The Blessings in Life

Today I cleaned up after breakfast and did something most mothers never do.

I stopped.

I looked around, I took a drew a deep breath of quiet air and said "Thank You Jesus." My living room was freshly vacuumed, new Spring tulips gently bowing in a glass vase on the table, no toys, shoes, dirty socks or jump ropes laying about. This may seem so insignificant a thing to post about, but for me, it is exuberant. My home is almost never clean; living with three little girls, there is almost always a barbie head or barbie book laying out.

And in all honesty... Its only one room. The other rooms have dirty clothes or coloring sheets of half-colored princes and queens peeking out from under the couch or bed. But I am blessed by this one room with blue walls and soft couch that relaxes me when it's clean.

Today I'm thankful for the quiet- children off to school and tv turned off. Birds tweeting and gathering for the nests they are making in my trees and bushes. Fresh coffee and farm milk. Soft carpet.

This makes a morning.

That's just Life. And Death.

It's been a long time since I've posted anything. I have sat many a mornings in my quiet spot to think about this, why I've been so distant and not openly spoken about things that have been stirring in my heart. I've called this season in my life The Bummer Summer. I've spent many moments just crying, or pondering why I feel the way I do. Or why I am so angry. Part of this is because of my Dad, and his passing in February, 2 days before my 33rd birthday. In one way, it was so wonderful, his quiet going in the early morning, under heavy sedation, peaceful, quiet, slow and calm. In other ways, I am still really angry for things he had done in the past.. things he Did, and things he DIDN'T do, and he should have. I feel like I really missed out on having a Dad. He was divorced from my Mom when I was about 6, and then he just wasn't around. A couple years later and he was happily married with the love of his life and her two children, which became very close to me. But, in the process of gaining them, I lost him. I .. LOST him. and I could say that was just one thing, and then I could get over it, but honestly, it was a lot more than just that one thing.

I have come to realize since his death that although I loved my Dad very very much, I do not want to be like him, in many ways. I think that sometimes life hands you these cards, and it isn't the hand you are dealt, but how you play them. I was handed a situation , over and over. Depending on my life at that moment, I handled it in different ways. I hope I can handle other things in my life the way that (in my mind) I admire others for. There is me, and then there is this other perception of me that I aspire to be. I hope I can be that person one day. Until then, others will have to have grace, patience, and love for me to learn along the way. I promise to post more upbeat and happy things later. Also, I will read my sisters blog. Maybe in the next few days. xoxoxoxo

Someone make it stop.

Have you ever been in the other room, washing dishes or folding clothes or whatever, and heard a screeching car bomb go off in your living room? YEah. I have. It happened when Lily and the other girls wanted to watch this Nickelodeon Movie on Netflix featuring a pubescent boy named FRED. Fred, is, for lack of a better word- completely annoying and horrible. I hear him and sometimes I go off in a day dream of how I want to set him on fire with a flame thrower. And then walk away and be done with him forever.

But Lily LOOOOVVES FRED. Loves him like she has never loved anything in her whole entire four-year-old life. Fred's love interest in the movie is Judy, and he is so doe eyed for her. Every song Fred sings about her and how to win her love and attention. Which in turn, means Lily and her little four-year-old voice sings partial songs about love for a girl named Judy.

There have been many a time when I have been at the grocery store, or library, or for Pete's sake, the church- and Lily has belted out a tune about Judy.

::sigh::

Priorities, Priorities.

Every Day, I want to write. Then, every day, I don't write. I make to-do lists, get a clean shirt, wash little hands, unload the dishwasher, load it again, fold that laundry and find that missing shoe under the bed. So today, the rainy, gloomy, get-back-in-bed day is going to turn into a get-something-accomplished day. :) This morning, my 4 year old reminded me that we have a movie called "How To Train Your Dragon", and even though she has watched it several times already and is scared to watch it alone, she wants to watch it again.

Today.

With You.

And Popcorn.

So you can't get anything accomplished.

