That's just Life. And Death.

It's been a long time since I've posted anything. I have sat many a mornings in my quiet spot to think about this, why I've been so distant and not openly spoken about things that have been stirring in my heart. I've called this season in my life The Bummer Summer. I've spent many moments just crying, or pondering why I feel the way I do. Or why I am so angry. Part of this is because of my Dad, and his passing in February, 2 days before my 33rd birthday. In one way, it was so wonderful, his quiet going in the early morning, under heavy sedation, peaceful, quiet, slow and calm. In other ways, I am still really angry for things he had done in the past.. things he Did, and things he DIDN'T do, and he should have. I feel like I really missed out on having a Dad. He was divorced from my Mom when I was about 6, and then he just wasn't around. A couple years later and he was happily married with the love of his life and her two children, which became very close to me. But, in the process of gaining them, I lost him. I .. LOST him. and I could say that was just one thing, and then I could get over it, but honestly, it was a lot more than just that one thing.

I have come to realize since his death that although I loved my Dad very very much, I do not want to be like him, in many ways. I think that sometimes life hands you these cards, and it isn't the hand you are dealt, but how you play them. I was handed a situation , over and over. Depending on my life at that moment, I handled it in different ways. I hope I can handle other things in my life the way that (in my mind) I admire others for. There is me, and then there is this other perception of me that I aspire to be. I hope I can be that person one day. Until then, others will have to have grace, patience, and love for me to learn along the way. I promise to post more upbeat and happy things later. Also, I will read my sisters blog. Maybe in the next few days. xoxoxoxo

Someone make it stop.

Have you ever been in the other room, washing dishes or folding clothes or whatever, and heard a screeching car bomb go off in your living room? YEah. I have. It happened when Lily and the other girls wanted to watch this Nickelodeon Movie on Netflix featuring a pubescent boy named FRED. Fred, is, for lack of a better word- completely annoying and horrible. I hear him and sometimes I go off in a day dream of how I want to set him on fire with a flame thrower. And then walk away and be done with him forever.

But Lily LOOOOVVES FRED. Loves him like she has never loved anything in her whole entire four-year-old life. Fred's love interest in the movie is Judy, and he is so doe eyed for her. Every song Fred sings about her and how to win her love and attention. Which in turn, means Lily and her little four-year-old voice sings partial songs about love for a girl named Judy.

There have been many a time when I have been at the grocery store, or library, or for Pete's sake, the church- and Lily has belted out a tune about Judy.

::sigh::

Priorities, Priorities.

Every Day, I want to write. Then, every day, I don't write. I make to-do lists, get a clean shirt, wash little hands, unload the dishwasher, load it again, fold that laundry and find that missing shoe under the bed. So today, the rainy, gloomy, get-back-in-bed day is going to turn into a get-something-accomplished day. :) This morning, my 4 year old reminded me that we have a movie called "How To Train Your Dragon", and even though she has watched it several times already and is scared to watch it alone, she wants to watch it again.

Today.

With You.

And Popcorn.

So you can't get anything accomplished.

So I did. Sometimes, even though you have a mile high list of things to do, you have to stop, put your arms around a little bitty kid and watch a movie with them, and of course, eat their popcorn. It was nice because honestly.. I really do not spend enough time with my children. They go to public school, come home, and then I am usually busy making dinner or cleaning to really engage with them. I have tried to go on mini dates with my daughters, sitting with them at dinner and talking to them about little things that we never seem to have the momentum to talk about. Depending on who you are with depends on where you go. Anne always wants to go to Rosies. Madeline will want to go to McDonalds. Lily will want to go to Chuck-E-Cheese.

I am going to try to really engage with my children, on a nice level, not a mean, scowling, clean your room or I will spank you level. Because lately that is how I've been operating. Just, please for my sanity sake- clean your room. Or clean something, because if I step on one more lego, mama is going to lose her ever lovin' mind and nobody wants to see that again.

One morning, when things got quiet, I made myself a grilled-cheese sandwich with tomato, and I walked over to my window, put my feet on the air vent to warm them, and ate my sandwich while I watched the birds. I know I sound like an 84- year old, but it made me think about the small comforts in my day. I want to write more, and every time I write, I will add the small comfort I found for myself. Other Mothers who read this know about those Small Comforts, the ones that do not come often enough and those that we need more of.

Today's comfort was getting back in bed and stretching- arching my lower back and raising my arms above my head, reaching my toes down where the bed is cooler and the sheets are tucked in. Having those five minutes of stretching relaxed me and helped me to be in a calmer state to handle whatever my 4 year old decided to surprise me with in the next few hours.

