Laura, Unhinged.

Dear Internet,

Another Day has passed, and another day has come to that point where I am reflective and all the mindless chatter in my brain becomes loud and obnoxious and I am forced to think about the tasks at hand and myself.   I have been ignoring myself lately.... to the point where doing something seems selfish and wrong. I.. after a nice long talk/cry/whimper session with my sister-in-law,  have come to the realization that I need what is called in the normal world as "breaks". These are things you do for yourself so you won't go crazy. They include simple things such as.... taking a nap... going to a bookstore and mindlessly wandering, going on a date, NOT DOING LAUNDRY.

 I know.. they seem very unreasonable and well, frankly, impossible, but people have reassured me that there is this thing, called "balance", and people do it all the time.  Things have become so blurry to me lately, that I find it difficult to drive or talk or  have real emotions. I have thought that possible I am going through a nervous breakdown of sorts, but my husband has assured me it is what he calls "burn out".  I am learning to laugh and cry and think. There will be a moment, and I will simply burst into tears. Most of the time, I can hold it together, and that is when I am very proud of myself. I think on the outside it looks as if I am very stable and approachable. Most of my friends will glide up to me and start joking with me, meanwhile I am nodding my head and smiling at them, joking back and forth, laughing and giving off the impression that all is fine in my world. They will ask me things like "How is your back?" "How is your family?" "Is everyone well in your family?".   I always respond with a reassuring "We are all mending", or "Fine, thank you!".  

That is not the case. I think lately I have been unraveling.  It is very difficult to think that I need to do something for myself. When I finally do force myself to rest or watch TV or write down my thoughts, I am overwhelmed with guilt. Guilt is pouring over me in waves and I become the Mother that cannot do enough to meet everyones needs. I am trying to learn, and the reason that I am writing it down here, is because I am forced to be reminded of the things I learn.  I know I need to let go, I know I need to relax, I know I cannot be all of the things I wish I could be for everyone. I want to be the Mom is is always there, the wife who is forever loving and kind, the friend with the listening ear and smiling face, the sister with the stories and laughter, the daughter with the heart for her parents.  I am realizing I am putting to much on myself. The pressure becomes unbearable, and then I fall apart. Sometimes the falling apart becomes healing and then growing into a  better person.  So .. that is the season I am in at the moment. I am not the person I am suppose to be. I have become unhinged, and am learning how to be the person that most people know and love to be . . . Laura.
For now, I will give you this..
My new song.

Happy Birthday, Brother.

Today is my Brother-In-Laws birthday. Not just ANY birthday.. he turns 30.  

There will be partying and hooray-ing and high fives and lots of shenanigans.  But I am a loser of a sister and am not going to the party. I sent my husband with things, and I am staying home with all of the coughing kids and fire to take care of. 

I can just imagine all of the fun they are having.  The last time I went to Brandice's for a party, there were pranks, yelling, some wrestling, and other things that she might not like me to post here.  :) 

Ben, I hope you are having a super fun party and just know that one day our kids will be all grown up and we can go celebrate as much as we want!! How fun will that be?!?! Happy Birthday, Ben, you old goose. 

Dear God, please take the curse off my house so we can all get better.  THAAAANK YOOU!

Several times this week, I have opened a new page on my computer, to write a new post. 

Every single time, I ended up closing it, and doing something else.  I feel very put-out lately, with the many many things I have to do. I also feel overwhelmed and frustrated because all the things I want to do, I cannot. 

I am trying to pace myself, but I feel eager like a kid on a free candy-spree. I need to mop!! Oh and do the dishes! and start the rice for dinner!! and put more wood on the fire! and I really need to call that person back.. 

It seems overwhelming right now, for some reason. 

Madeline and Lily and I are still coughing. The other night, Ben Stedman was over here, and he heard me struggling with the coughing fits. Then he called me a SARS-monkey.  I laughed but inside I wanted to punch him in the face. I am so glad Aaron is around now, because he told me this morning about a time when Ben didn't stop coughing for a MONTH.  I can't wait to throw that back in his face. 

Cough it in his face. 

HeeHee.

Happy New Year, Internet!

This is the last day of the year. 

The day when we get all dressed up, buy a bottle of champagne and go somewhere to celebrate the New Year. 

Well, at least that is what MOST people do. 

Last year, we had a nice party here at our house.  We played party games, had delicious food and laughed hysterically at other 

peoples New Years Resolutions. 

This year, we are taking down Christmas decorations and getting ready for family that is visiting in about a week from Vermont. I feel like the biggest bozo for not getting a babysitter or at least doing something for my friends here at the house like last year. There just seems to be so much to do and so little time to get it done. 

And since all the kids have been sick for so long, I want to keep them in. 

They all have ear infections, 

and are all on anti-biotics. 

So to all of you out there with your black sparkly cocktail dresses and hairspray and fancy shirts... Happy New Year to you!  And to all of those Ladies like me... who are in their jammies and have their hair up in a ponytail and are surrounded by clean laundry that needs to be folded... Here's a glass to you.. may your laundry get folded, may your children sleep all night.. and may all your dust bunnies flee.

Happy New Year. 

Keep your murderous rage in check.

This Christmas has been the most stressful Christmas in  FOREVER. From Thanksgiving, to what will be New Years, we have been sick at my house. First, getting the stomach flu (which no one else got thankyouGod) then Lily getting the croup, Madeline getting an ear infection, and now on the heels of that, Anne is very sick. 