So I did. Sometimes, even though you have a mile high list of things to do, you have to stop, put your arms around a little bitty kid and watch a movie with them, and of course, eat their popcorn. It was nice because honestly.. I really do not spend enough time with my children. They go to public school, come home, and then I am usually busy making dinner or cleaning to really engage with them. I have tried to go on mini dates with my daughters, sitting with them at dinner and talking to them about little things that we never seem to have the momentum to talk about. Depending on who you are with depends on where you go. Anne always wants to go to Rosies. Madeline will want to go to McDonalds. Lily will want to go to Chuck-E-Cheese.

I am going to try to really engage with my children, on a nice level, not a mean, scowling, clean your room or I will spank you level. Because lately that is how I've been operating. Just, please for my sanity sake- clean your room. Or clean something, because if I step on one more lego, mama is going to lose her ever lovin' mind and nobody wants to see that again.

One morning, when things got quiet, I made myself a grilled-cheese sandwich with tomato, and I walked over to my window, put my feet on the air vent to warm them, and ate my sandwich while I watched the birds. I know I sound like an 84- year old, but it made me think about the small comforts in my day. I want to write more, and every time I write, I will add the small comfort I found for myself. Other Mothers who read this know about those Small Comforts, the ones that do not come often enough and those that we need more of.

Today's comfort was getting back in bed and stretching- arching my lower back and raising my arms above my head, reaching my toes down where the bed is cooler and the sheets are tucked in. Having those five minutes of stretching relaxed me and helped me to be in a calmer state to handle whatever my 4 year old decided to surprise me with in the next few hours.

I want to do more exercise-oriented stretching/moving/relaxing in my routine. I've been thinking a lot about zumba, because I have a friend that teaches it up North and just goes on and on about how awesome it feels. I looked it up and this is what I found:

This does not look like what I thought it would look like. I thought Zumba was more of a .. African drum dancing thing. This looks like everyone is doing Michael Jackson's Thriller Dance. If we are going to prance around like the zombies in Thriller then sign. me. up.

Long Time Coming

Ringing in the New Year comes with past regrets with the old year and new promises for the new year. I've been going through all of these past feelings, and one of them.. is not being honest. Now I am a big advocate for telling the truth, honesty, to have true communion in relationships. But although I have told the truth, it's withholding the true feelings I have that feel like lies. And in that- I should say, I have learned much this past year, and am still learning.

For instance- There is this person, whom I truly love, but hold little respect for. It angers me that I hold these feelings inside and feel so much regret inside myself for not telling them how I feel. Part of me wants to just grab them by the shoulders and shake them and tell them how angry they make me, things they are probably oblivious to, their family is oblivious to, and yet they are prancing around life in a clown suit while everyone pats them on the head saying"aren't they cute?".

Maybe I am just being bitchy about it.

The other part of me know that patience, love, hope and faith last longer that the foolishness that they show, and I should shut my mouth and love them anyway - no matter what they do- and hold true to my own belief system and things happen and you can't change people or circumstances that have happened and you can move on with your life.

Yeah. So I think that this year, I am going to take a backseat more than I have with the anger. Things will become known, and I know they are scared shitless for things they have done to be known- things they don't even know that I know about- to be revealed. But as Christians themselves, they have the knowledge that all things will be revealed, and they will be judged for those things.

I am going to try and just chill out and not worry about it anymore. I think this blog has mostly served the purpose of being a vomit bag for me- to yell about the things I can't say to people's face, to write the feelings that I don't show.

Sorry to bore you so- but I feel like if you don't want to hear it, you can just stop reading whenever! you know?!?! I'm not here to make you laugh or amuse you. I'm here because it is MY blog, not yours.

Also- I'll be blogging more this year. I will probably bitch more, because I am honestly that person that screams inside and holds it in. and I will try to love more, laugh more. Probably not care so much a little more.

YAY 2011!!

One time I had lunch with Christie Steadman, Sara Martin, and Shannon Wells. I remember holding little June as a baby and being in love with her. I don't remember the conversation at the restaurant much, only that it was just whatever we were thinking about the moment.

