That's just Life. And Death.

It's been a long time since I've posted anything. I have sat many a mornings in my quiet spot to think about this, why I've been so distant and not openly spoken about things that have been stirring in my heart. I've called this season in my life The Bummer Summer. I've spent many moments just crying, or pondering why I feel the way I do. Or why I am so angry. Part of this is because of my Dad, and his passing in February, 2 days before my 33rd birthday. In one way, it was so wonderful, his quiet going in the early morning, under heavy sedation, peaceful, quiet, slow and calm. In other ways, I am still really angry for things he had done in the past.. things he Did, and things he DIDN'T do, and he should have. I feel like I really missed out on having a Dad. He was divorced from my Mom when I was about 6, and then he just wasn't around. A couple years later and he was happily married with the love of his life and her two children, which became very close to me. But, in the process of gaining them, I lost him. I .. LOST him. and I could say that was just one thing, and then I could get over it, but honestly, it was a lot more than just that one thing.

I have come to realize since his death that although I loved my Dad very very much, I do not want to be like him, in many ways. I think that sometimes life hands you these cards, and it isn't the hand you are dealt, but how you play them. I was handed a situation , over and over. Depending on my life at that moment, I handled it in different ways. I hope I can handle other things in my life the way that (in my mind) I admire others for. There is me, and then there is this other perception of me that I aspire to be. I hope I can be that person one day. Until then, others will have to have grace, patience, and love for me to learn along the way. I promise to post more upbeat and happy things later. Also, I will read my sisters blog. Maybe in the next few days. xoxoxoxo

WTF??

I know.   Some of you are thinking.. "LAAAAURUUHH!! I know what that 'F' stands for!!" And my answer to you is... "I do too. And I don't care. "

So now that we are passed that... on to thoughts.  Umm.. I'm angry. REAL angry. I have a friend, that acts all pure and sweet, and I think they are actually fooling people to believe this.  I feel angry about this because I just want to be myself, and I want everyone else to know me for who I am. Like an open book. And I get angry when people I know are fooling others, and are not showing others their real self. I want to OUT them, but am learning patience to realize that people will always figure out the real truth in time. You know? It will be known. 

I have the best husband.. I know you are thinking you have the best husband, and my thoughts are... you probably have the best husband for YOU.  But I have the best husband for ME.  We are sitting there the other night, watching TV, and he looks over at me and says " You know what?? You are my home. I mean, we could live anywhere, do anything, but I wouldn't be home unless you were there."   

So I say "Stop it. Where is the tape recorder? I need to tape this. "

And he says "If I didn't have you, I would be Homeless."

And I am thinking to myself.. write this down, Nicolas Sparks... wherever you are.. This is GOLD. I want to see Rachel McAdams little doe eyes sparkle on screen when some hunk says that to her so I can cry with my girlfriends.  

My other thoughts today are.. I let people take advantage of me.. my time, my efforts, my love and patience, and that is all about to S-T-O-P.   I am tired of not taking time for myself and family and instead doing for others. I mean, I love ya'll and all.. but puh-leeze-- it has got to stop. And it will.   Three seconds ago. 

Fall is right around the corner and allergies to go along with it. We already take allergy medicine everyday and it doesn't seem to help much, so I am breaking out the local honey. One teaspoon (or tablespoon,... or 1/2 cup. ) a day and it should ease symptoms of  seasonal allergies. 

That is all.. 

Visitors

There commmmminngg. 

My husbands family is coming. 

Tonight. 

Seven of his siblings... one nephew I haven't met, a sister-in-law I have met, and a cousin. 

This makes me .... ____________. 

a. Nervous and shaky.

b. Happy.

c. Crazy.

d. Excited.

e. Laid-back and relaxed. 

????? You Pick.

The cousin will be here for three months... with us. 

I am trying to keep my mind open and not be psycho-Laura.  Because she is NOT pretty. Just ask my old roommate Jaimee. Poor Poor Jaimee. 

HEY JAIMEE! You wanna get me a margarita?

Laura, Unhinged.

Dear Internet,

Another Day has passed, and another day has come to that point where I am reflective and all the mindless chatter in my brain becomes loud and obnoxious and I am forced to think about the tasks at hand and myself.   I have been ignoring myself lately.... to the point where doing something seems selfish and wrong. I.. after a nice long talk/cry/whimper session with my sister-in-law,  have come to the realization that I need what is called in the normal world as "breaks". These are things you do for yourself so you won't go crazy. They include simple things such as.... taking a nap... going to a bookstore and mindlessly wandering, going on a date, NOT DOING LAUNDRY.