I am not sure what she is suffering from, but she has a temperature over 102 almost every night three nights in a row and her throat hurts. We have been babying her and giving her lots of whole foods and drinks to ease it, but she is still sick. 

This just in.. Lily now has a fever...

Not being able to really go out and buy gifts, I have been making many gifts this year. I crocheted little hats for my nieces, made pillows and bows and cross-stitched. It reminded me of this web-site that I used to visit to laugh for a while whenever I was down.

 It's called Subversive cross-stitch, and it was born from a woman named Julie Jackson. She was trying to quit smoking and her mother bought her a cross-stitch book to keep her mind busy away from how angry she was at the world.  I used to smoke some when I was a teenager, and I have to admit, I understand where she is coming from. Addictions to anything can make you a cranky loser to be around. I think there have been times when I was denied eating salad for a few days and it wasn't a pretty picture of a loving wife and mother. Jacob might say "horrible fire-breathing beast" but he isn't the one writing this, is he?!?

Subversive Cross stitch might say all the things you want to say to people, but don't have to. I have to say, it is much more therapeutic to cross-stitch these thoughts out then to say them. And afterwards, you have a comical dish towel to display when douche-y friends come over. 

I can think of some more things to cross-stitch but I don't really feel like typing them out on here. 

Maybe I'll just start cross-stitching them out......

xoxoxo,

Laura

The Worst way to Lose 8 pounds.

Is by having the stomach Flu. 

That will MESS. YOU. UP.  

Benstedman called me a while ago and started asking me all these questions about the stomach flu. I didn't have the heart to tell him that I was hoping this one last nap will help me get over it and he just interrupted it after only 15 minutes of me falling asleep. 

I also didn't tell him that the only way I could sleep the past three nights was if I took a Tylenol PM to knock me out. Then the pain wakes me up again at 3 a.m. where I toss and turn until I finally get some more tylenol in the morning when my superman husband gets it for me. Jacob really has been a trooper. He held me when I threw up, got me those little wet washcloths, helped me back in bed... got his brother to bring me gingerale.  

I remember the last time the Stomach flu went through our house. It was 2005, and it was when we lived in Vermont. All I remember is Anne dry heaving and poor itty bitty Madeline living in our bath tub. She didn't want to get out. Just lay in the bath tub and moan. 

It was the saddest thing ever.

Thankfully, this time it seems to have only hit me. But it hit me hard. 

"I haven't been this sick since 2003!!", I thought to myself. That was when I was pregnant with Madeline and I thought Jacob and I were going to die. We packed a little bag of things for Anne, crawled back in bed, called Caleb, and went to sleep. A little while later we heard Caleb come in and get Anne and take her to Jacob's parents for a few days. 

I hope everyone gets well and no one else gets sick! It is no fun being sick. It is also no fun being the person who is well and cannot rightfully make fun of your sick friend out of respect. It is also not fun to be the well person taking care of sick person. 

Friday night, I went through a hellish ordeal of getting my picture made while in the throws of a migraine.  Yes.   But not only that... I did it with my Whole. F' ing. Family. 

No, Really. 

AAAANNDD.. we did it at dinner time. You can imagine the cranky children, the screams, the candy thrown in their mouths, the air sucked from the room as everyone sighs, the fake smiles from having to be in the same room with everyone.  

I look especially glorious, thanks to the medication I took as soon as I got to my Dads. I lay on the floor of the van the whole 2 hours down to Birmingham with Anne's thick Lands End jacket on my head to block out the light.. When we got there, I made Jacob go to the Wal-Mart parking lot to take our Obama 08 sticker off the back of the van so my Father and Step-mother wouldn't think I was a satanist. That's when I took a Lorcet Plus. Man, oh Man. That stuff was potent!! I fell asleep for 30 minutes and then got up to get ready for pictures. When I came downstairs my Dad said "well.. you look...  alive!" HAHA. Yes. I was walking. With my eyes open.  When we got to the picture place, it was all I could do to just stay nice. It was raining. There were 17 other families getting their picture made and the picture people were WAY behind.. so we got to wait .... OUTSIDE!

Anyway, by the time we got our pictures made, It was the girls bedtime. We were hungry, tired, and I was out of my mind. You can actually see it on the pictures. I am straining a smile on my face as my dark circled eyes try to stay open long enough to see a flash. 

This one is my favorite:

It shows my Dad looking pretty frustrated that Lily hasn't eaten any supper,

 and is a two year old and is being told to sit and smile nicely. 

This one also makes me chuckle. Lily has almost gotten

 away from my step-mothers grasp.

HAHA. In this one.. everyone.. is forcing a smile.. IF they are smiling. 

My kids look bored.

I love out-takes.

Look at her! Man!! She is really making Momma proud with that 10,ooo watt smile of hers. 

She is like "I am gonna smile no matter how much screaming is going on behind me!"

I laughed at this one as well, because my two older girls looked scared. You can tell I have threatened them under my breath to shut up and smile.

That was my after-Thanksgiving family get-together.  After two days of not eating from migraines, I ate a couple of meals and then got the Stomach flu! It was probably all connected. Correction.. I ate a butt-load of spinach-artichoke dip on Thanksgiving day.

I love you, Brandice. Thank you for making that yummers salad. That is the only thing  ate today.. and the first thing I had in two days!!    ::WEEEEEE:::