The one thing that really sticks out in my mind was when we were outside, and someone said something to the effect that if you are Christian, act like it, don't apologize for it, and if that is what you feel step up to the plate. I remember looking at them as they all stared at me . They all knew I was a Christian, and knew the horrible things people have claimed, done, promised, failed in the name of Christianity. I didn't know how to look each one of them in the eye and tell them how honestly I hated how Christians act, felt, and behaved. It is ridiculous, and I own up to that. BUT SHIT I cannot apologize for how fellow Christians have acted like complete asses. Seriously. That is on their own heads, you know. I am only me. I am not Jacob, or Anne, or Beth, or Brandice. Just me. And I am only responsible for my own actions. That is all.

One time it hit me that when I get to heaven, I can't walk up and say "Hey St. Peter- I'm Jacob Senecal's wife. I believe you are expecting me?" Because it won't happen.

You are responsible for your own feelings.

You are responsible for your own thoughts.

You are responsible for your own actions.

Stop blaming others, dumbasses.

And think about what YOU need to do to better YOURSELF.

And Jesus know all of this. Seriously.

This year I am going to learn to forgive that person.

Get over their own insecurities, because I am not responsible for them.

Live my own life. If they have a problem with it, they have to learn how to deal with it themselves and I will gladly help, support and be there if they need me, but I will never put that on myself to feel bad about the fact they are dealing with things that are beyond my control.

I will, however, pray for them, love them, send encouraging things their way, and be nice to them.

I guess what I am saying is, I am working through my own feelings this year instead of being disturbed at others bullshit feelings and feeling bad about it. We all have our own dealings, but until you pull the plank out of your own eye, you can't get the speck out of your brothers, and When I start dealing with what is wrong, then maybe I can start addressing- honestly and openly the other things. I love you dear messed-up person. I hope you get your shit straight in 2011 because I sure am trying to get mine in order.

xoxo,

Laura

p.s. Eric, I really liked your message this morning. I cuss a lot. Not sorry for it. :)

Beans, Greens and Gay farm boys.

I have a new fascination with cable, one show in particular... The Fabulous Beekman Boys. This show makes me feel like Martha Stewart and Omnimedia productions decided to look at the life of a woman like me and make a show JUST for them! This television show makes me feel like someone can read my dreams and make shows from them. When I see Josh and Brent live on this beautiful farm in upstate New York, I can remember the smell of the New England grass when freshly cut, I remember the people and how they never wore make-up, I remember the farmers markets and the culture.

I want a miniature version here at my home. This summer we (and when I say "we", I mean "Jake") have been digging out a lily bed that is waaay overgrown in order to plant some rose bushes and hopefully purple coneflower with black-eyed susans. Lilies will be put in another bed closer to the pond.

We have 2 different kinds of muscadine grapes and a garden spot -(that did horrible this year. ) The grapes seem to have done well despite the rest of the garden, and the basil seems to thrive as well.

Earlier in the Spring we got a truckload of horse manure that must have still been too hot. We added some around the base of the grapes and added some through the dirt of the rest of the garden. Looks like it burned most everything, we added it to but the basil and grapes.

This summer was also a time to start making kombucha again, and it sparked my interest in making kimchi. Fermentation has always been around in our foods, even if we don't know it.. from yogurt to cheese, olives, beer or bread. I read an article about "countertop Culture" - planting, keeping and storing involving fermentation. This is incredibly interesting to me and I find that it is even more interesting than photography. I have started to wonder if I could possibly get a degree in culinary arts now, majoring in green/organic cooking. That seems -- hopeless to me in one sense, and in another sense I see a great need for that in the South.

The more we rely on Wal-Mart and Big Box stores for our fruits, vegetables and milk- the more out of touch we are with the local farmer and the produce that naturally grows in our area. There is so much to learn and we are just tapping into the surface here at our house- we started with kombucha, now we make our own bread, pasta, and shopping at the local farmstand and butcher. I feel better about what I feed my family and am learning that the most delicious dishes in my house involve meatless recipes.

For more information check out the Slow Food Movement and Meatless Mondays. Just choosing one meal a week to be meatless can save money, water, gas, your waistline, and never on taste!

Tootsie

I've never been one of those girls that cherished things of yonder days. I have always tried to live in the now, because I can't change the past, and I don't really want to think that I am anything like my parents or grandparents. I feel like I am a part of a new and exciting generation, one that has learned more than my ancestors could ever have imagined possible.

