She knew a few words and could say MAMA. I also noticed she had teeth. Like, all of her top teeth. I just gasped and thought how horrible breast feeding would be.

These are my dreams, people.

When I woke up, I realized how sad I was that we aren't having any more children. Jacob was completely done with children after Madeline, but I begged and pleaded to please let me have another. So After Lily was born, he went to the hospital and got him self all fixed up. The conversation went something like this...

Me: " Hey, honey? Let's just go. We haven't paid yet, and we can just leave now and go home. "

Jacob: " No way. We are staying and I am getting this done. "

Me: "whine."

I think I am still mourning this decision. I still secretly wish that I could somehow get pregnant even though he is done. I have heard that it can happen, but seriously doubt it will. Jacob has made valid arguments that my back would not be able to handle another pregnancy, and he is probably right. Even without a job and without being pregnant, I hurt probably every three months. Right now is one of those times.

I picked up Madeline at church on Sunday and I think that was probably the worst decision of the month of May. Not only am I getting ready for Madeline's Magic birthday this Saturday, but it is also Jacob's birthday, and the end of school for the kids, graduation, Spring Art and Dance show, and my back is out. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO CLEAN EVERYTHING so I won't be secretly judged by mothers on Saturday?

I need a maid.

Seasons. They are a Changing.

I realize the last two posts were contradicting of each other, one was a "Wow" and one was a "Pow". In the College group that I am somehow (a God thing) a part of... they do this thing called PowWow. When they asked me to be a part of this group, and help out, I was flattered and jumped at the chance to hang out with the College group at church. Are you kidding me?? Man, an hour (or two, or three!!) without children and be around people who get to sleep and read books and listen to music.. probably music that I like? HELL YES.

So I joined. But then I realized I had sort of bit off more than I can chew. Dealing with a 2 year old like Lily... a job, a husband, a house to clean and those pesky Stedmans to deal with... (kidding BEN! pleasedon'thurtme) and I have two other children too.

So anyway.. they do these icebreakers, and I was already so nervous to even be there, and didn't know anyone, and then they do the POWWOW thing, and I thought I was going to pee in my pants right then and there. But you give a "pow", which is a negative thing that happened this week.. then a "wow" which is a positive thing. I think you understand. If you don't, you shouldn't be reading my blog, you idiot. But I am normally a nervous person, so speaking in front of others in painful to watch.

I started reading the book that went along with the class.. and I am surprised at myself. This book, called SEVEN, by Jeff Cook, has really ministered to me. What a blessing this class has been. (the wow) I feel like God has completely orchestrated the whole thing. It goes over the Bible's "Seven Deadly Sins" and let me tell you.. WOW. This book is amazing. I would encourage it a read for everyone.

So everything has been lacking lately. My proficiency as a wife an mother and house-keeper is all shot to hell. I just can't get everything done. So my expectancy in myself is going down. If I keep high expectations on myself I will just drive me and everyone around me crazy.

My house will be messy. I will forget homework. I might forget to brush my childs hair in the morning. I might be wearing mis-matched socks or need a drink at 3 in the afternoon. But this is the season I am in. And if your expectations of me are higher than this... I will go ahead and tell you that I will let you down. Cause I can't do much better than this.

Little known fact: I LOVE DAVID BOWIE. The Thin White Duke is a little dream of mine. Yes my husband knows. No, I do not rub it in his face. nom nom nom, Bowie.

Little Girl/For Sale/ Going CHEAP.

I will not hurt my kids. I will not hurt my kids. I will not yell at them. I will not yell. I will not scrunch up my face and glare at them. I will not slam my door. I will not stomp off and cry.

Lately Lily and Madeline have been a handful .. no.. a SHOVEL full. A Tractor trailer full. They are amazingly bad. But I refuse to say that Lily is in her "Terrible Twos". I've always tried to be more positive and say the Wonderful Ones, the Terrific Twos, the Thunderous Threes, the Fabulous Fours, Fantastic Fives, and so on. Anne really loves it when I am this positive, but lately it has been hard to be so positive. From pulling up a chair to get magic markers on the counter, or dumping lasagna noodles on the kitchen floor, or whatever... Lily is into everything all the time.

This morning, I had to go to a meeting. I had pictures on the dining room table sorted out from our New England vacation to give to different grandparents. There must have been seven different piles for friends and siblings. When I returned, Jacob was in the kitchen doing dishes and Lily had dumped all the pictures I had sorted out onto the floor. Then she took the salt and pepper shakers and dumped it all over the table. People.. This is ONE thing that she did today. Can I mention the pooping in her panties, unraveling my yarn, painting her nails with fingernail polish, getting handfuls of pringles from the kitchen, opening all the umbrellas and placing them in rooms, still open...

It is 2:40 in the afternoon. That is it. There is still so many hours left in the day to do mischief. So. Many. More. Hours.

I feel like I have been the disciplinarian in our home from the beginning. Jacob is very very patient and very calm and often does not hear what the kids are yelling at each other. Often I will be the one to break up fights or turn the water off or stop the banging. It just doesn't register with him, probably because he was the oldest of so many children in his family and quickly learned how to mentally tune noise out. He goes into his little world and I am left with three screaming children and a mound of Barbie heads.

So.. what do I do? I can't really get Jacob out of his world easily and I cannot keep Lily on a leash. Well, I could, but then all my friends would call me a 'child abuser'. I refuse that sort of ridicule so instead I am struggling to keep my dishes intact. Any time there is a quiet spell, I am immediately tuned into finding Lily. This morning, I found her in our bathroom rummaging through our drawers. She then went into the hallway and marked on the walls. Even though she gets into trouble, she keeps repeating the same acts of disobedience. Sometimes she gets spanked, but I try to just either sit her in time out or tell her "NO! That is NOT the right thing to do." She seems to understand that and will say "okaaay. I sorrrry!"

Maybe she is not getting enough interactive play, whatever it is, I have got to figure it out soon so I will not run away and join Barnum and Bailey Circus. I think there is less face paint and jumping through hoops with them.

p.s.

Also.. Don't get your little panties in a wad. Because if you are reading this, the person I am angry about is not you. Because that person never talks to me. 

There. Glad we settled that. 

Carry on!