 I know.. they seem very unreasonable and well, frankly, impossible, but people have reassured me that there is this thing, called "balance", and people do it all the time.  Things have become so blurry to me lately, that I find it difficult to drive or talk or  have real emotions. I have thought that possible I am going through a nervous breakdown of sorts, but my husband has assured me it is what he calls "burn out".  I am learning to laugh and cry and think. There will be a moment, and I will simply burst into tears. Most of the time, I can hold it together, and that is when I am very proud of myself. I think on the outside it looks as if I am very stable and approachable. Most of my friends will glide up to me and start joking with me, meanwhile I am nodding my head and smiling at them, joking back and forth, laughing and giving off the impression that all is fine in my world. They will ask me things like "How is your back?" "How is your family?" "Is everyone well in your family?".   I always respond with a reassuring "We are all mending", or "Fine, thank you!".  

That is not the case. I think lately I have been unraveling.  It is very difficult to think that I need to do something for myself. When I finally do force myself to rest or watch TV or write down my thoughts, I am overwhelmed with guilt. Guilt is pouring over me in waves and I become the Mother that cannot do enough to meet everyones needs. I am trying to learn, and the reason that I am writing it down here, is because I am forced to be reminded of the things I learn.  I know I need to let go, I know I need to relax, I know I cannot be all of the things I wish I could be for everyone. I want to be the Mom is is always there, the wife who is forever loving and kind, the friend with the listening ear and smiling face, the sister with the stories and laughter, the daughter with the heart for her parents.  I am realizing I am putting to much on myself. The pressure becomes unbearable, and then I fall apart. Sometimes the falling apart becomes healing and then growing into a  better person.  So .. that is the season I am in at the moment. I am not the person I am suppose to be. I have become unhinged, and am learning how to be the person that most people know and love to be . . . Laura.
For now, I will give you this..
My new song.

Tuesday

I really am this busy. I was going to blog all this stuff I have been saving up for a time, but my life has resembled that of a factory assembly line moving way too fast to accomplish any one task at hand.
Yesterday I was having a bad day. The only good that came out of it was really hearing the good news about my sweet niece getting tests results that were in her favor.
I was going along, plugging away. Even though things seemed to stress me out more as the day was getting older I kept going. That was my clue. I never know when to stop.

I had finally reached the home stretch. I was on my way to pick Jacob up from work, and go home for a nice dinner and relaxing Television. That is when I heard a HOOOOOOOOOOOOONK and then a sudden ::THUD:: . I looked over to see a white van that had come too close to my van and obviously I had my first wreck. I was surprised by not only the wreck but by the sudden action I took in such a mishap. Those that know me would assume that I would either flap my hands around my face uncontrollably, have tears rolling down my face, take on the fetal position, or laugh like a maniac and drive away. Instead, I immediately pulled ahead, got my phone, dialed Jacob's number as I was walking towards to woman behind me, and calmly but pointedly told her how she was clearly in the wrong by pulling out in a place that is not a turn lane, and did she see what that is right there?? NOT a turn lane. Then I told her I would check for damage on my vehicle and come right back. I did all of this before Jacob could say "hello".

Me: "Hey. I'm at the corner of Chisholm and Cox Creek. A lady just hit me. I don't see any damage. I will be late picking you up and will call you back, OKAY?!?!"

Jacob: "whoah, okay.. yeah"

So I go back and tell the visibly shaken woman that there is no damage, and if anything she probably just bumped my mirror. She says she must have hit my tire because she points to all this dark rubber on her white van. She is wiping it away with a baby wipe. It's coming off easily, and for the first time since I stepped out of the car, I relax a little bit. I look around at the rain, the passing cars, how dark it is getting. The other woman is wearing a light grey wraparound knitted jacket. It looks cozy.
Then I look at her window and see the M.O.P.S. sticker on her window. I can only imagine my face, but I say, very slowly.. "are you an Early Arts mom??" She seems even more visibly shaken that I asked her this question, as if Early Arts moms surely aren't making mistakes out here in their super mom vans. She stutters but seems to get out that she is an Early Arts mom and she is head of the MOPS. (Mothers of Pre-Schoolers)
I tell her, as we walk back to my van to check for damage yet again that my children go to Early Arts as well, and open the van door to introduce her to Madeline and Lily. She gets comfortable and tells me that her son Henry is in Lily's class. This is the funny part where I always laugh. My face just froze, and I said "OOHH! HEEENRYY!!! HENRY is the little boy that beats Lily up."

You see, one day Lily came home with a busted chin because HEENRYY pushed her down on the ground. Then a week later, he was swinging a toy around and around in the classroom when Lily just happened to walk by and get smacked in the face by Henry, yet again.

We hugged each other that we were not in a worse accident, and that everything seemed perfect. It was weird that of all the people in Florence driving there that afternoon, we met. The best part was when we were parting and she said "so... Henry hits Lily and I hit you..."