Then, a couple of weeks ago, my dear Grandmother passed away, and it forced me to think of things that I have pressed back behind me for fear it would teach me a lesson in my rebellious attitude.

It did.

I learned so much from my Grandmother, and without her taking to time and energy to spend quality time with me, I would not be the woman I am today.

She taught me how to cook. I watched as she would pour her cornbread batter into the hot skillet, making crackling noises and smelling delicious.

She canned fruit and vegetables and started my curiosity with making my own food. It started when I lived in Vermont, when I didn't know how to cook and tried to re-create her chicken stew. From there it blossomed into a passion of mine.

She fed this little three legged squirrel for the longest time. Until one day it just didn't come back. We probably fed it leftover cornbread or biscuits. I remember it being so fun.

She took me fishing. This by far was a very fond memory for me. She had a little boat with a trolly motor and she and I would scoot around on the Tennessee River together. I would dig all over for worms and she taught me how to bait my hook.

When my husband and I wanted to buy a home and settle down, we looked for a home off the beaten path, a home with a woodsy feel near water. I often thought of my Granparents home in Killen, where I had so many good memories with her. Now I listen to the birds that I remember hearing at her home because we settled in Florence, right beside Killen, in a woodsy home near water.

Driving around Florence, I remember the places we went together and the memories we made when I would visit with her in the summers.

Looking back, I have no regrets. I feel blessed that I was able to live and learn from her and her way of life. She will always hold a special place in my heart.

Here's to you, Tootsie! Cheers. I Love you.

Not SO FAST!!!

Last night we all went to the Mega grocery store, all three girls and Jacob. After we got our food items I wandered over to the clothing section to check out any deals there might be for the upcoming school year. This Fall, both Anne and Madeline will be going off to Big Girl School and only Lily will be home with me. Her preschool starts later and gets out earlier. I like that I will have this small amount of time just with her. My girls are growing up so fast, and honestly, I don't like it. I am disgusted with people when they say "Kids grow up so fast!". I just want to punch their face right through the computer. Yeah! That's what people do! GROW. When you feed them.

Now I find myself groaning with the thought of the girls going to the next grade, thinking about how they will daydream about boys, remembering how they were when they were Lily's age. The other day I walked down the hall and paused to find Lily in the bathroom, standing on a little chair, on her tippy toes, brushing her teeth all by herself. She could barely see herself in the mirror. That is when I realized how big she has gotten this summer. Sigh.

In the grocery store I bought Anne and Madeline some new underwear. That is when Madeline started whining about something she wanted. I looked over. Ohmygosh the bras. BRAS, people! I had my own money to spend and I thought I would indulge them and let them feel grown and important. So, I found the littlest tiniest little bras for little people and I bought 3 for 9$.

Madeline RUNS up to Jacob, SCREAMING "Dad I got a BRA! We got BRAS!!!" and then Anne chimes in and Lily is screaming and it is a little chorus of small children screaming about bras. Jacob looks at me, and says in the most exasperated tone "I don't want to know!".

Knowing this would probably give Jacob more gray hairs, I had the girls put on their bras when they got home and show them to Jacob. :)

Raisin' em right means: Making Mama a Hotdog.

Imitation is the most sincere form of flattery.. is that a correct quote? I'm not sure where it came from, but sometimes it can be flattery, enlightening, or just plain mean. Today, I woke up in a rare good mood, (not being a morning person by nature..) so I decided to be just plain mean to Jacob. :)

I followed him around the house mimicking everything he did.. it was as if I had turned into a ten year old, the opposite of Tom Hanks in BIG.

Jacob: "What are you going to do today?"

Me: " What are YOU going to do today?"

Jacob: " I'm going to be moving files ."

Me: "well, I'M going to be moving piles. of laundry. "

He puts on his deodorant, I do it. He brushes his teeth, so do I. I just followed him around and did everything he did - at the time he did it - just to see what he would do.

At first he was all : heystopitthat'snotcoolLaura but in the end I think he liked the attention.