I want to do more exercise-oriented stretching/moving/relaxing in my routine. I've been thinking a lot about zumba, because I have a friend that teaches it up North and just goes on and on about how awesome it feels. I looked it up and this is what I found:

This does not look like what I thought it would look like. I thought Zumba was more of a .. African drum dancing thing. This looks like everyone is doing Michael Jackson's Thriller Dance. If we are going to prance around like the zombies in Thriller then sign. me. up.

Long Time Coming

Ringing in the New Year comes with past regrets with the old year and new promises for the new year. I've been going through all of these past feelings, and one of them.. is not being honest. Now I am a big advocate for telling the truth, honesty, to have true communion in relationships. But although I have told the truth, it's withholding the true feelings I have that feel like lies. And in that- I should say, I have learned much this past year, and am still learning.

For instance- There is this person, whom I truly love, but hold little respect for. It angers me that I hold these feelings inside and feel so much regret inside myself for not telling them how I feel. Part of me wants to just grab them by the shoulders and shake them and tell them how angry they make me, things they are probably oblivious to, their family is oblivious to, and yet they are prancing around life in a clown suit while everyone pats them on the head saying"aren't they cute?".

Maybe I am just being bitchy about it.

The other part of me know that patience, love, hope and faith last longer that the foolishness that they show, and I should shut my mouth and love them anyway - no matter what they do- and hold true to my own belief system and things happen and you can't change people or circumstances that have happened and you can move on with your life.

Yeah. So I think that this year, I am going to take a backseat more than I have with the anger. Things will become known, and I know they are scared shitless for things they have done to be known- things they don't even know that I know about- to be revealed. But as Christians themselves, they have the knowledge that all things will be revealed, and they will be judged for those things.

I am going to try and just chill out and not worry about it anymore. I think this blog has mostly served the purpose of being a vomit bag for me- to yell about the things I can't say to people's face, to write the feelings that I don't show.

Sorry to bore you so- but I feel like if you don't want to hear it, you can just stop reading whenever! you know?!?! I'm not here to make you laugh or amuse you. I'm here because it is MY blog, not yours.

Also- I'll be blogging more this year. I will probably bitch more, because I am honestly that person that screams inside and holds it in. and I will try to love more, laugh more. Probably not care so much a little more.

YAY 2011!!

One time I had lunch with Christie Steadman, Sara Martin, and Shannon Wells. I remember holding little June as a baby and being in love with her. I don't remember the conversation at the restaurant much, only that it was just whatever we were thinking about the moment.

The one thing that really sticks out in my mind was when we were outside, and someone said something to the effect that if you are Christian, act like it, don't apologize for it, and if that is what you feel step up to the plate. I remember looking at them as they all stared at me . They all knew I was a Christian, and knew the horrible things people have claimed, done, promised, failed in the name of Christianity. I didn't know how to look each one of them in the eye and tell them how honestly I hated how Christians act, felt, and behaved. It is ridiculous, and I own up to that. BUT SHIT I cannot apologize for how fellow Christians have acted like complete asses. Seriously. That is on their own heads, you know. I am only me. I am not Jacob, or Anne, or Beth, or Brandice. Just me. And I am only responsible for my own actions. That is all.

One time it hit me that when I get to heaven, I can't walk up and say "Hey St. Peter- I'm Jacob Senecal's wife. I believe you are expecting me?" Because it won't happen.

You are responsible for your own feelings.

You are responsible for your own thoughts.

You are responsible for your own actions.

Stop blaming others, dumbasses.

And think about what YOU need to do to better YOURSELF.

And Jesus know all of this. Seriously.

This year I am going to learn to forgive that person.

Get over their own insecurities, because I am not responsible for them.

Live my own life. If they have a problem with it, they have to learn how to deal with it themselves and I will gladly help, support and be there if they need me, but I will never put that on myself to feel bad about the fact they are dealing with things that are beyond my control.

I will, however, pray for them, love them, send encouraging things their way, and be nice to them.

I guess what I am saying is, I am working through my own feelings this year instead of being disturbed at others bullshit feelings and feeling bad about it. We all have our own dealings, but until you pull the plank out of your own eye, you can't get the speck out of your brothers, and When I start dealing with what is wrong, then maybe I can start addressing- honestly and openly the other things. I love you dear messed-up person. I hope you get your shit straight in 2011 because I sure am trying to get mine in order.

xoxo,

Laura

p.s. Eric, I really liked your message this morning. I cuss a lot. Not sorry for it. :)