Long Time Coming

Ringing in the New Year comes with past regrets with the old year and new promises for the new year. I've been going through all of these past feelings, and one of them.. is not being honest. Now I am a big advocate for telling the truth, honesty, to have true communion in relationships. But although I have told the truth, it's withholding the true feelings I have that feel like lies. And in that- I should say, I have learned much this past year, and am still learning.

For instance- There is this person, whom I truly love, but hold little respect for. It angers me that I hold these feelings inside and feel so much regret inside myself for not telling them how I feel. Part of me wants to just grab them by the shoulders and shake them and tell them how angry they make me, things they are probably oblivious to, their family is oblivious to, and yet they are prancing around life in a clown suit while everyone pats them on the head saying"aren't they cute?".

Maybe I am just being bitchy about it.

The other part of me know that patience, love, hope and faith last longer that the foolishness that they show, and I should shut my mouth and love them anyway - no matter what they do- and hold true to my own belief system and things happen and you can't change people or circumstances that have happened and you can move on with your life.

Yeah. So I think that this year, I am going to take a backseat more than I have with the anger. Things will become known, and I know they are scared shitless for things they have done to be known- things they don't even know that I know about- to be revealed. But as Christians themselves, they have the knowledge that all things will be revealed, and they will be judged for those things.

I am going to try and just chill out and not worry about it anymore. I think this blog has mostly served the purpose of being a vomit bag for me- to yell about the things I can't say to people's face, to write the feelings that I don't show.

Sorry to bore you so- but I feel like if you don't want to hear it, you can just stop reading whenever! you know?!?! I'm not here to make you laugh or amuse you. I'm here because it is MY blog, not yours.

Also- I'll be blogging more this year. I will probably bitch more, because I am honestly that person that screams inside and holds it in. and I will try to love more, laugh more. Probably not care so much a little more.

YAY 2011!!

One time I had lunch with Christie Steadman, Sara Martin, and Shannon Wells. I remember holding little June as a baby and being in love with her. I don't remember the conversation at the restaurant much, only that it was just whatever we were thinking about the moment.

The one thing that really sticks out in my mind was when we were outside, and someone said something to the effect that if you are Christian, act like it, don't apologize for it, and if that is what you feel step up to the plate. I remember looking at them as they all stared at me . They all knew I was a Christian, and knew the horrible things people have claimed, done, promised, failed in the name of Christianity. I didn't know how to look each one of them in the eye and tell them how honestly I hated how Christians act, felt, and behaved. It is ridiculous, and I own up to that. BUT SHIT I cannot apologize for how fellow Christians have acted like complete asses. Seriously. That is on their own heads, you know. I am only me. I am not Jacob, or Anne, or Beth, or Brandice. Just me. And I am only responsible for my own actions. That is all.

One time it hit me that when I get to heaven, I can't walk up and say "Hey St. Peter- I'm Jacob Senecal's wife. I believe you are expecting me?" Because it won't happen.

You are responsible for your own feelings.

You are responsible for your own thoughts.

You are responsible for your own actions.

Stop blaming others, dumbasses.

And think about what YOU need to do to better YOURSELF.

And Jesus know all of this. Seriously.

This year I am going to learn to forgive that person.

Get over their own insecurities, because I am not responsible for them.

Live my own life. If they have a problem with it, they have to learn how to deal with it themselves and I will gladly help, support and be there if they need me, but I will never put that on myself to feel bad about the fact they are dealing with things that are beyond my control.

I will, however, pray for them, love them, send encouraging things their way, and be nice to them.

I guess what I am saying is, I am working through my own feelings this year instead of being disturbed at others bullshit feelings and feeling bad about it. We all have our own dealings, but until you pull the plank out of your own eye, you can't get the speck out of your brothers, and When I start dealing with what is wrong, then maybe I can start addressing- honestly and openly the other things. I love you dear messed-up person. I hope you get your shit straight in 2011 because I sure am trying to get mine in order.

xoxo,

Laura

p.s. Eric, I really liked your message this morning. I cuss a lot. Not sorry for it. :)