After he went to work I went to work in the kitchen doing the dishes, making my children hotdogs at 9:30, sweeping, prepping a chicken for dinner.. WHY YES I am making hot dogs at 9:30 am.. because Mama wanted a hotdog for breakfast. I think I am going to start a tumblr account and name it "HotDogs For Breakfast", because lets face it America. This is who we are.

So I'm in there and I hear the girls in the living room playing with each other and they are pretending to be Mama and Baby.

I love hearing this because: A.) They never ever play together unless they are trying to kill each other. and B.) Madeline was me. She was.. pretending to be me, and saying things she thought I would say. The mimicking was now all about me and I must say it is not always cool to hear your 6 year old yell at your 3 year old. Madeline screamed

"Where is your sister? WHERE IS SHE!!??"

I sort of laughed and cringed on the inside. So I really sound like that? When do I ever yell tha..... OHHHHH YEAH. Sometimes Lily will escape and try to go outside and that is a big NO NO in my house. You can't just go outside by YOURSELF! What if one of those gross turkey buzzards that fly around comes over and picks up my baby and scoops her away to the Dump?-- or worse--- a tick gets on you.

EEEEEEEEWWWWWWW.

I just heard Lily say "Mama I'm huuuungry. " Madeline went through the motions of trying to get her something to eat. Finally I heard Madeline reply.. "(sigh) I'll get you some water. "

I think I am going to go in there and reward her with another hotdog.

Sleeping better!!!

Hooray for Melatonin! I've used it before but never really thought it was helping much. Now it seems to work every time! I've suffered with insomnia since I was a young child and I find melatonin to be a safe, natural and inexpensive trick.

School is almost out for everyone.. Madeline and Lily stay home with me now and we are just waiting for Anne's final days to be over with. Having a schedule where children are gone certain days and at certain times and working around those times-seems to fall in step as we march through the year. This is the part of the year when all the marching in step sees a stop sign up ahead and you are getting ready to halt the whole platoon. It can be frustrating getting things wrapped up, but I always looked forward to having my babies at home with me all summer. We have all sorts of things planned to make our summer fun.. and cheap. The local Library has something prepared for every day of the week. We will definitely be attending Yummy Stories on Saturdays and we might try out Smart Arts and the Science / Deep Sea days. Plus, BF Jaimee works there and we always want to see her face and hug her neck. The children's librarian, Jessica and Mr. Chris, are the best. They are always enthusiastic and loving and kind. (and FUN!!!)

Once day I decided to take the girls to a little sandy cove off the Tennessee River at MacFarland Park. I didn't tell them where we were going, only that it was a surprise. They know refer to the sandy spot as "surprise beach". Although a little smelly at times (fishy), we see majestic herons, paddle wheel boats floating by, watch locals fishing, and the girls are getting a great experience of growing up at the river the way I did when I visited my Grandmother here as a young girl.

The Splash Pad here is where we spent most of our summer last year. I brought the chairs, some capri suns, and just chilled for a couple of hours. It was the best find in this area for fun, free things to do with children during the summer.

Today, Jacob and I went out to our garden and worked before he headed to the office. I dug up the bed of half-grown wilted spinach and after getting most of the ground weeded, I planted some sunflower seeds. I weeded to tomatoes and peas, the herbs (basils, dill) and cucumbers. I was so pleased to notice all the beautiful fat earthworms digging around where I was weeding. At one point I reached my hands into the soil only to scream as I pulled out a blue skink who was indeed one of the largest I have seen. He was startled too and ran for the nearest log to hide under.

Afterwards I got ready to go for a ride in the country with Betsy Ranier to Goose Pond Farms. They are an organic free-range and environmentally-conscious farm that sell beef, chickens and lamb. Betsy had ordered some chickens and went to pick them up -and I thought I would tag along since I am interested in buying things locally and that are good for my family. Betsy said that since the chickens are free to eat a diet that is open and free they have a higher content of Omega Fatty Acids.

She ended up giving me two that had been in her freezer and I am excited to cook them with fresh rosemary, mushrooms and lemons.

I leave you with some pics of the nice sandy spot we visited on Mothers Day.. the surprise beach.